let me cry myself to sleep now

The positive things: 29/03/17

For the majority of the day I have felt like crawling into a corner, curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep. However no matter how much I want to cry, I cant. I feel like I am failing and messing up constantly, letting myself and everyone around me down. Why can’t I do it, why can’t I let it go? I am constantly holding myself back and, at the end of the day, I’m the only person that I am cheating. Excuses excuses. Lies. Lies. Sigh. I’m sorry.
Right. Time to put my positive pants on…

  • I started my student finance application for September (for the 4th year in a row >.>) and have now finished 99% of it, just one thing I need to get signed and then it can all be sent off!
  • My fantastic beasts and where to find them DVD arrived ^.^
  • Food wise, I had a bigger morning snack, had a slightly different afternoon snack (tried some of the Nakd posh bits) and a new/different corner for dessert. Oh and I had stir fry again tonight as I had half of everything left over from Monday
  • Started my homework for E, who I am seeing tomorrow for supported lunch.
  • I got to sit with the neighbours dogs for a little while this evening as they asked me to check on them as they are in London.
6

Theirs was the love that was meant to be, but wasn’t meant to last.

I was 17 years old and convinced that fire was the same thing as love and that I only really cared about someone if they made me cry myself to sleep at the end of the night. I thought intimacy was fingers forcing their way into uncharted territories and the way my stomach dropped when I heard his name. I mistook fear for passion and lost count of the amount of times I felt like I just wasn’t the kind of girl worth loving.

I am 22 and now see that love isn’t fire but rather a sun shower in the middle of August. Love is sweet caresses and clean sheets and fresh flowers. It’s getting mad but always being rational - letting tears fall but always knowing he will still fall asleep holding my hand. Love is a warm bath and freshly cut grass and the way he says my name. I now know that true intimacy means showing all the sharp, jagged edges of myself and letting him clean my wounds afterwards, and passion is all of the small kisses he plants on my shoulders. Now… the only thing I lose count of is the amount of times he whispers ‘I love you’ as we fall asleep.

Hello, Darlings.

Some of you know me already; you just don’t realize it yet. 

I go by the name “Bella.” I’m a feminist and for about a year now, I’ve run several feminist blogs on Tumblr.

Lately, though, I’ve been struggling with them. I’ve been struggling to keep them active, to keep up with the demand to post things regularly, to keep up with tagging things properly, and to be the proud online activist I used to be.

The truth is, I have major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. I used to have these things under control and they weren’t a huge hinderance in my life. However, my anxiety disorder is getting worse. I have been having panic attacks on a regular basis now, over just about everything. I haven’t been sleeping normally because I spend my nights crying and feeling overwhelmed. I keep letting things get the best of me, I keep worrying about things that will never happen, I keep blaming myself for things out of my control.

My depression is getting worse too. I haven’t felt this empty, this lonely, this broken in a long time. I just feel like my world is falling apart and it’s all my fault and I can’t do anything to stop it.

And the worst part is, I don’t even know why I feel this way. I don’t know why I’m getting worse, why this is suddenly happening to me. I was fine for such a long time. Not great, but good enough to make it through the day. Now I can’t even do my homework without crying and thinking about how much I hate myself.

I just… I feel so lost. Like I’m wandering in some other world that only I can see, where everything is wrong and nothing good ever happens, and I’m too lost to make it back home. And I don’t even know if I want to go back home.

I feel like I am drowning, and worse, I feel like no one cares.

So, I made a brand new account and am going to recreate myself. I’m going to transfer anything that was important from my old blogs to my new ones, and work my way to becoming the blogger I used to be.

If I follow you and you wonder why, it’s probably because your blog is relevant to my sideblogs, and because I followed you on my old account. At some point, that account will be deleted, and my life as a blogger will exist only here. This will be my new main blog, my personal blog, and the rest of my sideblogs will be my new feminist blogs.

I hope you all can understand why I feel like I have to do this. And I hope you won’t judge me for it.

🎶💀💖 Bella 💖💀🎶

I made the mistake of breaking down in my history teacher’s office. I came in to ask about my grade and he apparently noticed that I looked really not so good. I had endured a horrible night before with my mom’s bitter, hateful yelling at me for leaving one thing undone after cleaning the entire house. So after going to bed and crying myself to sleep at about 1:30 am and waking up at 7:00, I apparently looked terrible because everyone was asking if I was okay. Buy the 4th or 5th person, who happened to be this teacher, I couldn’t really not let it out. He was very supportive and gave me some tp to wipe my tears and he listened, telling me how his wife had a similar relationship with her mother.
But.
Now he hates my parents… Without even knowing them. I’m afraid to even make allusion to them because he gets visibly angry and even started cussing about my mom. It’s crazy because I didn’t even tell him that much about it and I certainly didn’t tell him any of the actually bad crap. My best friend is the same way except she’s not a good listener and she basically told me that unless I moved out, I don’t really have a right to complain. 😒

i can’t tell if im getting better or worse. see, the aching in my heart has stopped but now my hands just cannot stop shaking. ive stopped crying everyday but now i just end up throwing things at the wall and hurting myself. my hands are rubbed raw from hanging onto the last remains of you, my legs are burning from all the running away i seem to do, and my soul is so goddamn tired. i can’t sleep it out because even in my sleep, i think of you and what i had hoped we could’ve been. i can’t stop burning my skin in the shower, i can’t stop hoping you’ll beg for me not to let go of you. i can’t stop holding on and jesus fuck more than anything, i want to let go but my hands have only ever know how to hold on as tight as possible. // tell me to let go, make this easier for me, stop making me want to hold on. i want to fucking let go.

4

I don’t know if mine have anything to do with the Force, but nightmares have always been pretty common for me. I didn’t stop begging my parents to let me sleep in their room till I was eight. I used to go to bed crying in terror every night till I was ten. Looking back, I really have to admire Mom and Dad’s patience.

Obviously, I’m old enough to take care of myself now, and the nightmares have become far less frequent. But sometimes, I still wake up in the dark, feeling so panicked and disturbed and helpless that it’s all I can do to keep myself from breaking down and shouting for help. Of course I don’t, though… If I let myself act like a child in front of my parents, I can’t expect them to treat me like an adult.

I’m slowly moving on with my life now. I just realized that there’s no point in crying over something that has ended. There’s no point on holding on to someone who doesn’t want you in their life. I no longer cry myself to sleep when i can’t sleep at night because i miss him so much. I won’t stop at our favorite place because the memories we built together keeps on flashing back and still haunts me. I can smile now whenever i see him around without wanting him back in my life. I no longer curse him for all the pain he caused. I no longer wish for him to be mine. I am not hoping that he will love me. Maybe it’s hard at first, knowing that you’re letting go of the person you love the most. It’s really hard to erase those memories we shared together. I seldom think of him and and i can smile now without thinking what he’s doing. I can listen to the song we used to sing without feeling a pang of pain inside my chest. I’m happy with my life now even though he’s no longer part of it. Maybe, the river of tears i cried for him, all the sleepless nights because of thinking of him, being miserable, cursing everyone around me, pushing other people away are enough for me to know my worth. I think i’m over to all those things, it’s time now for me to have my own life. I realized how pathetic i was because of someone who doesn’t give a damn to what i really feel. And I have many lessons learned. I won’t let him take me for granted, again. I will never let myself be an option because i know to myself that i am a priority. I am glad that i am in this state of realization. I know now the real meaning of happiness. I guess i already learned to accept everything. And it feels good, really. Letting go of someone because you know you deserve someone better.
—  i guess this is moving on // j.c

We think we’re in bagginshield hell, but no one knows bagginshield hell like the other dwarves

There are different levels, you see

And this is the man we’re trusting to run a country: Balin, Bofur, and Nori

Thorin is so bad at this; it’s no wonder he doesn’t have any kids and we’re the heirs: Fili and Kili

For fuck’s sake, just let an orc kill me; it’d be less painful than having to listen to another stuttered half-confession of love by my king to an oblivious hobbit: Dwalin and Oin

I cry myself to sleep every night from the sheer romance: Ori, Gloin, Dori, and Bombur

I will shag an elf if it would get them together; I really would. I mean it. Find me an elf. I’ll do it right now: Bifur

anonymous asked:

Hi, what are your headcanons on Louis taking Harry's virginity? (btw I shouldn't have asked this because I don't think I can handle all my Larry feels1!11!!!!!!)

Oh shit….

Okay, so if we’re talking about a world where they switch off (because that’s the world I live in *cries*) I think Louis would have let Harry top him first, since Louis was more experienced sexually overall (even though Harry may have been his first guy wise) and felt more ready for THAT. I think it would have been slow and Harry would have been really fucking nervous at first but then once things heated up, it was passionate and sweet and they totally laughed afterwards. And for the OTHER WAY around, I think Harry would have wanted him to be a little rough, like when they made out and such, but Harry is Louis’ baby so he naturally wanted to be gentle and Harry was pushing him to be harder the entire time but Louis went the complete opposite way and even though Harry wasn’t fucked completely how he would have liked (well at least how he thought he would) it was still perfect and he still had the best orgasm of his life.  

I’m not breathing