let me alone

*me lyin face down in bed, muffled by blankets, very tearful voice* garnet is the good mom.. loevs steven so much….

is it really my fault for keeping terrible hours if its because i have to wait till people go to sleep in order to feel safe and alone in my cooking area and my aunt doesn’t vacate said space which she treats as her personal office (i stg she types louder and mutters Work Stuff (”where did i put that”)to herself louder when she notices i am nearby so as to show she is Working) despite not technically living here to go to bed until 3AM??

my only safe quiet alone peaceful hours where i can avoid “did you hear in the news people died” “did you lose weight” “third world countries are like that” “they [the lesbians she saw at the mtr station] were being so OPEN about it” “i was surprised i actually liked the indonesian food at this place cause their food is so bad normally” “the malays are like that” are generally from about 3 till 6

i mean well its that and insomnia too. because i’m bad at sleeping. it says so in my header.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that this is possibly the most exhausting job I’ve ever done. Washing hundreds of dishes for about 8 hours per day is tougher than expected. 

Though that could also be the fact that most days I don’t actually take any of my breaks. Because if I do then I end up falling horribly behind and can’t get everything done by the end of my shift and hah hah hah I would literally rather work eight straight hours than ask for a second dishwasher to join me in my little dishwashing kingdom. o_O It’s a tiny corner of the kitchen that’s barely big enough for just me, let alone two people; and I have a gloriously effective dishwashing routine that only remains effective if it’s just me there; andddd as long as it’s just me, then I don’t have to make small talk all day long; which is really crucial to my happiness. I enjoy chatting with my coworkers when they come to bring me dishes, ‘cause they’re super nice folks; but that’s different from working elbow-to-elbow with someone all day. That would be horrid.

Then there’s the fact that it’s a super high-stress kitchen. So much happening, all the time, and so many people, and everything’s time sensitive; and, I mean - it’s food. One mistake can wreck what would have been hours worth of food; so, in general, it’s a pretty high-stress environment, pretty much all the time.

… So yeah. Exhausting. And I’m working seven days in a row right now while my new schedule switches over so super exhausting. Howeeeeever - as I keep reminding myself - this is not a forever job, and it’s literally the reason I’ve been able to stay in Vancouver; and I am honestly more grateful for that than I could ever possibly put into words. <3 My poor exhausted body is just really really incredibly tired. Fan Expo weekend cannot come quickly enough. 8D

You need to understand that I’ll never be the girl that begs you to stay. If you decide to walk out of my life, I might be sad for a little while but know that I’ll never chase you. I’ll just let you go.
—  Midnight thoughts (I may love you, but i’ll never need you)