lessons learned

My mother taught me
the distinct smell before the rain,
the promise of cleansing.
Didn’t anyone warn you
I’m what natural disasters
are named after?
I am a river,
good luck controlling me
good luck slowing me down.
There isn’t an ounce of age
to my soul.
—  Michelle K., Aries in the Mornings.
4

10x09/8x02

To Jimmy Novak, Claire was the world and all the stars in the sky.
To Castiel, Dean is the world and all the stars that comprise the Universe.

Reconciling the two…is impossible.
It’s impossible because Castiel, regardless of appearance or mannerism or voice, is not, nor will he ever be, Jimmy Novak.

Castiel sets off on this journey to right wrongs, to repay a debt to man who gave up his life in God’s name in order to help save the world. The problem lies in the fact that Claire doesn’t want to be saved. She doesn’t want to be saved because Castiel cannot turn back time and bring her father back. Claire learned how to survive, even if she had to cut and bleed and kill to make it from one day to the next. She gave up prayingfor salvation a long time ago. Her lack of faith dragged her down into the deep dark spaces that could never filled inside of her - the spaces where love and family used to be, the spaces where an angel’s grace filled her, only to leave her bereft. Claire stopped believing.

And then there is Dean. The one guy that Castiel has reconstructed the entirety of his existence around. The one guy that Castiel has rebelled for, bled for, died for, become God for. Everything, all of it, in the name of saving Dean Winchester. In Purgatory, Castiel made a choice - leave Dean behind because it was the only way to say him. And Dean learned how to survive - cutting and bleeding and destroying and opening up that pit inside of himself that tastes like hellfire and carrying on because prayer was his only saving grace. Every word he spoke to Cas in the distance between them was his salvation, even if Castiel failed to answer his call. It was faith that drove Dean to reunite with Cas, to escape from Purgatory. Dean never stopped believing.

Castiel sees Claire and Dean as his greatest failures because he couldn’t keep the promises that he made.Castiel promised Jimmy to take care of his family, and he failed. Cas promised Dean that he would come whenever he called, and he failed. What Castiel has yet to learn is that changing the past is impossible. There are no do-overs. Cas can’t take back abandoning Claire and Amelia, he can’t take back his rebellion, he can’t take back his betrayal, he can’t take back the destruction wrought under the guise of a false god, he can’t take back leaving Dean in Purgatory, he can’t take back leaving Dean at all. Castiel has yet to learn that every single one of the wrongs that he has attempted to right has led to more chaos.

Castiel doesn’t realize that the only thing he can truly do is to continue to live and to have faith.

These words from Claire’s mouth were a devastating reminder of Castiel’s perceived failures. But he must realize that changing the past isn’t an option - that becoming the visage of Claire’s father isn’t enough. He has to learn to build a new foundation with Claire as himself, as a friend, as Cas. He has to learn to love, to support, to guide, and be present for the sake of a human who has nothing. He can become the faith that she lost.

And then we come back to Dean. The one guy.

Back in Purgatory, Dean still had his faith in Castiel because it’s what kept him alive. Now, Dean is hapless - lost and alone amongst the wreckage of his own soul, fallen to his knees and broken apart in pools of blood and sorrow. Dean asked one last thing of Cas before he fell once again. One last favor - to kill him to save him from becoming a monster.

Castiel can’t keep that promise either. But he can make a new one - to save Dean Winchester in the way he needs to be saved the most.

To truly love - to form the deep impenetrable bond of devotion and mutual trust from a foundation of friendship and understanding - this is Castiel’s path. The reintroduction of Claire opened the door to Cas learning to truly love as a human in relationships based on human ideals where faith is something that is tangible beneath his finger tips.

Castiel, as an angel, has been given the gift of humanity. Cas has been given the opportunity to become the faith that is lost in the two people he could never truly save.

Castiel can become Claire’s faith in herself and gift her with the opportunity for a better life.

Cas can become Dean’s faith - his light through his own darkness - and gift him with salvation born from true love.

Failures of the past can only be used to learn from.
Castiel has two lives to save, and their futures are shining with his immutable light.

1. Try every food you’re offered, at least once. It won’t kill you.
2. Never pass up the chance to spend time with people. You’ll be around as long as you live; your friends and family will not.
3. Be okay with yourself. If you don’t think that’s possible, find a way.
4. Find your passion, however long it takes. Don’t stop chasing it.
5. Learn how to work with all types of people – those you cannot stand, those you’ve never met, those to whom you are closest. All of these take patience, and all of these are necessary.
6. Suck it up and do what needs to be done.
7. If you’re in a rut, get out. Never forget that you have a choice.
8. Try to love everyone. You will not succeed. Try anyway.
9. Allow yourself to complain, but do not make a habit of it. It’s crucial to release your pent-up frustration, but if you never stop talking about your problems you will never be able to get past them.
10. There’s no such thing as awkwardness.
11. Look at the stars as often as possible, and bask in the beauty of the multitudes above you. Don’t let the world tell you there is not enough time.
12. There’s a difference between love and loneliness. It will take ages of mistaking loneliness for love for you to learn that they are not the same, but do not let yourself believe that love does not exist. Be patient.
13. If you’re in a crowded room and you feel the walls close in on you, look around you. Watch someone for a moment and you will see that they are just humans, they are just you.
14. Listen to people.
15. Listen harder. Understand.
16. Don’t be afraid of the strength of your emotions. Feeling deeply hurts, but feeling nothing is infinitely worse.
17. You will spend your whole life redefining your beliefs. Stay flexible.
18. Allow the world to be what you need it to be. It only exists the way you see it – make it as big or as small as you want. Travel everywhere you can, talk to people outside of your comfort zone, open your eyes and never, ever shut them. The universe in infinite, baby, and you are a part of it for only so long. Absorb every moment.
—  Eighteen lessons to learn by eighteen
I love until things are broken. I fight until hands are bloodied. I work until I faint. I am stubborn and I am unstoppable. These are the raw parts of myself that I have grown to accept. My desires are fact; what I want, I demand. I am learning to love myself.
—  Michelle K., I am Learning to Love Myself.
Let us strip the “they-of-all-people” argument down to its very basics: gentiles telling Jews that we killed six million of your people and that as a result it is you, not us, who have lessons to learn; that it is you, not us, who need to clean up your act. It is an argument of atrocious, spiteful insanity. Do not accept it; turn it back on those who offer it. For it is us, not you, who should know better.
—  Chas Newkey-Burden, Oy Va Goy
Lessons I learned in 2013
  • Letting go is necessary and sacred. The hardest part is doing it, everything after that becomes easier. 
  • Trust your intuition, always. 
  • Ask and you WILL receive. 
  • If you ask for God, he will come for sure. You only have to be open to her. 
  • Looking like a movie star won’t change anything :) 
  • Be comfortable enough with yourself so that even on days when you “don’t look your best” you still see your beauty. 
  • Everything is TRULY OKAY. 
  • I have nothing to prove. I am enough. 
  • Be strong enough to say no, set boundaries, and ENACT CONSEQUENCES ACCORDINGLY WHEN PEOPLE CROSS THEM. 
  • Boundaries protect you. When you don’t create healthy boundaries, you don’t tell/show people how they’re allowed to behave in your life.
  • Don’t dishonor yourself to protect someone’s feelings. 
  • ME first. 
  • Take that first step. Just imagine what you could be saying “hello” to. Hello future. Hello present. Hello friend. Hello career. Hello lover. 
  • Take your time and move at your own pace. 
  • At any given moment, it’s only you and God in the room. 
  • Pray pray pray. BE in constant conversation with your Self 
  • When you have an impulse, act! 
  • BE present! 
  • Love yourself. Tell yourself loving things. Be compassionate with yourself. DONT TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY. 
  • Things other people do are never really about you. 
  • “Consciousness” is beyond being conscious. You have to actually practice acts that support your consciousness. You have to continue to be aware and you have to remind yourself of your power daily. 
  • Empower yourself. You are a Queen. 
  • Every relationship offers us the perfect opportunity for maximal learning. Taking advantage of that is completely up to us.  
  • All the answers you need reside within. You just have to remember that. 
  • Step into your power.
  • There are no coincidences. Draw the connections.
  • Our parents, just like us, deserve compassion. 
  • Look within first. It’s impossible to attract something to us that is NOT us. 
  • Love YOU first. When you honor yourself, when you honor your feelings, you honor the WORLD. 
  • You can’t give others the love you don’t give yourself.
  • It’s self-full, not selfish, to put myself first. I come to the table with a full cup and what runneth over is for everyone else. 
  • “If you don’t find a way to love a flawed person, secretly you’re teaching yourself that you are not lovable because of your flaws." 
  • Do what you can, not what you think you SHOULD do. 
  • The only thing that exists is the here and now. 
  • BE. It’s not always about doing, it’s about being. 
  • People will show you and tell you EXACTLY who they are. Pay attention. 
  • We can only love others to the degree that we love ourselves. 
  • If you desire a deeper love with someone else, you’re actually expressing that you want a deeper love with YOU. 
  • Love imposes no requirements. It is free. Love is blissful and requires nothing. 
  • I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t support me in creating authentic power and being my best self. 
  • I don’t want to be around anyone who supports me in being LESS THAN.
  • I am not superior nor inferior to anyone. 
  • Life happens FOR me not to me 
  • Pay attention to the ways you give away your power (ie. your thoughts, your actions, your surroundings).
  • Forgiveness is for YOU. It’s not about the other person. It’s a gift you give to yourself. 
  • Forgiveness supports you in giving yourself more love. 
  • Holding onto pain, blame, toxicity and projection serves no one. 
  • Let go. 
  • Be still. 
  • Trust God. 
  • Rise above. 
  • Every day you get a choice to decide who you are, who you BE, and how you want to show up in the world. 

**reblog and bold what you like**

1. Plans fall through.

2. Grocery shopping is more expensive than you’d think.

3. You spend years wishing your parents would get off your back, but you’ll realize they were the only ones who ever had your back to begin with.

4. Drama will follow you everywhere you go, but it’s your decision to let it bother you or not.

5. People change, including you.

6. Not everyone keeps the promises they make.

7. The one who said forever will walk out of your life. You can live without them.

8. Sometimes you’ll miss the feeling more than the person.

9. Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s necessary.

10. It’s okay to be selfish. If something is not growing you, stop watering it and cut off the branches.

11. When he calls you drunk after 3 months, it’s okay to ignore him and delete the voicemail; you are not obligated to hear his voice just because you two have history.

12. When a person acts like they don’t care, believe that they don’t because if they do, you’ll never have to question it.

13. If something feels wrong, it probably is; trust your gut.

14. You deserve more than what he never gave; don’t sell yourself short of anything but the best.

15. People come and go; some are rest stops, some are destinations.

16. Apologizing for things you shouldn’t be sorry for can become a habit, and eventually it’ll swallow you whole; just don’t.

17. Sleep is a temporary escape from reality; it’s okay to take advantage of that sometimes.

18. Growing up doesn’t mean you can’t have fun-shaped Mac & Cheese; it just means you have to buy it yourself. It costs the same as boring Mac & Cheese, so indulge yourself once in a while. That goes for everything else, too.

19. Life is too short for watered-down coffee and boys who make you feel less than you are.

20. Sometimes you just need your mom.

Things I Learned in 2015:

•stay away from people who make you feel worthless 

 
•you are more than a label; you don’t need to pick one – you are not a concrete definition

 
•you can get over someone, no matter how hard it’s been and how much you love them, moving on is possible

•you are valuable and you are important, even when you can’t see it and don’t believe it, you are

 
•don’t let anyone hold you back; whatever you want to do- do it for you, make decisions yourself, for yourself and don’t worry what someone else has to say or think about it- it’s your life, your path 


•honesty, true deep real honesty goes a LONG way and can improve a relationship immensely, don’t hide who you are and what you do 


•you aren’t for everyone; not everyone will want you and see all you have to offer the world


•people come and people go; you only have yourself 


•set realistic goals 


•don’t trust someone with everything yet 


•some of your secrets, can stay secrets, you don’t have to share everything with someone – you have a choice 


•life is what you make of it; your thoughts and outlook really do effect everything; how you think is how things become 


•take every chance and opportunity you get 


•don’t stay in an unhealthy relationship; whatever reasons you come up with for staying – they’re not valid 


•stay true to who and what you are; don’t do something just because you think it’ll make someone like you more – it won’t – they didn’t like you before and they won’t like you any more after 


•you can un love someone, forget people that bring you down; just like you’re not for everyone – everyone is not for you 


•reconsider what makes you angry, is everything really worth getting all worked up about 


•when you put yourself in a peaceful state, your life is in a peaceful state and you will be happier 


•you can let it go 


•things in life get hard and you’ll want to quit but there are some things you just have to get through 

•theres not always a silver lining; you can’t find a reason for everything


•the pain of the past is still real and ever present but you can learn to live with it, you can live with the pain

•you need to work for it, what ever it is, you need to work for it; things don’t get handed to you for nothing anymore 

•everyone is entitled to their own emotions and opinions; you can’t take that away from someone


•not everyone will understand you or support you that’s okay you are you and you are for yourself 

•someone doesn’t have to accept your love; they don’t have to want it, they’re not obligated to take it; look at it is their loss, you will always find someone else to appreciate you 


•every day is a valuable step in your journey 


•when someone compliments you, no matter what your belief is, just say thank you and move on

•you will heal, recovery and healing is possible; you have to work for it, you have to accept help 


•you can find good in even the worst people but you can also find bad in the best people 


•forgiving someone frees yourself, it benefits you and let’s your soul breathe free, radically accept and forgive- for your own well-being 

•that spark is always there for you; keep it alive


•open your eyes and accept the world the way it is and live in bliss