Okay but for real, in Seattle it’s never “where can we go to get coffee”.
It’s not even “where can we go to get good coffee”.
It’s like “where can we go for coffee that has the specific ambiance I’m looking for and caters to my exact coffee preferences, economic strata, niche social group, and special interests?"
"Do you want coffee?” is just the beginning of a long and discriminating process. Yes, I want coffee, but do I want coffee from the pet-friendly shoes-optional anarchist punk zine swapshop or the elitist gourmet coffee-hipster and moody black-and-white photography gallery with the giant Japanese steampunk coffee-bong?
Do I want coffee with a book? Do I want coffee with used books or new books? Do I want coffee with used books at 2 a.m. surrounded by college students and post-punk Brit rock?
Do I want coffee but also mostly marijuana but some coffee too?
Do I want to impress my cute nerdy date and eat our muffins off of a giant chess board or a vintage comics scrapbook?
Do I want cupcakes with my coffee and if so what dietary restrictions do you have because I can hook you up.
Coffee and bubble tea?
Coffee somewhere less gentrified and where the clientele is not exclusively young, white, and excessively groomed? Okay we are going to have to leave Capitol Hill.
Do I want to be jammed in the sweaty armpits of eighty tourists while ordering the smallest drink possible so I can still pay for parking and jesus why did I think this was a good idea why have we come here?
Do I want coffee and effete french pastries?
Do I want to yell about politics while coffee no I do not.
Do I want somewhere clean to collapse and put down my shopping?
Do I want to be gay and have gay coffee around other gays and looking at the bulletin-board for all the fun gay things we could do after drinking our gay coffee?
Do I want to be queer, and have queer coffee because it’s important to distinguish and have more inclusive safe spaces to look at the pamphlets discussing all the activism I should be doing while I drink my coffee?
Do I want a small bucket of coffee right now to go please I’m late? Okay there’s a Starbucks let’s go.