every time I see a post that’s addressing lesbians who have little to no experience with women, it’s always like, ‘it’s okay to have not kissed a girl at 16 or 18 or even 21!!!!’ and I know tumblr skews toward younger people, but it still feels like a harsh reminder that I’m years behind, even by other lesbians’ standards.
it’s totally normal and okay to not have experience with women at any age. it’s okay if you have never been with a woman and you’re 30 or 50 or 70 or even older. it’s okay if you didn’t come out until after you married a man or had children with him. it’s okay if you didn’t even realize you were gay until 25 or 45 or older.
you’re still a ‘real’ lesbian if you didn’t realize you were gay, or if you have a long history of dating men, or if you’ve never slept with a woman.
and no matter how old you are, you still have time. you have time to find a girlfriend or wife. you have time to make memories with a woman. you have time to fall in love.
Ummmm so can we talk about how important it is to reassure young girls everywhere that developing feelings for your girl best friend isn’t wrong or voyeuristic. It’s normal. It’s fine. You’re not dirty and you shouldn’t feel guilt.
huge fucking shoutout to butches who have to present feminine. whether u have to because u want to keep your job, need to “show commitment” in order to get access to estrogen, u are in an unsafe environment, or any other reason, you are still butch and we, other butches, love you and welcome you into our community.
disclaimer: i do not have bpd (borderline personality disorder) and this was written from my experience dating a beautiful girl who has bpd and she proof read it!! i just want to help others whose partners have bpd! this may not apply to everyone because everyone is different but these are things that i have experienced in my relationship!
1. TALK ABOUT BOUNDARIES
this is important for every relationship whether the person you are dating has bpd or not, but it’s crucial for when you’re dating a person with bpd. this is important because certain things that you may not even think about can make them sad or even a bit angry. it’s important to talk about what triggers them and be super understanding when their triggers seem a bit uncommon, and let them explain their boundaries and symptoms they experience. it’s important to be patient and listen to them.
2. TELL THEM WHAT’S REAL
some people with bpd have a blurred sense of reality and need to be told what’s real and what isn’t. even if it’s just the color of their jeans, it is still important.
3. REASSURE THEM
some individuals with bpd have an intense fear of being abandoned, which usually comes from early childhood abuse, and need constant validation to reassure them that you aren’t going to leave them. be patient when they ask if you wanna breakup with them, or if they ask if you’re mad at them, or when they say their sorry for even the slightest of mishaps.
4. DON’T BE SCARED
personality disorders have tons of bad stigma surrounding them and individuals with these mental illnesses are demonized and made out to be like monsters in the media. it is important to ignore all the articles and posts about bpd that demonize them written by neurotypicals. people with bpd aren’t inherently bad.
impulses are things you want to do. some impulses can be self destructive while others are not. most people with bpd don’t have impulse control like those who don’t have bpd do. a thing that works for me when their impulses are self destructive is (assuming that you’re their fp) asking them how they would feel if i did that, or asking them to do virtually anything to take their mind off it. and if that doesn’t work, it’s important not to get mad at them if they do it. they don’t know when an idea is bad or good, so just be patient and understanding and don’t be a fuckass.
6. EDUCATE YOURSELF
educate yourself on the disorder and read about the symptoms. the best person to talk to about bpd is your partner. because everyone is different, it’s important not to limit bpd down to certain symptoms. figure out what your partner experiences and read about those. i suggest following the bpd tag on tumblr or even browse it a bit to get a general understanding of the disorder. bpd is very complex so it’s important that you get a general understanding and realize that it’s not relatable to you. certain posts may be relatable but do not think that you can reblog them, because the extent in which they are felt is extremely different. most people with bpd have very intense emotions and feel things that we feel to a much higher level.
to conclude, dating someone with bpd isn’t hard or scary. however, it is different from dating someone who doesn’t have it. it’ll be hard if you don’t research it or ask them questions or get a general understanding of it, but if you do it’ll be easier for the both of you. people with bpd aren’t inherently abusive, and it is possible to have a stable relationship with your partner.
lesbian: being stereotyped as predatory is harmful to my mental health and physical safety to the point where im afraid to talk to any woman who im not 100% sure is gay because im afraid theyll think im hitting on them and being creepy
non-lesbian: okay but one time a lesbian said my boyfriend was gross so whos the real oppressed person here ?