leopard legs


Determined leopard

Tai Kwon Do

Just so you all know, it’s been a very long time since I stepped foot on a high school campus with the purpose of attending a class. I won’t say how long - just that I’m not quite elderly and not quite young.

One of the most hilarious memories I have of high school had to do with my boyfriend (at the time) and his best friend, who were both absolute idiots. These guys got themselves into the most precarious situations and were constantly in trouble for something or another. This story was no exception to their usual mode of conduct other than the fact that they learned an actual lesson.

So we had this English teacher - all of us had her because it was a tiny school - who was the “hot” teacher. It was such a small town that everyone knew her - she grew up there, students babysat her son, and she frequently had parties that kids’ parents would attend.

A rumor started that she had a gigantic, fully stocked liquor cabinet, so"Joe" (we’ll call Boyfriend’s friend Joe) came up with the brilliant plan to rob her. Yes - skip school, break into this woman’s house during the day, and steal her apocalyptic level, a-grade stock pile of alcohol. Probably $500 worth.

Boyfriend grabbed his drunken father’s truck, unbeknownst to Drunken Father, and picked Joe up the next morning, and they headed to English Teacher’s abode with the intent to literally drain her dry. Unfortunately for Joe, he had a huge mouth. He told everyone - I mean EVERYONE - that he was going to do this. So obviously someone made English Teacher aware that she was going to be ripped off by twiddle dee and twiddle dumb.

Now, most people would call the police, right? Or an overly nice individual would make emergency contact with the heathens’ parents. Not her. She just so happened to be a Tai Kwon Do instructor, and Joe just HAPPENED to make fun of her for it all of the time because she was also tiny. I’m talking like 110 lbs wet kind of tiny.

She left school during first period, parked her car down the street, and she waited. She sat behind her house for three hours waiting to watch these guys break into her house, shatter her liquor cabinet door, and put everything into the backseat of Boyfriend’s dad’s truck.

They did. And right as they were finishing up, giggling their stupid asses off on the front porch after also having finished off a fifth of Jim Beam, she showed up. Apparently she warned them first and Boyfriend was intelligent enough to hightail it, but JOE - being the bright little crayon that Joe was - laughed at her.

He laughed.

This teenie, wee little karate instructor/English Teacher, wearing heels and leopard print leggings, beat the holy living shit out of Joe. He did not return to school for ten days, and when he did he brought a broken hand, three broken toes, and eight stitches across his right cheek.

He never admitted to what happened to him, and she never said a word to a single soul. She did, however, mysteriously return to school with a sprained wrist.

The only reason I know that Joe had his ass handed to him by Mrs. English Teacher is because Boyfriend sat behind the tree line across the street from her house and watched, then when she finished, he picked Joe up and took him home. I’m guessing his mother took him to the hospital.

One last, sweet little detail - Joe pissed himself. Boyfriend blamed it on the alcohol, but I love to imagine it happening right as she shoved her four-inch heel into his foot as he laughed in her face.


The last great punk rock song before I unspike my hair and carry on, and I will wail about anarchy, drums will blare in rhythmic harmony - anti establishment just gets me no where fast and it’s the last great time I’ll try.