Last trick is crazy.

I watched Carol. It made me feel my loneliness so I’m here showing my fucking insecure self to you beautiful ladies. This picture was taken at better times but honestly i don’t even know. Christmas is coming. I’m listening to the Carol soundtrack like the weirdo I am. I have those times where like 2 things in total are able to make me happy. Right now those two things are The Holy Trinity of Youtube and Carol. But it changes on like a daily basis and I love a lot of things that exist in this universe. Like fucking sunsets and I don’t mean it in the pretending to like sunsets so someone might get the impression i’m a dreamer or anything. I mean going out when the sun sets solely for the purpose of seeing the fucking sun disapear behind the globe and making the sky all beautiful. I don’t even think a lot while staring at clouds for 30 minutes, I’m all like “Why is this so beautiful and why isn’t anything else?????” and that’s all. I took someone with me once (trying not to call her a friend because she sometimes gives away opinions that make her sound fucking homophobic, ignorant and shit but in a way that is very subtile and makes me lowkey uncomfortable) and was just happy with the sky being all pretty and she was like ‘you fucking weirdo lmao’ I refuse to be called weird for THAT, I’ve never had a girlfriend (Nor a boyfriend but that I don’t mind). I don’t know I have very high standards for someone who hates herself and doesn’t ever want to be exposed to anyone because that’s so fucking scary. Maybe that’s why I think I have high standards even though I literally love anybody in an instant as soon as I let them in. I’m just to realise that this whole stupid stream of consciousness makes me sound like a unpleasant af person. Which I think I’m not?? I work at a hospital, kinda helping out the nurses. It’s like voluntary work and I do it because I want to become a doctor one day but our system is fucked up so I probably won’t be able to start med school before I’m like 23. I love medicine. Working with people made me a little better with people I think. Oh also I’m Lena, 19, from Germany if you were wondering. I’d love to get to know new people but I’m the worst to get to know. I’m good when you know me and I think I’d be the most caring, romantic and stupidly in love girlfriend one could imagine but I can’t promise anything. I’ve never had that role. Ugh that sounds depressing, I love fun and happiness. Did any of this make sense? Probably not but maybe you now think I’m worth a try and start a great conversation that I’m not able to shut down because I’m trying to save myself from I DON'TKNOW WHAT. I’m a mess. 

tumblr: sinserialy.tumblr.com

snapchat: lenziie (I will quietly appreciate your stories and/or judge you for sinning behaviour but also LOVE snapchat conversations. It’s like facetiming but you have more time to think of what to say and also to make u look okay.)

Okay thank you and bye!