lending patterns

On Keeping a Notebook

“Keepers of private notebooks are a different breed altogether, lonely and resistant rearrangers of things, anxious malcontents, children afflicted apparently at birth with some presentiment of loss…But our notebooks give us away, for however dutifully we record what we see around us, the common denominator of all we see is always, transparently, shamelessly, the implacable ‘I.’  We are not talking here about the kind of notebook that is patently for public consumption, a structural conceit for binding together a series of graceful pensées; we are talking about something private, about bits of the mind’s string too short to use, an indiscriminate and erratic assemblage with meaning only for its maker.”

by Joan Didion
(1966), in Slouching Towards Bethlehem, 1969, London: Andre Deutch.

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I think, that as a whole, I’ve started to become more and more comfortable with the routines I’ve fallen into, whether it be with school and work, or routines I’ve got going on with my boyfriend, or my friends. 

I think that now that I’m a little older I can appreciate the security that’s afforded when it comes to routines. I think, before, that I undervalued them because I was so eager to be young and reckless and thoughtless. And I’m still eager to spread my wings and explore and expand my horizons and all those other clichés.. but more than anything I just really appreciate the knowledge that I know I can wake in the morning and find what I need to find where it’s always been.

But these patterns also lend themselves to foresight. And that foresight is something I’ve learned to not only appreciate, but also depend on. And I’m thankful for them because now I know when to anticipate a curveball.

And I see one right around the corner. The question here is whether or not I’ll have the intuition to do better than I’ve done before. Or to be preemptive enough to not get involved before I do. Destiny is never left to chance, sure - but what good is destiny if I’m only going to ignore the lessons that I was forced to learn to project me towards where I want to be?

I’d like to believe I’m a little smarter than that.