leinster-rugby-player

Remind me to roll a fighter next...

I was running my players through a 5e campaign when a miniboss with 55 hp they were sent to kill heard them coming and fled the hideout with the party hot on his tail. He got out into the open 2 turns before they did.

Me(DM): [miniboss] is 120 feet down the road to the west, and doesn’t look like he plans to slow down.

Our halfling rogue with only 25 feet movespeed: He’s out of my range, we should check his room to see if he left clues about where he would go.

The level 6 fighter with improved critical, +4 to dex and a +1longbow: Nah, how bout we just kill him? I use action surge and attack four times with my longbow.

She then proceeds to roll four attack rolls and have all four land on either 19 or 20. The rogue falls out of his chair laughing

Me(resisting to urge to change to up his health total): Ok, Roll 8d8+20 for damage

She rolls a 59 for damage.

Me: …he’s dead… Anything you want to add?

Fighter: JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!!!!

youtube

Anchan, Rikyako, and Shukashuu advertise SIF in a mini-commercial!

We won?

So this is from a second campign of mine. in it we are on the run from a lych king trying to go on this quest to gain the powers to defeat him. i missed one session and so next session i find out we have a ring of limited wishes. they decide since i didnt get a wish last time they’ll hand over the last wish to me.

Me: Ok so i doubt this’ll work but.. i wish that Lych asshole never existed. but thats dumb so let me think of a real wis-

DM: *rolls for it*…what the fuck

Me: what?

DM: *rolls again and laughs* YOU GOT 20 TWENTIES IN A ROW!

Me: wait what!? W-wait can i change my wish!

DM: to late you already said i wish!

Time and space begin to break apart

Bard Girl: THIS IS WHY WE SHOULDN’T LET HIM MAKE WISHES

Druid: ok from now on no one let him make aby decisions

Me: ok fuck you guys i just saved the day

Monk: YOU BROKE THE UNIVERSE

Me: but i beat the lych

My team now hates me

Roll for Safety Blanket

It’s the first combat of the campaign. The party took the first round to get into position and this is the start of the second round.

Dragonkin Bard: (standing behind the paladin tank, who is standing in front of the skeleton) I’d like to use my breath weapon.

Paladin: What? No!

DM (me): I… yeah, okay, you’ll hit the tank, but go ahead. Roll.

*rolls*

DM: Okay. You do 7 damage to the tank and do nothing to the skeleton as that was toxic gas. [Wizard], your turn.

Wizard: I want to use Shocking Grasp on the paladin.

Paladin: You what?!

Wizard: Well, I know [the bard] and we’ve done stuff like this before, I guess, so I think he wants me to kill you. The skeletons are a little weird but that’s okay.

DM: I… y-yeah, okay, roll.

*rolls*

DM: Okay. You do 5 damage to the paladin. Good job. It is now [the paladin]’s turn.

Paladin: I want to move over here and hide under my safety blanket because my team is being mean to me.

DM: (already sure this can’t get any stupider) Okay. Fine. Roll for safety blanket.

*rolls*

DM: You feel really goddamn safe. Does anyone else want to do team damage or hide in the corner or can we get through this first fight?

Magic Fingers

DM: The door in front of you is locked, but you recall having picked up a key from the wizard you killed.

Assassin OOC: I want to pick the lock.

DM: Your thief’s tools are broken. And your cleric has a key.

Cleric OOC: I use my key to-

Assassin OOC: I use the claws from my magic gloves to pick the lock.

Nat 20 plus a ridiculously high Open Lock.

DM: Ignoring the Cleric holding the key behind you, you masterfully work the claws from your glove and a small “click” is heard. However, you swear you also heard a small moan coming from the keyhole.

Cleric: When this is over, it’s going to be you, me, and a bottle of wine. *Bard!* You are gonna watch us!

Assassin: I don’t think-

Bard singing: YOU’VE GOT THE TOUCH!

Squeaky Floors

During the final session of my campaign, my main NPC was giving his huge speach, revealing how he was about to summon a massive demon.

NPC: …“and you will all now witness as I bring back the demon known as…..”

His speach was interrupted when one of my players let out a loud and squeaky fart at the table

NPC: “That’s funny, I didn’t realize these dungeon floors creaked”

The group broke out laughing.

Later, during the battle, the demon himself was speaking

Demon NPC: “You puny creatures will all fall under my control as I….”

His speach was also interrupted by another loud and squeaky fart

Demon PC: “Huh, I never knew that stone floors creaked”