lehmo

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

Lehmo describes how he proposed to his girlfriend:

Lehmo: So I say to her, “Hey, let’s go sit out on the balcony and have a drink.” She’s going, “You’re kidding, I’m starving! I want to go up to dinner.” I said, “No, just come out on the balcony for a while!” She goes, “The balcony’ll still be there tomorrow. I’m hungry, let’s go and have dinner.” I’m like, right, I’ve gotta get her out on the balcony to propose. So I say, “Hey, I want to show you something on the balcony.” And I’d picked out, I had this little speech prepared…

Wil: I need to point out, by the way, that we have friends …  who are married, who… it was Sculptures by the Sea, which is this big outdoor sculptures thing they have in Bondi in Sydney. He proposed to her at night near the sculptures because he thought it’d be really romantic. And he had to lure her down there, because she was like, “Oh, I don’t want to take off my shoes.” And he’s in the wet sand cos it’s going to be all romantic and stuff, so he eventually has to say, “Come over here, I’ve got something to show you.” And she said to him, which I thought was brilliant because it actually summed up how well she knew him– she goes, “Is it your cock?”

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

Lehmo: How old is the dog?

Wil: Her name is Ramona and she’s about ten weeks now.

Lehmo: So, are you taking her to puppy school for training?

Wil: She can’t go to puppy school. We’re puppy homeschooling her because we have some interesting ideas about religion and she can’t have traditional medicine.

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

Lehmo’s marriage proposal did not go as planned:

Lehmo: So I said, “Come out on the balcony, I want to show you something.” She goes, “What’s wrong with you?” “Just come out on the balcony!” She goes, “Oh, is there a monkey out there?”

Justin: And it turns out, she was right!

Wil: That will get someone out on the balcony, though.

Justin: It’d get me out on the balcony.

Lehmo: So I get her out on the balcony and she goes, “Where’s the monkey?” I said, “There’s not a monkey, just sit down here.” So she sits down and then I get down on bended knee and she goes, “What are you doing?” So then I start my little love speech – she goes, “Why are you saying this? What’s your– what’s your problem? Why– what’s gotten into you? What are you doing?” And she keeps interrupting so I abandon the love speech. Oh, then she says, “Are you testing material?”

Wil: “I don’t like this new shit. It’s too personal and it’s way too soppy. And why are you saying things like ‘bended knee’? Seriously. Like, you’re just on your knee. Of course it’s bent. The only way that you are on your knee is if it is bent. It’s a completely redundant thing, unless you are lying flat, in which case you do not say that you are on your knee at all. You are lying down. Stupid expression! What are you talking about? Is this material for a new show? Where’s my monkey? You promised me a fucking monkey! At least show me your cock. If I do not see your cock or a monkey, I am leaving you!” And ironically, she’s now having a whine on the balcony.

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

[Wil is trying to get his new podcasting equipment working.]

Lehmo: I wish I was a technical expert, because sitting here watching Wil trying to fix this would be like… I don’t know, watching… in what culture do men not wear pants? Like a Fijian… like, let’s say you went to Fiji two hundred years ago and gave a man a pair of pants.

Wil: Or if Todd McKenney started his own civilisation. If Todd McKenney went on, like, a contiki tour and got off on an island, fell over, lost his pants and just went, “ah, fuck it, I can’t go back to Australia again with no pants. I’ve gotta… for some reason, Malcolm Fraser’s here.” That’s a very good Australian political joke, for people who want to google that incident. And he’s started his own civilisation, the Dancing With the Stars gay judge, pantsless gay judge, has decided, “I’m going to start my own civilisation, except no one on my island wears pants.”

Lehmo: And then after a couple of hundred years, you gave someone pants and they just stared at them and didn’t know what to do. And that would look ridiculous to you, as Wil trying to sort this out would look ridiculous to someone who is technically proficient.

Justin: Or, in other jargon, anyone who is over fifteen.

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

Lehmo’s marriage proposal did not go as planned:

Lehmo: So I abandon the love speech, because I figure she is not gonna– she’s not getting into this. So I pull the diamond out of my pocket, which is in a little case, and I present it to her and I say to her, “Will you marry me?” And again she goes, “What are you doing?” And she opens it up and looks at the diamond and says, “Are we on some sort of hidden camera thing? What is this?”

Wil: You’ve been trying to claim the whole trip for The Project. “If I could just film one prank while we’re here…”

Lehmo: Then I can claim the whole trip!

Wil: Your radio station hasn’t got the whole we-don’t-do-pranks-any-more memo yet. Lehmo’s got this great one to bring the prank back. 

Lehmo: So I say to her, “I’m proposing to you.” And she looks at the diamond, looks at me, and sees I’m quite exasperated and I’ve been trying really hard here, and she goes – and this is her exact, I quote exactly, this is her line – she goes, “Holy snappin’ duck shit, you’re fuckin’ serious.” That was her line.

Wil: If you didn’t want to marry her before…

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

Lehmo’s marriage proposal did not go as planned:

Lehmo: She goes, “You’re serious.” I said, “Yes, I am. Will you marry me?” And she goes, “Oh, of course! Of course I will!” I said, “Well, what the fuck was the last three minutes about if the answer’s of course?”

Justin: Just great.

Wil: I mean, you’ve gone to all that effort of getting her a genuine blood diamond from South Africa.

Lehmo: I’d spent the afternoon scraping the blood off the diamond.

Wil: She’s there going, “Is this material?” You’re going, “It wasn’t before, but it is now!”

Lehmo: Exactly!

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

Wil: I’m gonna force updates, you’re right. Oh! I’m sorry! That sounded, in the context…

Lehmo: You’re reading off the computer.

Wil: I was! It said, “Force updates?” I said, “I am going to force the updates.” I feel like it’s not updating. “Force updates” does sound like something that it should be a debate about whether comedians can talk about forced updates.

FOFOP Episode 0 - NOFOP

Lehmo: I’ll tell you what, in all seriousness, how’s that for a fucking business model, though? Someone – an accountant, a qualified accountant – who strips during the consultation. How much would you pay for that and how much would you forgive the shit accounting work if that was a service available to you?

Wil: Well, it’s like the nudie cleaners. Like, no one’s booking a nudie cleaner based on–

Lehmo: What’s a nudie cleaner?

Wil: Well, you know, people do cleaning in the nude. That’s a thing.

Lehmo: Get the fuck! Really?

Wil: So you can get a cleaner who cleans in lingerie or in the nude.

Justin: Lehmo’s suddenly realising he proposed just a bit too soon.