The Bachelorette Week Nine aka Men Tell All The Things We’re No Longer Interested In
Here’s What Happened Monday
For those of you who don’t know,
The Bachelor franchise does this cute little shtick called the Men Tell All
where, in lieu of a real episode, they bring back all the season’s rejected
contestants to rehash old grudges and remind people why they’re interesting
before they all go on Bachelor In Paradise. Yawn.
Chris Harrison promises an unforgettable
(but likely very forgettable) night of drama for which they considered beefing
up security, but didn’t. To kick off said drama, we are treated with ten
minutes of filler from past Men-Tell-All’s starring men I’ve never heard of nor
cared about in my life.
After the commercial break we are
reintroduced to Rachel’s former men again. There are a few new hairstyles (and
hairplugs… Matt), but most things are the same. Diggy adjusts his bowtie, Whaboom
guy does his thing, Blake is still sadly only an “aspiring” drummer, and Dean
just sits there being young and beautiful.
DeMario, sad clown, guy accused of
sexually assaulting a fellow castmate on Bachelor In Paradise, tries to regain
his dignity by claiming that the girlfriend who got him eliminated from The
Bachelorette was merely a sidechick. Classy. Some dude named Jamey accuses him
of hurting oh so many people, a point lost while everyone thought, “who the
hell is this guy?”
Kenny The Dad and Your Racist Uncle Lee
Of course we have to deal with the
Lee/Kenny drama again, which we were all happy to leave in the past as this
season’s major racism-for-kicks embarrassment. All the men take the side of good
guy Kenny, except DeMario who defends his fellow villain.
After making Kenny out to be the
best man and father ever (including a surprise appearance by his adorable
daughter, who Kenny either knew was coming or was kidnapped and brought to set),
Lee offers a shallow apology for being a douche. No one is having it though – not
even Chris Harrison, who fans the flames by bringing up Lee’s old tweet
comparing the NAACP to the KKK. Lee painstakingly acknowledges that his tweet
(and maybe some of his behavior) was racist and apologizes. The other men
accept and vow to try to rehabilitate his racist ass.
But seriously, the winners? Anthony, Josiah, Kenny, and all the guys who challenged systemic racism on national television. Slow clap.
Dean The Real Boy
Chris Harrison invites Dean
onstage, strokes his velvet camo tux jacket, and mutters “everybody loves some
Dean.” We get to watch the Dean highlight reel: the weird “once I go black I’ll
never go back” line, the weird sandbox thing, the weird dad thing, his swift
dumping. What a legacy.
Dean looks older to me, a little
more comfortable in his skin, a little fuller in the face, a little stupider in
the hair. He reveals that he’ll be on Bachelor In Paradise, which is great
because he’ll finally be close in age to some of his fellow contestants. (Nick’s
rejected 23-year-olds, I’m looking at you.)
Rachel comes out, Dean asks her
why she told him she loved him before kicking him off, she says she did love
him, he says “k”, they hug and then it’s blessedly over.
Lee Again, Seriously
Rachel says, “I’ve watched the
tapes now so fuck you, Lee,” and then it’s blessedly over.
Adam, For Some Reason, So By Default Also Matt
Rachel tells America they didn’t get
to see the good stuff with these two, but we still don’t care.
F*ckin FRED Oh My God What A Waste
Fred is still hurt (AS AM I) that Rachel
couldn’t grow up and let him be the beautiful hunk of man that he is and was
and always will be.
For me, this is easily the most
interesting part of the show, for it gives us a tiny glimpse into the untouched
world behind the scenes of The Bachelorette. Things break. People fall. Dean
sticks a nasty wad of gum behind his ear for his confessional, full-on Violet
Beauregarde style. Dead Eric looks even more corpsely as the fake light taped to
the ceiling above him falls. It is all so eadearingly real, which all the more
reminds us that it’s all so unsettlingly fake.
Next week we finally get to see
the finale. Will Rachel pick the sleaze, the noncommit, or the dead man?