To the man who left:

I don’t think you’re a bad person for leaving.
You knew I needed you, but I know I made it hard for you to be there when I’d push you far away from me.


I don’t blame you for leaving. I know I can be more than a handful at times. My head loves to get the best of me and my paranoia quickly replaced you as my companion.


I’m not mad at you. I just don’t know how to let someone love me at night without expecting them to leave the next morning. That’s why I sometimes cried while we had sex. I didn’t expect you to hold me afterwards. I wanted you to, but god, I was scared.


I wanted you to stay, but I didn’t know how to be okay with it. I didn’t know how to allow you to love the parts of me that I despised.


Above all things, please know that I did love you, but I was just too scared. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I know you did the best you could. I know a person can only take so much.


I guess what I’m left with now is guilt, but I don’t deserve to miss you. I’ll keep quiet for your own sake. I know I am toxic. I know it is time to move on. Please forget me.


I deserve it.

—  to the man who left
3 AM on a Tuesday and instead of sleep, my heart demands more whiskey.
I am trying to erase this ghost of a feeling that wants nothing but to remember you at all times.
My ears long to hear your voice but I’ve already burned the bridge.
My Darling, I’m sorry I ended up being nothing like the person I promised you I would be.
I’m filled to the brim with guilt for not sticking by you as long as you would’ve let me.
You see, I’m not like the people who walk this earth only to love and love with all of their being and ask for nothing in return.
I still try to find constellations in your eyes and look for you in places even though I do not want to look at the love that I loved so dearly looking into the eyes of someone they call ‘home’.
You’ve occupied a lot of space in my heart and there’s nothing I could ever say or do to fall out of love with you but I hope, years from now, your name does not fill me with guilt but with sweet nostalgia that reminds me of a love that taught me how to live. A love that looked at all my scars and all my flaws but still chose to love me. A love that made sure I wasn’t fighting my battles alone. A love that held my hand in all my struggles and told me that there’s nothing in this world I couldn’t do. And most importantly, I hope, years from now, you forgive me.
But it’s 3 AM on a Tuesday and instead of sleep, my heart demands to forget you.
—  I tried so hard not to make this about you but you’re stuck in my head like a catchy beat on repeat. // Astha (via uponthisearth)