Well, Shit. (A Voltron Fanfiction Chapter 7)
Hey guys! Here’s Chapter 7! I hope you like it! Chapter 8 is on the way not to worry! Thank you to all the love and support! I’ve gotten some great messages and I’m so happy that you guys are enjoying the story! It’s nearing the end but please enjoy!
Want to read from the beginning? Here you go!
When Lance confesses every bad thought he’s had to the team, and it doesn’t go well. Lance has to get out . The team has to come to terms with what Lance said and figure out how they can make it right.
Chapter 7: Well, Mierda.
Lance ran as fast as he could. He could feel Blue calling out to him, she could feel his fear, his panic, his pain and she wanted to help. So when he made it to the hangar she was ready and waiting, mouth open ready to protect him. He ran inside.
I need to get out of here I feel like I can’t breathe. Lance said to her, through their bond like so many times before.
I understand. She replied.
Lance sat heavily in his chair, console lighting up. He leaned his head back and let Blue into his mind. Then he was seeing through her eyes. She looked at the hangar door, ramming it trying to get out. She was desperate or maybe that was Lance it was hard to tell when they were like this.
Her attention was drawn to a voice, Shiro looking panicked and worried, running into Blue’s hangar.
“LANCE!” Shiro shouted, “PLEASE STOP!” Shiro begged.
Blue looked at him and turned back ramming the hangar door again. Lance needed to get out. They had to get out.
Shiro was still shouting but Lance couldn’t hear him.
“LANCE PLEASE! DON’T GO!” SHiro shouted. Suddenly Hunk appeared next to him, dragging Shiro out of the hangar.
“HUNK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Shiro shouted at him with anger.
“Shiro. Stop. Let him go.” Hunk said seriously.
“What?” Shiro asked incredulously.
Hunk let the tears that he had been stopping slide down his face.
“Please. You have to let Lance go. He won’t stop when he’s like this.” Hunk said, another bang came from the hangar, Blue desperately trying to escape.
“Lance just confessed a bunch of stuff that we know he didn’t really mean, his emotions are off the wall. He needs time to gather himself, then we go after him.” Hunk said wiping tears from his face.
Everyone had joined them outside of the hangar door, crashing sounds becoming more frequent.
“If we try to talk to him now…” Hunk said shaking his head, “He’ll just become more panicked and we’ll make it worse. Please just… wait.” Hunk said.
Shiro’s whole body seemed to sag, like all the energy had been drained. Finally there was a huge crash and an alarm sounded.
“Lance and Blue have left the hangar.” Coran said finally.
So they all stood in the noise of the alarm, completely silent.
Lance and Blue went out into space, dark and quiet. They need to go someplace, some place with a breeze and water. But they were too far from Earth so another planet would have to do. Images floated across Lance’s mind, a beach with pink sand and green water. A yellow sky with purple clouds, a planet similar to Earth and it was close.
Let’s go. Lance and Blue said together and they did.
They flew for a long while passing stars and planets of beautiful and terrifying color and shape. Lance couldn’t believe that he had gotten used to space, something he could only dream about when he was younger. Here he was floating among the stars and he felt nothing.
Then the planet was in front of them, a colorful version of Earth. They descended. Blue landing on the beach. Lance slowly opened his eyes coming back to himself. He felt empty, like he had left everything back on the Castle and maybe he did.
He got out of Blue, a breeze whipping his brown hair around. The beach was similar to Varadero beach, where he spent his childhood. The sand was pink instead of the beautiful white, the water a vibrant green framed by a light yellow sky. Lance went to a spot next to the water and sat. He let the breeze wash over him and watched the water come in and out in a constant beat.
Before he realized hot and heavy tears streaked down his face, what had he done? He curled in on himself, bring his knees up, arms wrapped around them.
“They must hate me now.” He said with such raw sadness.
No, they do not. Blue said.
“But how do you know? Blue, I-I said horrible things to them. Every passing thought I had, everything I’ve thought bad about them I sa-said.” Lance said the breaths hitching in his throat, tight and hot. “They didn’t deserve that, it was cruel. How could I…” Lance said not able to finish because sobs were racking his body shaking him to his very core. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried like this.
They do not hate you. I can feel it. The lions are connected. They are confused and sad but they do not hate my Lance. Blue said, they know my Lance is kind and they know my Lance is hurt and they didn’t notice. That’s how they feel.
Lance just tried to breathe, tried to calm down but his heart hurt so much and it wouldn’t stop. It was like he had lost all control of his emotions.
You know she lies to you, right?
Lance looked up hesitantly, it was Lotor not the real one but the one in his head.
They hate you now. They won’t come for you. Just stay on this beach, it’s nice here.
Lance shook his head, this wasn’t real. He wasn’t going to continue to let this hallucination walk all over him. Lance stood, Lotor watching.
“Shut up.” Lance said.
Oh he speaks.
Lance set his jaw, “Leave me alone. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Lance said.
Lotor looked shocked and then smiled, his face began to change and Lance was once again staring at himself, the self without the scars, the way he was before.
I can’t leave Lance. I’m you. There’s no escape.
Lance paused and suddenly something clicked, the steel that had covered his emotions cracked and began to fall apart. The thing that was created on Lotor’s ship. The steel fell away, but he didn’t need it anymore, he didn’t need to hide anymore. He realized that now, he was allowed to feel afraid, he was allowed to feel jealous, he was allowed to feel.
“No you’re right.” Lanced breathed, understanding.
“I can’t get you out. You’re me, the part of me I wish I didn’t have. You’re my doubt, my sadness, my anger, jealousy, fear and every other crappy emotion. You’re all of it in one.” Lance took a breath, looking himself in his own blue eyes, “But I need to accept that you’re a part of me, not separate from me. Just like me and Blue when we fly, we have to accept one another. I’m sorry I keep pushing you out, that I keep ignoring you.” Lance said.
His hallucination looked afraid, and he backed up.
“I accept you, okay? And I forgive you. You’re the part of me that… makes me human. I’m sorry.” Lance said, tears streaming down his face.
His hallucination shook his head and slowly, little by little he began to fade. Lance knew that his wasn’t a normal thing, talking to your own hallucination or accepting yourself in this weird way. But if it was what it took to move on and to accept what had happened to him. To accept the new him then that’s what he would do.
And Lance was left on the beach with Blue.
“Better.” Lance said.
The team had gathered in the lounge on the couches and they didn’t say anything for a long time. Hunk was worried, they all were. He was the one to suggest waiting but they could at least productive.
“We have to talk about what Lance said.” Hunk stated.
Everyone remained silence but began to straighten, Shiro nodded and although everyone still looked pale and a little shocked they looked determined.
After a pause Keith started, “Do you guys know why he said um… why Lance kept calling me perfect and the stuff he said about Shiro.” Keith asked.
To their surprise Pidge answered.
“Well Shiro pays a lot of extra attention to you.” Pidge said, like it was obvious.
Shiro blinked a little shocked, “What?” He asked.
Hunk nodded, “You do. Like when Keith held a sword to that one guy when we were trying to rescue? And when you chose him for the Blade of Marmora mission. Lance had a point that Keith can be a hot head. No offense Keith. But despite all that you seem to trust Keith the most out of all of us.” Hunk said.
Shiro looked shocked.
“But you and Keith have a past so I guess it makes sense. But still you seem to pay extra attention to him. I think maybe Lance felt useless. I can only count on one hand the amount of time you’ve complimented or even talked to Lance just the two of you. Mostly you just tell him to focus and stuff. And Lance looks up to you, you’re his hero so it must have hurt. But we kind of all hurt Lance.” Hunk said, looking disappointed.
There was an awkward silence.
“I’m sorry.” Allura said, they all looked at her, “I um… I forget how young you, I mean we are. I try to treat you like soldiers. But that’s just a part of who were are. I forget that sometimes and I think that really hurt Lance.” She swallowed.
“Every time he opened his mouth and said a joke it was just to get us out of that serious mindset. To get us to act our age. And every time I tried to get him to stop when all he was trying to do was help us in his own way. But no matter how many times I told him to stop, or ignored him, he would always check on me after a hard mission. Give me a compliment, make sure I was okay and I always felt better. But I never did the same for him and I should have.” Allura finished.
“I’m also sorry.” Coran said, “I think I saw something wrong, a long time ago but I failed to notice in time to help Lance.” He said.
“What do you mean?” Keith asked.
Coran looked at them all with sad eyes.
“After the explosion where Lance saved me, I went to thank him personally after he recovered. After I thanked him he said, don’t worry Coran you’re important so of course I’d save you, don’t worry about it. That silly boy has a way of making you feel at ease and I didn’t think about it. But today when he said he wasn’t important, that he doesn’t deserve to be here… It made me think of that moment. Like he was implying that because he wasn’t important, then of course he’d save me someone he considers important.” Coran finished.
Thoughts ran through everyone’s mind, thinking back on what Lance has said before.
I’M NOT IMPORTANT OR SPECIAL OR ANYTHING!
Why? There’s nothing you or the rest of the team can do. It’s not important.
Maybe I don’t have a thing.
Don’t worry about it.
ONLY AFTER I GET BUSTED UP DO YOU FINALLY CARE! ONLY AFTER I’M GOING HALF INSANE DO YOU FINALLY FUCKING NOTICE!
Pretend you didn’t see this.
Everyone quickly realized that they really hadn’t noticed and Lance had been right all along. They had ignored him, treated him horribly for a long time. Lance was supposed to be their brother, their buddy and they treated him like trash.
“Without realizing it, we’ve been hurting Lance this entire time. And he just kept it down, didn’t confront us. He just took it. Maybe it was little things but it’s obvious that it affected him and we just continued to do it. Even when Lance was tried to tell us how he felt the entire time. He feels like he not a part of this team but despite that he protected us with everything he had.” Shiro said feeling shame and guilt growing in his chest.
“He lost his eye saving us.” Pidge said in a whisper.
“He’s been trying so hard to catch up with the rest of us, not realizing that he’s actually the best out of all of us.” Keith said.
“We have to make him feel like he is a part of this team because he is. He keeps us together, makes us laugh. We need Lance back.” Allura said.
There was a long silence.
Hunk smiled, “Then let’s go get him!” Hunk said.
“Yeah!” Shiro said.
The team got in the black lion, since they didn’t need to take all of them for this. Allura’s face popped up on the screen.
“Lance has landed his lion on a planet not too far from here. It’s atmosphere and gravity is similar to your Earth. I sent you the exact coordinates of the signal.” She paused, “When you find Lance, we’d like to hear what you’re saying to him or if he has anything to say to us. So if you could keep your comms on…” Allura trailed off.
Shiro smiled, “Of course Princess.” He said.
Allura smiled, her face disappearing from the screen. So they flew. It would take about fifteen minutes to get there.
“What do we do once we get there?” Pidge asked quietly.
“Just follow my lead.” Hunk said smiling, “Just do what I do!” Hunk said.
“Okay.” Shiro said hesitantly.
They arrived at the planet, it really was similar to Earth and after locating the coordinates they descended. They landed down the beach from the blue lion. They got out and Hunk led the way walking along the beach. As they got closer they saw Lance, sitting just before the water staring at the Technicolor scenery with a serene expression on his face.
Hunk sat just behind Lance, not speaking and the rest of the team did the same. The pink sand was warm under their fingers and they joined Lance in staring at the ocean before them. They were silent for a long time until Lance spoke. They looked at his back focused on his form against the scenery.
“I grew up near a beach like this one. I always went there when I needed space to think. I grew up in a house of seven kids and although I loved it ninety-nine percent of the time I sometimes needed to clear my head so I would go to the beach. Something about the moment of the water always calmed me down and put things in perspective.” Lance took a breath before continuing, “Although my family was big I was always showered with a lot of love and attention because my mom is that kind of woman. She’s the best, a single parent since my dad died after my youngest sister was born. But my mom always makes sure that we know we’re loved and important.” Lance said. They couldn’t see his face because he sounded like he was smiling causing the rest of them to smile.
“It was because of her that I joined the Garrison. She said to me once, Lance if you ever have a chance to go get your dreams then go, family never leaves you but dreams can. So go and we’ll be here when you come back. It because of that that I took that ridiculous test and joined the Garrison with a new American name and three months of English under my belt. So I went, I wanted to learn about space and explore and everything. But when I got to the Garrison it wasn’t what I imagined. I was at the bottom of the pecking order again in terms of smarts and skill. So I worked hard really hard. Really hard. I got to the top of the cargo pilot class and when I was upgraded to fighter class I thought my hard work had paid off.” Lance said, his voice falling a little bit.
“But I only got in because Keith dropped.” Lance said.
Keith felt a pang in his heart, he could feel where this was going.
“And believe me they really liked to remind me of that. Every time I fucked up they would remind me that I was just a replacement for the best pilot of our generation. Maybe that’s where it all started, I don’t know.” Lance took a breath, “And when we got Shiro and I actually met Keith and actually talked to him, I had already made this competition in my mind. Because in the Garrison I was already competing against you Keith, even if you weren’t there… I honestly hated you. I don’t anymore but I was jealous and mad and I didn’t even know you. I’m sorry about that.” Lance said.
He curled his legs up to his chest, resting his head on his knees.
“And when I met Blue I thought, this is what I was meant to do, all the stuff I went through before was all leading to this. Finally I would belong to something greater, something I could do to help people. I was happy.” Lance took another breath, “But in the end I was compared to Keith, constantly. Told to focus, to be better. I fell behind. That wasn’t anyone’s fault really and the more time that passed the more I realized how ordinary I am compared to everyone. Shiro is the great leader and pilot in his own right. Pidge is super super smart for her age. Hunk is the best person and the best engineer. Keith’s the best pilot of his generation and just really cool. Allura’s the super awesome and pretty space princess and Coran keeps us all running in top shape. And I’m…” Lance paused, “I’m just a boy from Cuba fighting a space war I’ll never win, a cheap replacement for someone who you all deserve more. That feeling kept growing and growing and when I decided to blow up the ship…” Lance took a breath, “There was a small part of me that wished that I died, because at least I would have been important then. I would the blue paladin that helped his team escape an enemy by sacrificing himself. That would have made a great story.” Lance paused.
The team let that sink in but it was hard to absorb. Shiro wanted to speak, to Lance he was wrong but Hunk shook his head, Lance wasn’t done yet.
“But I didn’t. And I don’t think that way anymore. But I got captured on Lotor’s ship and was tortured. But there was this moment that I was so so scared. I was terrified of dying, of being hurt and I wanted to give up. But something clicked like my emotions just disappeared for a bit. I didn’t feel afraid. I didn’t feel much of anything. I thought that I had a job to do, to protect you guys because you guys are the important protectors of the universe. It was the only way I could cope and when you rescued me it didn’t go away. Neither did Lotor.” Lance said, “I see him sometimes, when I was captured he would say things to me. Not the real thing, just my mind. He’d say things I didn’t want to hear. Sometimes he would change into other people, Shiro, Pidge, Hunk, Keith, Allura, Coran, my mom, siblings and sometimes he turned into me. But those hallucinations, I thought they were because of the pain or some weird Druid thing. But when I woke up from the healing pod… he hadn’t gone away. He was standing right there but I couldn’t say anything.” Lance said, his voice becoming tight.
“I thought that if I said anything then you would doubt my ability as a pilot. I thought you would send me back to Earth. I thought you’d tell me that you didn’t need me and no matter how much I want to go back to Earth, I know that I want to belong here. But I always felt like I was never quite part of the team. When we form Voltron it’s the only time I feel like I belong. But outside of that, I just…” Lance trailed off.
“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry for everything I said. I didn’t mean any of it, not a word. I love you guys, I love Voltron, I love helping people and I’m so sorry that I said that stuff. I wish I could take it back. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Lance put his head in his hands, tears flowing freely in quiet sobs.
They were silent and Hunk moved and so did the rest of the team. Hunk put a gentle hand on Lance’s knee, Pidge a hand on the other. Shiro stroked Lance’s hair. Keith had a hand on his shoulder. They were all so warm and the feeling made Lance cry harder.
“Lance…” Shiro began, “You have nothing to be sorry about. We’re sorry. We’ve been hurting you this entire time and we didn’t know. I’m sorry we didn’t notice sooner.” Shiro said.
“Yeah you’re a part of this team. The entire time you were gone we were going crazy without you keeping us grounded. The castle, the lions, nothing felt the same without you man.” Hunk said.
“Lance I love you, a lot. You remind me a lot of my brother Matt, always helping me out and checking up on me, making me laugh. I don’t know how I’d be here without you.” Pidge said.
“Listen, Lance. You’re a part of this team and we’re sorry we haven’t treated you that way. But we’ll get better. We’ll try to be better.” Keith said.
They stayed like that, holding onto Lance as he cried. They stayed like that for a long time and Lance finally felt like he finally belonged.