Concept: Les Misérables (1862) but if Lemony Snicket was the author
Example: to Enjolras–darling, dearest, dead.
If you’re seeking a story whose tragic beginning is followed by a less-tragic middle and an inevitably uplifting denouement, this book should be avoided at all costs. The approximately six hundred and fifty-five thousand words that are about to follow contain the tales of several bright and brave young people who each meet an unfortunate end and several less-bright, less-young people, including myself, who unfortunately survive to recount the events. “Unfortunate” is a word which here means “luckless” and “miserable”, the latter definition having been used for the title of this novel, designed to dissuade you, the misguided reader, from continuing past the cover page.
There are other techniques I have employed in this book that are designed to stop you from yourself becoming miserable by reading this story in its entirety. Firstly, the physical novel, which as you may notice shares the same dimensions and weight as a standard housing brick, for the utmost inconvenience. Secondly, I have included several hundred pages of information which are both uninteresting and have little bearing on the grander story in the meager hope that you will come to your senses and place this novel back on your shelf or better, in a lit fireplace, where I solemnly believe it belongs.
For example, the use of candlesticks. The word “candlestick” is derived from the purpose of the item itself, that is an object, most often metal, commonly silver, in which one can stick a candle. Many dictionaries define “candlestick” as
“an often ornamental holder for securing a candle or candles”. “Candleholder” is another, less commonly used word for “candlestick”. Candlesticks come in a variety of forms and sizes, and can contain a variety of numbers of candles often demarcated by their names-a “trikirion” contains three candles and a “menorah” contains seven. If you have had the fortitude-a word which here means “strength of mind”-to make it this far through this dull paragraph, it may be of some note to say that the candlesticks with which we concern ourselves in this story are single candlesticks, that may each contain one candle.
Thirdly, not only have I named the main character in a redundant manner-Jean Valjean-I have decided to tell you here that Jean Valjean perishes on the final page of this novel. That is my story’s conclusion.
With all this information in mind, and having the ending already known, I now give you my final warning and pleading suggestion to forget about this book. Put it down. Hide it away. Bury it in a cemetery late at night with the assistance of a man named Fauchelevant. Forget it ever existed. For now the story must begin.
It begins in a town called Digne, on a grey and dreary night under the roof of a very kind but elderly and poor man, the bishop of the town, whose name was Myriel.
Anon- I havith a
requstith!! all righty so the reader, jared, and connor go with evan to get his
wisdom teeth out. so evan, being all loopy after the operation is in the car
with the other three on the way home and starts talking to the reader in the
backseat. so he’s like “hey *insert name here* you know my friend Connor?
yeah well I’m not supposed to tell you this but he likes my friend y/n”
and then everyone laughs and then like fluffy cute stuff (maybe a kiss) between
Connor and the reader? Thank
Callout to @anotherstellarconversation for helping me out, bless u <3 (and go check
them out please!!!!) Cries it’s been so long since this was sent, I’m sorry!! Regardless,
I hope you enjoy <3,
Words – 1730
Warnings – None (other than OOC characters)!
Evan just wanted to spend a day with his friends. He just
wanted to sit down, maybe watch some movies, and just hang out. Instead, he is
sitting in the back seat of Connor’s car, clinging onto Jared’s arm. The poor
boy is shaking in his seat, and continuously toying with his shirt. He would
occasionally run a hand through his hair, trying to get himself to calm down.
It didn’t work.
“Evan, if you don’t let go I am going to lose my fucking
arm.” Jared mumbled, shaking his arm.
“Wh-what? Am I really holding on that tightly?” Evan
spluttered, quickly letting go of Jared’s arm.
“Jared, let him cling, he deserves it.” You say, turning in
your seat to glare at Jared, who just rolled his eyes.
“Fine.” Jared said, holding out his arm. “Go nuts, Hansen.
Just… Try not to cause a blood clot, alright? I kind of need my arm.”
Evan grasps Jared’s arm, grasping it not as tightly. He
smiles at you and for moment, he seems a little less stressed. A little.
You turned your attention next to you, towards Connor. His
window was down, which allowed his hair to flow freely, and occasionally fall
in front of his face. His eyes were focused on the road, and his eyebrows would
furrow in concentration (or maybe in slight irritation). To say that he was
beautiful like this would be an understatement.
You fell for the boy hard.
Even if everyone thought you were smitten for Evan, that was far from the
truth. Sure, you might shamelessly flirt with the tree lover occasionally, but
it was all in good fun. Evan knew this, and he was okay with it. You were even
sure that Connor knew.
And now you sit here, watching his hair flow, and his eyes
reflecting the light of the sun.
“Hey, Y/N. Are you even paying attention?” A hand moved in
front of your face and snapped.
You turn your head towards to back of the car, and look at
Jared. “Sorry, what?”
Jared smirked and began snickering. “What? Were you staring
“What were you talking about, Jared?” You say, a bit
stricter. Its best if Connor didn’t realize you were staring.
Jared kept a smug grin, but dropped the subject. “Right…
What are we going to do after this? Should we stick Evan somewhere and see what
Evan froze up. “What- NO! No, please don’t do that.”
“What’s stopping us?” Jared said, his grin widening.
“I know where we could hide Evan if you really want to.” Connor added, glancing at the three of you.
You slap Connor’s shoulder. “Dude! Leave him alone! Besides,
I’m sure that your places suck and are obvious as hell.”
“I could show you after Evan’s appointment-“
“You are not p-putting me anywhere! I just want to get this
over with, please? And maybe we can all get ice cream or something?” Evan said,
rubbing his arm.
“Alright, fine… We’re here anyways.” Jared mumbles.
Connor parked the car, and the four of you get out. Evan
instantly grabbed you hand the moment you stepped next to him.
“Everything will be alright. We’ll be in the waiting room
when you get back.” You said, gently squeezing Evan’s hand.
You gently lead Evan into the doctor’s office, looking back
at the other two to make sure they were following.
Jared looked entertained, while Connor seemed agitated.
Maybe he was just tired.
While the three of you sat and waited, you rested your head
on Connor’s shoulder.
“If you weren’t so bony, you would be the best arm rest.”
You grumbled, poking Connor’s cheek.
He flinched slightly and looked over at you. “Why not lean
up against meme boy over there then?”
“Because he’s lame and won’t let me do that?”
Jared looked at you. “Who said I wouldn’t?”
“Oh hell no.”
It seemed like hours before the three of you could enter the
room that Evan was located. By that time, you fell asleep on Connor’s shoulder,
and clung to his arm.
Connor looked down at you. Your hair was pushed around, and
your mouth was slightly agape. He wasn’t sure if you were drooling on him or
not, but your gentle snores were adorable.
Jared looked over at the two of you, and carefully took out
his phone, taking a photo. “Wow, you are even more stalker like than L/N.”
Connor only glared at Jared, turning his attention back to
A lady opened the waiting room door, and peaked her head in.
“You three are here for Mr. Hansen, yes? Everything is done now, you can come
Jared stood up and glanced over at the two. “C’mon losers.”
Connor glanced over at you, and gently moved his shoulder.
“Hey, wake up. Hansen is done having his teeth ripped out.”
You groaned slightly, and opened your eyes. “Please tell me
Jared isn’t in there.”
Connor doesn’t respond.
You instantly stand up. “Alright, I am up.” You grabbed
Connor’s hand, pulled him up, and tugged him towards the door. “Come on,
Huffing, Connor stood up and followed you. “Stop pulling on
my arm, and maybe I’ll follow you.” He didn’t let go of your hand.
When you walked inside the room where Evan was seated, Jared
was near tears.
“H-holy shit… Dude, are you okay?”
Evan slowly looked up at the three of you. The way his eyes
were narrowed made it seem like he was concentrating on something. Not only
that, but he just kept mumbling something over and over again.
“Evan, dude, you alright?” Connor asks, raising his eyebrow.
“…Hey… I think… I think I died… What… What the hell are you
guys?” Evan muttered, and looked quizzically at the three of you.
You just stared at him. “Evan, do want some nuggets?”
Evan looked up at you and smiled. “Hell yeah, Spruce.”
Jared almost pissed himself.
The four of you sat in Connor’s car. However, Jared decided
it would be a great idea if he drove (he does not trust Connor’s driving, even
if he did drive all of you to the dentist), and Evan sat in the passenger seat.
This would then leave you and Connor in the backseat, kicking the other’s seats.
“Hey… Spruce! How… How did I die? Am I part tree? Wh-wh…
What if I didn’t die, but you died.
Maybe you – or the fluffy dude – are all a fragment of my imagination. Maybe
none of us are real.”
Jared glanced over at Evan. “Hansen getting deep. Never do
this shit ever again, thanks.”
You just smiled and gently pat Evan’s head. “Then you are a
super cool fragment.”
“Super shitty.” Connor mumbled, rolling his eyes.
Evan just continues to smile for a few more minutes.
Suddenly, his eyes lit up, and he gently gasped.
“Spruce! I… I have a secret!”
You laughed and tilted your head. “Yeah, what is it?”
“Okay, so you know my friend, Connor?”
At the sound of his named, Connor instantly snapped his
attention towards Evan. “What the fuck are you-“
Evan interrupts him. “Shh! Spruce won’t tell! Anyways, I
have a friend, Y/N! They are also Connor’s friend, and Jared’s!”
“Oh, I like where this is going. Go on, Evan, please inform
Spruce.” Jared urges, a wide grin began to form.
“Evan, shut the fuck up.” Connor said as his eyes began to
“Spruce, this is top secret okay? Do not tell anyone!” Evan whispered, a sly smile
began to form.
You nodded. “I, Spruce, will not tell anyone this ‘secret’”.
By this time, Connor was beginning to suspect what Evan was
going to say. You, however, had no idea what Evan was going to say. You were
hoping that maybe you would be able to get some dirt on Jared or Connor, and be
able to blackmail them later. Hell, you’ll take anything as long as you can
blackmail one of them.
Evan slowly leans in closer to where you are, and Connor
just watches, hoping that Evan is smart enough to not say shit.
“Look… My friend, Connor, really likes Y/N! But, you can’t tell them! Connor will be an angry
bean pole.” Evan laughed at the end of his sentence, and looked over at Connor.
“Evan. What the fuck.”
Connor hissed, nervously glancing between you and Evan.
Evan just smiled. “Spruce won’t tell Y/N!”
“Spruce won’t have to tell Y/N, Evan. You did the deed for
them.” Jared said between laughs.
You looked over at Connor, and he didn’t meet your gaze.
Instead, he opted to turning nearly his entire body away from you. His hair was
pushed in front of his face, and he made damn sure that Evan could see him
Evan sits there, confused about the situation, but Jared
distracted him. Which left you ‘alone’ with Connor.
You couldn’t help yourself, you just began to laugh. You
tried to hide it, but it just wanted to fall from your lips. The moment he
heard this, Connor tensed up.
He thought you were laughing at him, and how could he possibly think that he has a
chance with you?
The moment your laughter died down, you gently brushed some
of Connor’s away from his face, causing him to flinch. His entire face was
burning, including the tip of his ears. He looked utterly adorable.
“What?” He hisses,
a bit harsher than he meant to.
You smile falters slightly, but instead of saying anything,
you gently press a kiss to his cheek.
“You are super cute, y’know that?” You murmur nonchalantly.
This completely caught Connor off guard. “Wh-what the hell
are you talking about.”
“And you’re stuttering? Who are you, and what have you done
with Connor Murphy? Is this Connor Murphy going to ask me out or do I have to
ask him out?”
At this point, he is just staring at you, a very small smile
gently tugging at his lips. Connor gently cups your cheek, hand shaking. He has
never done anything like this before. What the hell is he even doing?
You just smiled and tapped Connor’s nose. “We can go hang
out at McDonald’s or something tomorrow, yeah?”
Connor nodded slightly, and gently pressed a kiss to your
lips. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”