I go through my archives from time to time and within the past year I look back and my first thought is: wow I was so much skinnier. That’s just my natural reaction to photos I’ve posted.
Then I start to read what I’ve wrote and remember how I was feeling at that time of my life.
This time last year was I a lot smaller? Yes but I was also, mentally, a mess. Going from paleo challenge to paleo challenge, feeling like I was lost and failing doing things other than CrossFit, adjusting to a new life in a new place with Kevin.
Overall though, I was struggling to maintain this image. This one of being fit and small and this success. When really I was hurting myself more than anything.
I’ve been learning this the past year but I’ll say it again: Being smaller does not make me happier. It does not magically make life better. It does not make me more loveable. It just makes me…a smaller size. That was it.
I’ve gained weight back and clothes don’t fit like they did a year ago but I’ve also gained some peace I was grasping for this time last year.
I work out for fun. Zumba is fun and good for me. I try to stay active because overall it benefits my health and I want to live longer (with the help of things I can control) to be around people I love and to build a family.
I eat food because I want to and it tastes good. I don’t eat things because they fit a certain diet. I’m eating all types of things from veggies to fudge bars and I’m not forcing myself to feel guilty one way or the other. I’ve been tracking my foods lately because to reiterate what Sarah said it is possible to abuse freedom in both ways.
I in no way have it together all the time. Some days I think WAY too much about what I eat or I try to make myself workout but I’m trying really hard to just be kind to myself. To realize that being healthy is important but life isn’t about how I look on the outside.
I think if the Tori a year ago was able to see where I am now, she would be just as proud and it would have nothing to do with what food I was eating, how I was working out, or the size of my clothing.
Allowing myself to be happy is not always the easiest thing but dang if I’m not trying really hard to make that happen.
*this photo is me a couple a months ago– but it’s the size I am now. I’m strong, squishy in some areas, curvy and all me!! *