law of cycles

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“Magical Girls must continue to fight. That’s the reason why she willingly gave up her own life to bring us salvation”
God is Tot!

2. Filling the Tyra Void

The question we kept asking ourselves coming into this cycle was, “What does a post-Tyra Banks Top Model look like?”

It’s probably too soon to say anything conclusively, but man was it jarring the way we were introduced to the model house. Where were the Tyra photographs, Tyra curtains, and Tyra catchphrases slathered on the walls? We didn’t even get a proper tour (i.e. girls running around screaming about how great their pad is) of the place!

Is this a conscious effort to be less tacky, or did they hire the new panel so last minute that they didn’t get a chance to make pillows with Rita’s face on them? It just doesn’t feel like home without narcissistic decor.

Also, there’s no more TyraMail. Now the message from the host is known as a “RitAlert,” which is a probably a better name than my suggestion: Ora-spondence. Despite what the name would indicate, there’s nothing urgent about a low-quality, low-energy video selfie filmed from a cellphone. I wonder if the models’ literacy skills are so questionable that they had to ditch having the girls take turns reading text off a screen.

While there are some minor format differences, thus far I’m pleasantly surprised at the subtle Tyra touches Rita possesses. We discussed last week how when Rita heard a sob story, she had to one-up it with one of her own. Apparently, interrupting other people’s back stories with personal details from her own life is a pattern for Tyra Rita.

For example, at panel, Rita asks if Cody grew up living in the shadow of her twin, Tash. Cody cries and nods affirmatively. Rita boasts that she could read the twins’ body language to determine that proclamation, even though you can totally see her reading off some producers’ notes on the table. I appreciate that she’s trying to stunt like she’s Miss Cleo or something.

I’d be interested in hearing how Cody got relegated to beta twin, but we don’t have time for that story because Rita wants to inform everyone that she grew up in the shadow of her older sister, too. At the risk of pulling a Miss Cleo myself, I’d guess that’s why Rita is such an attention whore as an adult. (An attention whore who I like so far, mind you, but an attention whore nonetheless.)

The best part of this scene is that Law wants to cap off the discussion with an emotional moment by asking Tash to hug her sister. Tash doesn’t budge initially so he commands her a second time to give the hug. The judges talk about how beautiful the hug is despite that they literally forced them to do it.

“Cody, this is the time for you,” Rita says. Not long after, she awards Cody “best photo” to complete the storyline even though - REAL TALK - Tash has a much better photo. But it’s not about who actually has the better photo, it’s about Rita sticking it to her bitch older sister who hogged too much of their parents’ love.

In addition to injecting herself into the winner’s story, Rita manages to make the loser’s story about her, too. Like many a Top Model girl, Justine said she had a difficult childhood, which is evident from these family photos of her family strangling each other and making Justine wear a basket on her head.

Rita can’t get over how young 18-year-old Justine is. (That’s another difference between Rita and Tyra. Rita acts like 18 is a distant memory to her despite being in her mid-20s while Tyra would imply that 18 was, like, yesterday.) Though it’s barely relevant, Rita says:

Such humble beginnings! Can you believe THEE Rita Ora ever had to work at a mall? (Yes.) When Rita eliminates Justine a little later, Justine is so overcome with crying hysteria that she drops to the ground. Rita comforts Justine by once again talking about herself.

Yeah, we heard you the first time. The point Rita is trying to make is that Justine is so young, she still has time to improve her modeling skills. Whatever. Real models get their starts much younger than eighteen; Justine is already behind the curve!

Let’s not even talk about how a bunch of the girls on this cycle are older than Rita. What hope do they have starting a modeling career now?

That’s why telling 27-year-old Cody that this is her time is pretty disingenuous if she thinks a modeling career awaits her. Selling sneakers is respectable, Rita. Selling bogus dreams borders on cruel.  

4 Funniest Moments from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 2

Getting caught cycling whilst under the influence of alcohol (blood alcohol level of 1.6 per mille or more) has serious implications in Germany. Not only can German authorities confiscate your driving license, they may also order an MPA (medical-psychological assessment). If you fail to pass the MPA, the authorities will automatically revoke your license. And good luck trying to get it back – it can take years (of therapy) before you pass the annual MPAs.

3. Bintarella

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young woman named Bintarella forced to live in a home with nine wicked stepsisters.

Bintarella was a kind, gentle soul, but her stepsisters were mean to her because they were jealous of how much prettier she was in photographs.

One night, a neighboring castle invited every eligible woman in the kingdom to attend a Paper Magazine Ball to find Prince Charming a wife.

The girls were allowed to attend the ball, so long as they cleaned their house first. Bintarella was put in charge of mopping.

She took her job seriously because it’s not like she had a pair of glass slippers that she could wear to avoid walking on the filthy floors.  

Meanwhile, the wicked stepsisters pretended they were going to help clean up the house, but quickly got distracted and left some animated mice and birds to pick up the slack.

Bintarella was not impressed, but she continued her work without any complaints.

Like, seriously, she wasn’t passive aggressive about it or anything.

She wasn’t straight-up aggressive about it either, which is why she’s this story’s heroine.

Bintarella just kept her head down and tried to get her work done so she could later join her wicked stepsisters at the ball.

Just when Bintarella thought it was safe to get dressed for a night out, hairs were discovered in the bathroom!

Somehow, Bintarella was blamed for these hairs, even though her jealous stepsisters had previously shaved off her golden locks in an effort to make her less beautiful.  

Bintarella’s wickedest stepsister, Tatiana, also got on Bintarella’s case for getting “wetness” all over the bathroom.

That’s wasn’t just water escaping from the shower, though, that wetness came from Bintarella’s tears. Tears she regularly shed after being treated so poorly.

Nevertheless, Bintarella thanklessly finishes all of the girls’ chores and now she can finally attend the ball!

But then Wickedest Stepsister Tatiana threatens violence against Bintarella if she tries to leave the house. It turns out it was never about getting the chores done, it was always about keeping fair Bintarella away from Prince Charming because she is too much competition.

Bintarella summons her Fairy GodRoach in the hopes that she’ll cast a spell to get her to the ball, but instead, Fairy GodRoach says:

Bippity-boppity-BURN! Dejected, Bintarella goes to bed, missing out on the Paper Magazine Ball, which includes a lot of exciting head rubbing and same-sex pecks on the lip.

Poor Bintarella. Someday her prince will come to rescue her from this life of servitude!

5 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 6

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2. Rita Wants a Recount

Rita, Rita, Rita… one minute she’s chastising Courtney for causing too much drama, the next she’s intentionally creating drama herself by pausing the call-out ceremony.

You’d think that Rita would just want to hurry up and finishing taping so that she can get to that flamenco dance class she’s clearly dressed for, but no, Rita decides to hem and haw about the decision well after the period

I’m not quite sure what Rita was going for in this moment. Did she think she could pull rank as the host and get the other judges to change their votes? Even Tyra has claimed she was outvoted on the Toccara and Mikaela boots. (Though it seems fair to point out that judges Janice Dickinson, Nolé Marin, and André Leon Talley mysteriously exited the show within a year after these disagreements. DO NOT CROSS TYRA.)

Rita likes Giah’s personality - as I think we all do, I might add - and doesn’t want to give up on her yet. She would prefer to eliminate Krislian because keeping someone who coasts on her sex appeal rather than talent is a direct competition to Rita’s own brand “isn’t fair.” 

The best part is that other judges barely even humor Rita. If Rita was hoping to create a memorable reality tv moment, the judges aren’t willing to give her any assistance. Instead, they calmly tell Rita, “No.” With a wave of her hand, Ashley reminds her that “majority rules” and Rita is put in her place. Literally put her in her place as she returns to her mark.

That, my friends, is why Ashley should be the host of this franchise. Not just because she’s the actual model, but because she’s the actual boss! And this is the  Boss Cycle, as I’m sure you’ve heard the show mention 5,000 times.

Now seems like as good a time as any to answer a question a lot of you have been asking in my inbox: How do I feel about the judges?

For the most part, I like them actually. Drew’s great. Ashley’s great. Law… I could give or take Law, but he’s not irritating me completely yet, so, sure, he’s fine.

As for Rita, I think she’s doing a good job and definitely exceeding my expectations. Kudos to her for trying to make things interesting in what would otherwise be an uneventful elimination. I’m not sure if Rita second guesses herself a lot, but she did date Rob Kardashian, so I’m going to bet this sort of delayed panic is a common occurrence in her life.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to abruptly end this post by half-heartedly slapping Courtney’s eyebrows on Rita’s face and calling her “Frita Kahlo,” and then head off to Vegas for the weekend. I hear it’s just like traveling abroad!

5 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 5

I need more blogs to follow

so, since I clearned my dash up, I ask ya’ll to reblog this post if you post some of the following content (even if I already follow you, it would be very nice if you could help me get more blogs tho):

Tv shows

  • American Horror Story
  • Bones
  • Castle
  • Criminal Minds
  • DC’s legends of tomorrow
  • Doctor Who
  • Elementary
  • Girl Meets World
  • Gotham
  • House MD
  • Law & Order: SVU
  • Scream Queens
  • Sherlock
  • Stranger Things
  • Supergirl
  • The Big Bang Theory
  • The Middle

Other

  • Books in general 
  • DC comics
  • Greek Mythology
  • Harry Potter
  • Little Mix
  • MCU
  • Mcfly
  • Owl City
  • Percy Jackson
  • Selena Gomez
  • Taylor Swift
  • The Raven Cycle

Thank you very much!

5. Meet the New Judges

And we’re back! The show’s reboot includes a new panel of judges, who come not by land, not by sea, but by air!

Actually, there’s just one helicopter. Giah is either super drunk or she doesn’t understand how plurals work. Either way I reckon that makes her a good reality show participant.

Anyway, the helicopter lands and, after a dramatic pause, out pops our new host: Rita Ora.

The models cheer wildly because what aspiring model wouldn’t want to learn the tricks of the trade from a woman whose main credentials include dating Calvin Harris before T Swift, having a 90-second role in the 50 Shades of Grey film, and fucking that one Kardashian who got ostracized after getting fat.

Despite not understanding why she was chosen, I rather liked Rita in the premiere. She’s pretty, she’s charismatic, and even if her name-recognition is inexplicable, at least she has that going for her, which is more than most of the winners of Top Model can say. Maybe she really does have the savvy to help these contestants make a meaningful splash post-show.  

Next out of the helicopter is bombshell Ashley Graham, who, if we’re being honest, should probably just be the host given her success in the modeling industry. Rita says that she’s invited plus-sized Ashley to join her in order to give the models confidence.

Yeah, one problem with that, though - this cycle doesn’t have any curvy models competing. So while it’s nice that the show says it wants to demonstrate that beauty comes in many sizes, it’d make a better case for that if they actually cast girls with fuller figures. Why couldn’t we have even one model whose BMI score is greater than her age?

After Ashley comes Drew Elliott who is said to be some kind of “creative” genius, yet this bronzed and platinum-dyed sprite seems pretty derivative of Jay Manuel’s appearance if you ask me. Rita claims that she’s really close friends with Drew, but he seems less committal:

Hmm, what do you think about that, Jade?

Originally posted by treatpetite

Okay, well then, looks like you’re in the right place, Drew!

Finally, we meet our last judge, Law Roach. The models cheer like crazy, but I figure the editors have got to be replaying some of the claps for Ashley, because there’s no way they know who Law is. And if they do know Law is, that’s even less incentive for them to get excited.

Evidently, Law is a celebrity stylist who’s been responsible for these crimes against Celine Dion:

After Cycle 22 gave us our first deaf winner, it only seems appropriate for the show to hire its first blind judge/stylist.

Rita narrates that Law brings “realness” and promises that he’ll burn the model’s clothes if they aren’t cute. I guess that’s why his own questionable outfit has so many holes in it?

Look, it’s too soon to give these new judges a thumbs-up or down, but so far so good, I suppose. At the very least, they aren’t Yu Tsai or Kelly Cutrone, so they’ve got that going for them.

5 Funniest Moments from ANTM Cycle 23 Episode 1