Summary: In dark times, Bucky finds himself lonely and having just the newbie avenger to help him get through a breakdown.
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts (Bucky has depression so it wouldn’t surprise me if he had those from time to time, still breaks my heart).
A/N: This is based on the Italian song La Solitudine by Laura Pausini, even though I like Renato Russo’s version way more, this is really sad, even though it’s short, I really cried while writing it.
I had just told Steve I’d be fine by myself in the tower as they went to another mission, he didn’t want to leave me alone but I insisted. Now I hate that I did that.
I had just gotten up from a nap, breathless and panting. Memories of the winter soldier times came into my head like gun fires. I ran to the kitchen to find the meds Bruce made for me, he said it’d help if I had those moments. Before I could reach them though, I started to get flashbacks from all the deaths I was responsible for. I fall on my knees and take my head in my hands, shaking it from side to side trying to make it stop. I couldn’t hear a thing or see a thing, my biggest fear was turning into the soldiers’ mode and doing something I’d regret later.
Out of nowhere, I feel something being put in my mouth and water too right after. As my vision comes back, I can see Y/N standing in front of me, kneeled down and with my meds cartoon in one hand while the other gave me the water.
Y/N was new on the team, her powers were sorcery, similar to Wanda, but I thought she was cooler, I never told her that though. I actually never spoke properly to her. No more than “good mornings”, “hi’s” and “good mission”. I was scared for her. I noticed her attempts to come closer to me and shut off, I don’t want to be anyone else’s burden. She was so pure and cared so much to everyone in the team.
“Shh, you okay now, it’s alright” As my hearing came back soon enough I heard she say. How can someone be so kind and caring for someone like me?
“W-why you here? I t-thought you had a mission” I ask when my breath gets steady again.
“The team had a mission, I stayed behind, and I thank God for that, otherwise I’d be worrying if I knew you were like that” She takes some hair off of my face and look down.
“I thought I was alone” I mumble.
“You’re never alone, James” She helps me get up and motion for me to sit in a chair “Wanna talk about it?”.
“Not really” I shook my head and wait for her to say something, if Steve was here he’d convince me to talk, I thought she’d do the same.
“Okay, I’m gonna make you some tea with honey” She gives a little jump and goes to make me the drink.
How come I had the luck of having such a nice treatment from someone like her when I did so much terrible things? Steve should have killed me when he had the chances, and oh boy, he had so many of them, I couldn’t understand why he insisted on helping me this much, I only brought everyone problem. When Tony forgave me, he had such a messy argue with the government, I still don’t know how he managed to convince them to not lock me up, or taking me to some state with death sentence, but he did it.
While deep in all these thoughts, I hadn’t noticed that Y/N had already finished my tea, she stared at me for a while as I was emerged in those terrible self loathing thoughts. She slowly comes closer, setting the mug in table and reaching for my hand, I only notice her when I feel her touch. Her soft small hands against my rough bloody marked ones, I wasn’t worthy of that. I pull my hand back as if her hand were fire and I could get a glimpse of hurt in her eyes. Instead, she gives me a tight smile and hands me the mug.
“Drink, it’ll make it better” She says still watching me.
The tea was really good, the hot liquid going down my throat relieved me, showing me that this was reality, I was at the Avengers compound, 2017, with Y/N’s company. I drank it all and thanked her right after finishing, she takes my mug and put it in the sink.
“Come with me, I want to show you something” She says taking my metal hand and I tense up, before I could react though, she was leading me through halls and straight to an elevator.
When we get in she presses the bottom to the roof. She hadn’t left my hand yet, with some of Tony’s improvements, I could feel with my metal arm, and when I felt her thumb unconsciously moving from side to side in a slow pace, in a comfortable caress I couldn’t help but blush.
The doors soon open up and we’re in front of Stark’s green house, Y/N types a code in a holographic board and the glass doors open. She enters and invite me, letting go of my hand and walking inside, adventuring herself between the plants and flowers. I have never been here, not that Tony has forbidden me or something. I guess I just never noticed this place magnificent.
“Even though Tony takes care of all of them, he says this place is mine, so from time to time I come here when I’m not having a good day” She says leading me “You can come here too if you want”.
“This is your place” I shook my head.
“It gets quite lonely after sometime, I don’t like that feeling”.
“Being alone?” I ask and she nods “Y/N, you do realize everybody in the team loves you, right?”.
“I could tell you the same thing”.
“No, you couldn’t” When I say that she takes a deep breath and look down.
“Sometimes, even when you’re surrounded by thousands of people, you can still feel lonely” She explains, beginning to walk around again and I follow her.
“Why are you showing me here?” I ask after some minutes of silence.
“I want your scars to stop showing up” She states and I frown “I mean your past and the physical ones” She takes my flesh arm on her hands “Bucky… You haven’t gone to any mission with the team since I came, and still there’s always new scars on your right arm” She had tears in her eyes and I could see her fighting to contain them.
“I-I… I don’t…” I didn’t know what to say, she was the only one that noticed that, noticed the signs of my thoughts, my scars, she noticed I wasn’t alright like I’m used to anyone that I was.
“Bucky, please” She gulps and take another deep breath “I know what’s been through your mind and it pains me so much, that you think like that, the worsts are the ones when you think you should ‘end’ all of this by yourself, you don’t know how relieved I get when you think about this but I see you the next day” By now, I was already crying and she was still containing her tears “You shouldn’t have to think about that, you have really no idea at all of what we’d been through if you’re gone, and I’m not talking just about Steve… You know, even though Sam pulls your leg a lot, he considers you one of his closest friends after Steve, Tony thinks about you from time to time too you know? Although he’ll never admit it, if we go to any Hydra base in a mission and some agent mentions you, he’s the first one to kick him out, only because he’s faster than Steve though” I chuckle and she smiles, a few tears finally rolling down her cheeks “And I… I don’t know what I’d do without you, because even if we never talked properly, you found a way to captivate me, I’m not trying to fix you or anything, because you don’t have to, you’re perfect, James Buchanan Barnes, and you’re so, but so, worthy of being alive” She places her hand on my cheek, caressing there while I looked at her with pure adoration “You’re really a soldier, because you made it to now, you make us all proud and we wouldn’t have any other way, do you hear me?” I nod and she smiles, whipping away my tears.
“Thank you ,Y/N… I really needed to hear all that” He answer and she chuckles this time.
“I planned to say so much more… I was planning to give you this on your birthday, I spelled it, so anytime you fell like having some bad thoughts, you won’t have it” She puts dog tags around my neck and I look better had it, it had my name and all my identity.
“It’s just like the one I had in the army”.
“Tony helped me track it down, I was so happy when we found it in so good condition”.
“Why would you give me this?”.
“To remind you of all the goodness you have in you, you don’t have to turn back or make it up for your past, you’re a new person now and-”.
I shut her up with a kiss. She responds to it right away, my hands stay still in her waist, while hers trailed up and down my arms. We’d pull away only for regain our breaths, and right after attaching our lips to each other. The kisses were sweet and loud, the sound of my lips when they left hers made me smile every time we pulled apart. Y/N was everything I wanted and just now realized needed, kindness, beauty, caring and peacefulness. I never thought I’d get that, but she was right in front of me all this time.
She giggles when we finally stop and I smile down at her.
“Wanna watch a movie with me?” She asks shyly, I take one of her hands on mine and place a chaste kiss on its back.
When the team got back from the mission, they found Y/N and Bucky on his bedroom. Bucky with his back on the headboard, Y/N on his lap while they shared kisses. They were so into each other that didn’t notice the team at the door. Bucky’s flesh hand trailed up and down her back while the metal one was still on her waist, Y/N’s hands disappeared through his long hair she craved to touch so much. Now, they were each others and nothing would get between their happiness.