laughter and shit

“I swear upon my birth name. That I am your friend. No matter what might come out, no matter what I was. If you would do me the honour, allow me to be a true friend, always.”

A toast to Lapp! The only character in all of Dark Souls whose story had a happy ending. :)

Bottoms up!

Our friend was possessed by a fire demon,

Dm: Ok, it’s your turn [Me]. Your friend is on fire, if you touch him you’ll be burnt. You have no gear and only loincloths, what do you do?

Me: Alright…I take out my penis.

*entire party erupts into laughter*

Me: No, no, no, hear me out. I take out my penis, and I pee on him to put out the fire.
Guy On Fire: Don’t, please.

I do, it only works somewhat, and the next turn, our ranger balls up some snow, which I had forgotten was all around us, and puts out some of the fire.

*more group laughter*

Me: My thought process was “Source of water, source of water— my penis???”

*laughter continues*

We’re a group of level 2s going into a cave to fight a dragon, who turns out to be a red wyrmling. I’m a High Elf Gunslinger and we also have a Goliath Barbarian, a Fire Genasi Mystic, and an Aarakocra Wizard. We roll for initiative, and the four of us all get to go before the wyrmling does. (I’ve condensed down our calculations and process of rolling.)

Gunslinger: I put my Sniper’s Mark on him, so I have advantage on my roll to hit. I fire at him with my rifle, and I use Sharpshooter, so I do +10 damage if I hit. (successfully hits, rolls damage) 1d10, plus 10, plus my Dex bonus… 25 damage!

Barbarian: My character has a bad history with dragons, so he just takes a shot with his bow… (hits) 7 damage.

Mystic: I use Animate Weapon on my spear, and I’m going to use 3 psi points on it. (hits) 1d6 for the spear, plus my spell attack bonus, plus 1d10 per psi point… 32 damage!

Wizard: I’m going to cast Witch Bolt, at second level. (rolls nat 20) Yes! That’s a crit, because it was second level, I roll 2d12, and I roll them twice because it’s a crit… 27 damage! And since it’s its turn next, I get to roll again for more damage since I’m still connected…

DM: (exasperated) Dude, it’s dead.

Pause before the players all erupt into laughter.

A Half God with Daddy Issues

Some backstory: It was a homebrew campaign. We got finished fighting a Dragonborn who killed our half deity friend, Tristan. He was brought back to life by an NPC Priest, Kailee, later that night our half God visits her and…we didn’t expect what would happen next.

Tristan: “I need your help..”

Kailee: “Sure, what do you need?”

Tristan: “You brought me back from death once, right?”

Kailee: “Um…yes? Why do you need?”

Tristan OOC: I pull out my skinning knife. And hesitantly stab myself through the temple. 

Tristan: “I have to talk with my dad.”

DM: -Silence- 

DM, now Tristan’s Father: Hello My Son.

Tristan OOC: I punch him.

Our Party Erupted into laughter.