laughter and shit

“I swear upon my birth name. That I am your friend. No matter what might come out, no matter what I was. If you would do me the honour, allow me to be a true friend, always.”

A toast to Lapp! The only character in all of Dark Souls whose story had a happy ending. :)

Bottoms up!

Our party has arrived back in town in need of funds and unsure what our next step should be. We decide head to the Orion Guild, where we can earn some gold and hopefully get a clue as to where we should go next.

DM: As you enter, you see Guildmaster Cid in his usual spot on the counter. It’s early enough in the day that most of the tables are empty… [and so on]

Me: [Fighter] checks the board for bounties.

The DM puts down a small handful of papers in front of us–the bounties that we’re eligible to take at our current ranks in the guild. One bounty reads:

ROAD BLOCKED!

A Crash of Rhinoceros has taken up station NE of Neverwinter on the main trade road, charging those who try to pass. They need to be removed, by force if necessary.

Sister: This one shouldn’t take too long, it’s just on the road.

Me: And [Druid] will probably like it.

My sister looks confused, which I don’t understand since her druid’s been taking every opportunity to seek out new animals to wildshape.

Sister: What’s [Druid] got to do with bandits?

Me: What bandits?

Sister: The crash of rhinoceros?

Me: Oh, I think he meant crash as in group. Like, actual rhinos.

DM: Yep.

Sister: …But then how are they collecting the tolls?

There’s a moment of silence. I actually lean over to look at the bounty again, since I didn’t remember reading the word “tolls” anywhere. Then he speaks slowly:

DM: …what tolls?

She looks at us like we’re nuts.

Sister: The ones they’re charging people on the road…?

And then she gets it. Her whole face changes.

Sister: Oh. You mean the rhinos are actually charging people.

We had to break for a few minutes until we got the laughter under control.

Context: I’m an Immolator in a DW campaign, out Cleric REALLY likes preaching Deia to people who don’t wanna hear it.

Me: Can I pick up the Cleric and drag him out of this

GM: Over the shoulder?

Me: *nodding*

GM: Roll + Strength

Me: *head in hands* I rolled a 2

GM: *Dying of laughter* You both fall back on the ground, you accidentally body slammed your Cleric.

Druid: Can I use my wind to pick them up?

GM: *nodding dying of laughter*

Me and Cleric: *staring into the invisible Office camera, ready to accept death*

Druid: *Rolls a 2*

Me and Cleric: *Screaming and laughing*

GM: *Laughing even harder* You- You, Y- *starts crying from laughter* The Immolator and Cleric are fine *Laughing even harder* y-you launch yourself back into a tree

Entire party: *Dying of laughter*

I am entirely unsurprised that’s how it went. As I’ve said since the spoilers came out, I fully expected it to be way more than a pass at her and sadly, I was correct.

Oddly, I thought a lot of that was entirely in character for Rob of the past. It was 100% in character and it didn’t feel like I was watching a different character but one from long ago and, in some ways, I can understand that because Aaron has changed Rob, Aaron is Rob’s life line, Aaron gives him hope and family and love and as he said, he fell in love but he feels abandoned and lost and doesn’t recognise this husband and he gave up… so who comes out? Old Rob, the same Rob who sleeps with people because he can, who gets what he wants because he can take it and it passes the time and makes him feel powerful. It’s who he was. So, to me, that was entirely in character.

Hideous to watch but I wasn’t surprised.

I think I’m more disappointed than anything. I’d prepared myself entirely for Rob to sleep with her. I was so sure it would happen. My gut feeling was always that he’d sleep with her or that it would go further. I mean, I guess we don’t know if they do sleep together but what we do know is enough to know that it’s something much more. The history there made it more.

What’s disappointing most for me is the way this really discredits the bisexuality rep the show has done such good work to lay out. That’s where my anger comes from. To have Rob assert more than once that just because he’s bisexual doesn’t mean he’ll cheat then have him say he likes a lot of people and then cheat is unforgivably lazy writing and very disappointing. That is the sole source of my anger.

They’re both breaking vows. Aaron is entirely unrecognisable. He didn’t seem to bat an eye about Liv at all, he was spaced out, dismissive and almost hollow. Rob reverted entirely back to 2015 Rob, the one who goes after stuff because he can and screw the consequences. As much as I don’t like what’s happened to Aaron, I get it and as much as I don’t like what’s happened to Rob, it doesn’t feel like it’s entirely out of his character to do this.

It’s just not the Rob we know now. He changed entirely. His face, his body language, his cynicism, his words… that was the Rob he has suppressed and beaten down for a better life rearing its head. All of this I understand but it really is lazy, crass, quite cruel writing and story telling to go down this route especially to have it be Rebecca and in the Mill. It’s exceptionally gross. If this was well beyond the wedding then fine, but the timing and the need for this is flabbergasting me. I guess I don’t really understand. There’s nothing to come from the addition of cheating to the storyline except for crushing Aaron but do we need more of that?

I told you I felt apathetic and I still do. There’s a little anger there but I don’t feel much if I’m honest but I see so many heartbroken people and the main thing I want to do is send virtual hugs to you. Be kind to each other, my loves. As always, I’m focusing on the stuff that makes me happy about my show.

Hey do you ever think about the possibility of Kaidan just. Overhearing snippets of things in me2?

Like say Shepard is at a bar with Jack or Zaeed while the Normandy is at the citadel for a supply run. Kaidan also happens to be on the citadel to report in and has a few hours to himself, so he goes to the bar. And walks in right as Shepard and companion are discussing their close calls. But he doesn’t notice where they are- right at the bar behind him- until Shepard starts ranting like “and as if Horizon wasn’t enough(Kaidan spits out his drink at the sudden realization of who’s right behind him) THEN there was all that shit on the COLLECTOR SHIP and BEING AMBUSHED and how it JUST SO HAPPENS that THAT was the ship that ACTUALLY KILLED ME blah blah blah” and he just. Sits there like “what the fuck what they fuck oh my god what thefuck shePARD WHAT THE FUCK” until they leave

Or maybe he’s investigating some shit on Omega and Shep and Garrus and Tali walk by like "okay so you’re sure we have everything” “well I can’t think of anything we’re missing” “I hope you’re right bc it would suck if we went through the omega 4 relay and THEN realized that we’re missing heat clips or some shit” “haha yeah that would suck” and poor Kaidan is just shrieking on the inside because DID THEY JUST SAY THE OMEGA 4 RELAY. THE OMEG- OH MY GOD THEY’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE

Shepard walks right past him without noticing and he thinks they’re being petty until he sees Garrus chasing Shepard down like “shepard, SHEPARD, what are you DOING, you haven’t slept in a week and a half, this isn’t(hi Kaidan) the time to hunt down gang bosses shePARD WAIT” and they just. Keep stomping towards their goal. And Kaidan’s like “oh god dammit they’re not sleeping. Fuck. Fuck”

Or they’re in the same weapons shop and the little person goes up to Shepard like “you were just in here a month ago your gun shouldn’t be that severely damaged” and Kaidan’s like “what” and Shepard pulls out this melted and dented mess of a gun and just says “Tuchanka” And Kaidan has to duck out because he’s choking on laughter

Just random snippets of shit. Some of it is funny, some of it is horrifying and some of it is just…sad. it’s such a tropey idea but I can’t stop thinking about it

Seduction Assist

Context; Same session as “Intimidation is key to Seduction”. This is an Overwatch-based session, and we have just met Zarya - a Goliath woman - who challenged us all to a spar. Now, my half-elf Ranger is a huge Lesbian Disaster™ and decides she wants to seduce the woman that could crush her with two fingers. Our Halfling Rogue, Halfling Cleric, and our Air Mephit Bard decide to help doing so.

Robin: (Rogue) I cover her eyes by jumping up her back!

Fenley: (Cleric) And I sweep her off her feet.

DM: Alright, Robin roll me Dexterity, and Fen roll me Athetics. (Robin rolled a 17, and Fenley a 15. Zarya failed her dex saving throw) Alright, she is toppling over and falling. You gonna go catch her, Adrie?

Adrie: (Me) Oh, definitely. I have a -2 on strength though, the only way this is gonna work is if I Nat20 it. [proceeds to roll a Nat20] Oh.

Windy: (Bard) [barely stifled laughter while the rest of the group hollers]

DM: [laughing] Alright, you just catch her in your big womanly arms, and she lands right in your lap. What now?

Me: (OOC) Honestly, I didn’t think I’d get this far. Help me out y'all. Help the twig hook up with the mountain of a woman.

Windy: Hm.. Oh! Pretend you’re hurt and that you have to go see Mercy.

Me: How– Oh, I get it. Perfect.

(Shenanigans happen, and Robin and Fenley have to roll persuasion rolls that I am simply too hurt to be treated by the - very capable - Cleric)

DM: Adrie, I’m gonna need you to roll me either a Deception or a Performance check to convince her.

Me: (OOC) Oh man.. I’m horrible at both! Well, here goes nothing. [rolls a Nat20 in Performance] Oh my god. The dice are with me!!

At that point, the entire party began laughing and hollering again.

DM: Alright, I think we can leave it at this point for this week. Since you’re all going out to drinks later in the session, maybe you can take her out to dinner then.

Me: [wheezing with laughter] Definitely.

BSD 51 actual convo
  • <p> <b><p></b> <b>Atsushi:</b> Akutagawa? You're Akutagawa right?<p/><b>Akutagawa:</b> Yeah<p/><b>Atsushi:</b> You're gonna fight together with me?<p/><b>Akutagawa:</b> Yeah<p/><b>Atsushi:</b> What was yesterday's dinner?<p/><b>Akutagawa:</b> Yeah<p/></p><p/></p>
heaven is a place on earth (m)

pairing: shin hoseok | reader
genre/warnings: crossroads demon au, romance, fluff, slight crack, smut; none.
word count: 10,669
description: “Hey there sweetheart, you called? How may I help you today?” Calling upon a crossroads demon might’ve been the best decision you’ve ever made in life. At least until it involves pizza.
a/n: this was too tempting to write… thank @jiminscreaming​ for convincing me to do it.

Originally posted by bunnywonho

Waiting for the pizza to arrive wanes on your patience, and much to your immense displeasure, you can’t help but pout on the floor, hoping that the damn pizza will arrive soon. Not that you would ever complain about Changkyun, but you were certainly considering it from the amount of time he’s been taking to arrive to your place. It isn’t even like he should get lost he’s actually been to your place to deliver pizzas more times than you’d ever admit.

But before you can dial the number to the pizza place just to ask about the status of your pizza, there’s a knock and doorbell at your door which you excitedly rise for and rush toward the door.

Unfortunately, the sight behind it is not Changkyun with your beloved pizza, but a silver and blue-haired demon that you can’t help but glower at despite the confusion you have at seeing him donning a red and white cap with the pizza logo on it or the fact that he’s holding a box of pizza in his hand.

“Wonho, what the hell? Where’s my pizza? If you do not quit your shit, I swear I will find a way to cut your tail off. I don’t even care if you don’t have one either. Grow one or some shit.” You growl the moment he appears in your doorway.

With that goddamn smirk curving on his lips, he replies, “Try it, sweetheart. I like it kinky.”

He’s a demon from your own personal hell, and this is literally speaking.

Keep reading

On raising a goblin...

My party’s Elven Gunslinger decided to pretty much adopt a goblin they took out of a cell (put there for cheating on card games by his fellow goblins) and now the party has taken him to the city and are trying to raise him in their culture. The goblin speaks broken Common and no one in the party speaks Goblin, so explanations can be a bit difficult at times.

1. (The party Human Cleric was talking about visiting his girlfriend.)

Goblin: Girlfriend? What that?

Party: *exchanges looks*

Cleric: Well, you deal with this one, I’m going to see Lacey (his girlfriend).

Cleric: *leaves*

Gunslinger: It’s when some people like each other very much and want to spend time together… They love each other. First they date and maybe they get married.

Goblin: Uh… What?

The Gunslinger tries to explain in various ways, but only succeeds in making the goblin more and more confused and giving the others a good laugh.

Half-Elven Ranger, trying a different approach: It’ll end up in them having babies.

Goblin: Oh! Baby! Man, woman, baby!

Dwarven Paladin: Of course, that is what he understands…

2. (The next day, the party goes to visit the Cleric’s girlfriend in the Temple of Pelor.)

Goblin: You… *points between Cleric and his girlfriend*

Cleric: Yes, this is Lacey.

Goblin: *pulls out one of the ancient Pelor pins he found a few days before and hands one to Lacey*

Lacey: Oh, thank you.

Party: *exchanging proud looks at his good behavior*

Goblin (pretty loud, in the middle of the temple): So… You and you (pointing at the lovebirds) make baby?

Cleric: *panics*

Party: *explodes into laughter*