Mmm. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my emotions and what they’ve become now that I’m so much more functional, because I learned recently that one of the medications I’ve been on for a while actually has increased anger as a common side effect…
It makes me wonder how much of my anger is natural or medicinal, but either way I laugh, because honestly? I LOVE my anger… hear me out here–
I spent as long as I can remember being isolated and sad, fragile, thinking VERY little of myself. Depression, suicidal ideation… my incredibly low self worth and intense vulnerability led me to some incredibly traumatic abusive relationships. But all that time I used to tell myself, it’s MUCH better to utterly hate myself and never hurt anyone, than it is to lash out and harm others.
See, anger issues run in my family and I grew up around them. I’m VERY acutely aware of anger and what it does to people, and how much harm it can cause. That’s why I was glad I was “spared”.
But I was so, so wrong. When I started treatment and some of my intense sadness and self loathing began to ebb away, I discovered something new–my anger. And discovering this anger? It might be one of the most freeing, motivating things I’ve ever felt.
You have no idea how liberating it is, after an entire lifetime spent thinking I was useless and feeling intense sadness, to have the ANGER, the RAGE to say NO, FUCK YOU. I AM WORTH /MORE/ AND DESERVE /BETTER/. To be agitated instead of listless, to have the awareness to experience real /fury/. I am so, so full of anger, and it feels so, so good to burn instead of /melt/. It’s this anger at the injustice I’ve done to myself that drives me to be a better person. To function better, be a better friend, a more motivated and ambitious person… instead of being sent into a cold, wet, pit of depression by hardships, they ANGER me, it ANGERS me to suffer.
That’s the big difference now. I know I’m not a bad person, I KNOW I’m working extremely hard to be better, and I KNOW when I’m dealing with /bullshit/. And I laugh when I see anger as a side effect of my meds because I know just. Genetically, I’ve always had this anger in me, and because of how I’ve suffered from anger, I’m ANGRY at that suffering and equipped to curtail and focus this rage into something positive… to promise myself to do whatever I can to never let it hurt anyone SO HELP ME GOD.
It’s just so thrilling to finally be able to feel angry… I love it. I still struggle with mental illness and a disability and executive functioning and other problems and I’m fighting so so hard to be better, and now I finally have that anger at the status quo to compel me forward…
This is pretty rambling but that’s what happens when it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep lmao