laughing all the way to my grave

anonymous asked:

concept: the vvitch AU where credence is the virgin pilgrim and graves the satan goat

i had to laugh at how this was phrased but in all seriousness-

Imagine Mary Lou having disagreements with the rest of their Puritan group, wanting more rigid interpretations and staking wild claims that result in her and her three adopted children moving into a tiny rundown home in the middle of the woods. (maybe other orphans are there under her care as well.) They make do with what they can. They pray and make any sacrifices necessary; for surely this is God’s will.

Credence is the eldest. He takes the brunt of the work when it comes to caring for their home and the rest of the children with stride and bites his lips till they bleed when his mother beats him for even the slightest of slip ups. She tells him how he was born full of sin and wickedness and that such cruel acts against him were the only way to save his soul. Though times are hard, he will not break. Not when he goes days without supper, not when they whisper about leaving him behind and not even when one of the children go missing and never return.

After catching something for supper one evening he stumbles across Modesty, his youngest sibling, talking animately to a goat. It is a tall and graceful creature with horns that stretch outward from the crown of his head dangerously. His eyes and fur darker than the sky at night. Credence is not sure he remembers the goat having been with them when they moved but he does not question it. He does, however, take a moment to chastise his sister. For surely she knows the creature cannot talk back and making such claims implies nothing short of witchcraft. 

Her chatting does not stop, however, and Credence grows in both annoyance (for he was only trying to protect her from their mother’s wrath) and curiosity (perhaps what she said held some truth). Modesty tells Credence that the goat is interested in talking to him and Credence refuses vehemently, using the excuse of sin and childishness, even though somewhere in his heart he yearns to try. It grows worse, however, as she sings songs of the goat and his wicked ways. She begins to explain how the goat is telling her Credence is dabbling in witchcraft - that he has unexplored potential and because he cannot control it, he is to blame for the one child’s disappearance.

It grows into an ugly weight within Credence until he cannot help but laugh bitterly to her face. “You’re right Modesty. I surely am a witch- pact with the devil and all! I let that orphan die in the woods and if you tell such a thing to Mother you will suffer the same fate.” It is a lie. All of it. And Credence knows how lying is a sin. And yet he cannot help but commit it if it will keep her mouth from spewing such declarations. 

And it works. She does not spill her rumors any longer. That is until his other sister, Chastity, goes missing. It is only for one night and yet everyone is required to go to bed without supper. Someone in the family must have committed an act against God for such a thing to occur. 

The following morning Credence finds Chastity at the edge of the woods - sickly and dying. She only lasts till the time they can place her in a bed. She dies proclaiming her love for God. Mary Lou wonders aloud at the cause for such tragedy, for surely they have all been people of the Lord? To which Modesty responds, with fear in her voice, that Credence had indulged in wickedness. She uses his lie as a confession. The claim erupts both fear and anger within Credence to the point where he can no longer think straight and yells back of how Modesty is surely conversing with the devil through their goat. They had sealed their fate together.

Enraged, Mary Lou places the blame on the both of them. Spewing hate over their wicked ways and giving them a beating before forcing them outside to sleep in the stables. The stable where the black goat stands proudly.

Credence speaks with him that night - unsure as to if it is a dream or reality. The goat asks to be called by his own title. Mr. Graves is what Credence uses now. The goat speaks of an alliance with the devil but says not to be afraid, all will be well if Credence only does what is asked of him.

Mr. Graves whispers to him the deepest of his own gluttonous, visceral, carnal desires. States that it can all be his if only he signs over his soul in exchange. Credence thinks of the countless beatings, of the family who does not care for him, and of the wickedness his mother claimed him to have been born with. He has nothing to lose. He is too far gone to ever dream of returning whole. He signs without looking back.

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

“Yes.”

Dresden Files, First Glance
  • Storm Front: I heard the mailman approach my office door, half an hour earlier than usual. He didn't sound right. His foot steps fell more heavily, jauntily, and he whistled. A new guy. He whistled his way to my office door, then fell silent for a moment. Then he laughed.
  • Fool Moon: I never used to keep track of the phases of the moon. So I didn't know what it was one night shy of being full when a young woman sat down across from me in McAnally's pub and asked me to tell her all about something that could get her killed.
  • Grave Peril: There are reasons I hate to drive fast. For one, the Blue Beetle, the mismatched Volkwagen bug that I putter around in, rattles and groans dangerously at anything above sixty miles an hour. For another, I don't get along so well with technology. Anything manufactured after about World War II seems to be susceptible to abrupt malfunction when I get close to it. As a rule, when I drive, I drive very carefully and sensibly.
  • Summer Knight: It rained toads the day the White Council came to town.
  • Death Masks: Somethings things just aren't meant to go together. Things like oil and water. Orange juice and toothpaste.
  • Wizards and television.
  • Blood Rites: The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault.
  • Dead Beat: On the whole, we're a murderous race.
  • Proven Guilty: Blood leaves no stain on a Warden's grey cloak.
  • White Night: Many things are not as they seem: The worst things in life never are.
  • Small Favor: Winter came early this year; it should of been a tip-off.
  • Turn Coat: The summer sun was busy broiling the asphalt from Chicago's streets, the agony in my head had kept me horizontal for half a day, and some idiot was pounding on my apartment door.
  • Changes: I answered the phone, and Susan Rodriguez said, "They've taken our daughter."
  • I sat there for a long five count, swallowed, and said, "Um. What?"
  • Ghost Story: Life is hard.
  • Dying's easy.
  • So many things must align in order to create life. It has to happen in a place that supports life, something approximately as rare as hen's teeth, from the perspective of the universe. Parents, in whatever form, have to come together for it to begin. From conception to birth, any number of hazards can end a life. And that's to say nothing of all the attention and energy required to care for a new life unitl it is old enough to look after itself.
  • Cold Days: Mab, the Queen of Air and Darkness, monarch of the Winter Court of the Sidhe, has unique ideas regarding physical therapy.
  • Skin Games: A good con doesn't just happen.
  • It's all about setup.
  • Let's rewind.
  • Peace Talks: My brother ruined a perfectly good run by saying, "Justine is pregnant."

Going into the anti Becho tag is so funny cuz it’s just Blarkes slitting over the possibility of another ship rising over theirs. They be out here getting carpal tunnel from writing how wrong and unhealthy Becho is like lmao y'all have lost your goddamn minds. Talking about another ship being toxic while yours has racist and misogynistic themes? Can’t relate. I’m gonna laugh my way to the grave when Bellamy eats Becho out and y'all can no longer self insert into the white girl to fulfill your heterosexual fantasies.

vine

this is hands down the funniest vine i have ever seen i will be laughing all the way to my grave

haurchefantgreystone  asked:

"There has been a mutiny, my sun." Haurchefant is laughing, however, despite his grave words. "Dragonhead set me home last night and refuse to have me back until tomorrow. They have said, and I quote, that now that we're not hiding we are to celebrate Valentione's properly. What say you? Could you spare a bell or two and could I perchance convince you to come home for the night later? I needn't pull you away all day."

Stephanivien’s look of nonplussed confusion gives way briefly to one of astonishment - Valentione’s! Can the day have come so soon? Why, it seems he forgets it every year, only to have it sneak up on him unawares. Some year he will make plans for it well in advance and surprise Haurchefant for it, he swears.

Again. As he does every year.

Now, however, he laughs with Haurchefant, casting a glance around the workshop. “I daresay there are those here who also foster mutinous thoughts along much the same lines, my heart,” he chuckles. There are nods here and there among his machinists, and grins: quite clearly, should he in any way protest Haurchefant’s suggestion, they are prepared to remove him from Skysteel themselves.

“A bell or two,” he allows, smiling as he winds his arms around his love’s neck and presses a brief, gentle kiss to his lips. “And perhaps more.”

Those rumors of D.O leaving EXO crack me up. Not because I think it’s ridiculous idea that he could leave the group, but for the fact that those rumors COULD be true. A golden child from golden group EXO-K, leaving? It’d be such a kick in the teeth all those people who spat on the other ex-members for leaving for their own benefits. I’d laugh all the way to my grave.