I want my wife to strip dance for me, but I kind of also want to throw bills at her while she’s doing it. Just to let her know she’s sexy enough to be a stripper and I rather blow my money on her than another women.
our album setlist predictions for the next Andy Black album:
-I Love My Beautiful Amazing Wife
-You’re a Sociopath
-I’m an Adult
-I’m an Adult 2: I’M A FUCKING ADULT
-We Don’t Have To Dance (the Remastered Version)
-I Love My Beautiful Amazing Wife (acoustic)
-Veganism ft. Juliet Simms
-I Love Scientology ft. Juliet Simms
-I Got 99 Hairstyles But 2010 Andy Sixx Ain’t One
-I Love My Beautiful Amazing Wife (the ballad)
-Just 3 Minutes Straight of Andy Laughing At His Own Jokes
-I Love My Beautiful Amazing Wife (club remix)
Your smile stops me in my tracks sometimes. I lose air in my lungs and just have to take a second, soak it all in. It could be a quiet moment, in the house…I’m turning a corner and there you are, looking up from whatever you were doing and flashing that smile at me. Or I’m running errands or on the job, and I feel the buzz in my pocket. You sent me two selfies and you’re making a silly kissy face in one and smiling adorably in the other and I melt because I love when you’re goofy, but those lips are also teasing me to come home faster. When I look over at you driving or sitting next to me, you’re looking straight ahead, but I see that grin bloom because you’ve realized I’m staring at you. That little chuckle that comes out before you say “I know you’re looking at me” melts me inside. That sleepy smile right before bed and soon after we wake up…the one that makes me feel invincible because you’re just so happy and safe and cozy because I’m the one next to you. If that’s not one of the best feelings in the world, then I don’t know what is.
We’re sitting, talking with this English woman last night. I won’t go through the whole horrible exchange, but it led to her asking me if I thought my wife was hotter than her 😳
Who the fuck even asks that??? Wife’s in shock, there’s a table of Americans next to us just staring at each other with “Did she just fucking say that?” looks, and she’s still all happy and cheery, utterly oblivious to how fucked up that question was.
So I say “Of course! She’s more beautiful than any woman in the world.” And then she fucking says “Name one way she’s hotter than me.” My wife’s looking ready to punch her, the table next to us is looking ready to punch her. I say “Her ass is waaaaaay hotter.” and she asks me how, so I explain “Because she actually has one.”
She storms off, my wife can’t stop laughing and the Americans are looking at each other like…