You know what? I’ve never been happy that I’m gay. I may say that I’m happy with my sexuality when straight people ask me, but it’s because the truth is so much harder to explain. I’m not happy, because I would 100% in a heartbeat choose to be straight over being gay. It’s not easy to say, but I want to explain it.
Ever since I was a small kid, my dream was to be a mum. I love the idea of carrying a child, of holding my flesh and blood in my arms. But now that idea stings because I know that child will grow up being judged because of me. Not only can I not protect my child from bullying, like so many parents wish they could, I have to know, even now, that through some twisted logic they are being punished for me.
I have to carry the fact that my love will always be a political act. Try as I might to divorce my love from that, it never will be. I don’t want to have to fight. I don’t want to have to defend myself. I want to be able to tell someone I love them and for it to mean that, and just that, and only that, and yet because I’m gay our love becomes more than just that. It becomes something for others to state their opinions on, for others to project their beliefs onto. My love becomes a case study, an example point for my friends, relatives, and mere acquaintances to whip out when they want to back up their ideas.
I’m sick and tired of going online and seeing people complain about LGBT representation “flooding” their screens, tired of going outside and hearing the same feelings echoed, because every time that happens I am reminded that I am a token, not a person. My existence disrupts. I am a discomfort to others.
If I come out early in a friendship, they are uncomfortable because I am forcing my sexuality on them.
If I come out late in a friendship, they are uncomfortable because I withheld information so long.
There is no correct time, because no matter what I will make others uncomfortable.
I have never been happy with being gay, because I wish I could be a person, not a discomfort, not a political idea, not a debate. But I accept myself, and love myself.
Another week where I’ve gotta work every single day, so if MSS is late tomorrow night I’m sorry! It’s also a pretty long one as they are both in the entire episode, so it may take longer to make! Esp. with my procrastination habits haha. Here’s a sneak peek from part of what I’ve finished so far! haha
“can the owner of the vehicle outside please turn off their alarm”(it was towed later)
Jinyoung’s grandpa dances
CNU being EXTRA af
Me and @kyarybunny being the loudest and most hyped in our row
People next to us farting and leaving early cause they were embarrassed
B1A4 trying so hard and being so cute with their English
CNU slapping Baro’s butt
Jinyoung holding Sandeul’s cheeks as usual
When Baro said “this song is for sitting” and the audience sat down and he was like “lol no no we sit, you don’t have to sit”
CNU WHEN HE STARTED TAKING OFF HIS JACKET AND SLOWLY EVERYTHING ELSE [inhale] B O I
The excessive and cute amount of finger hearts they kept giving
Sandeul being the cute squish he is ahhh
Jinyoung’s high note (you KNOW the one)
CNU doing the MOST to end me ie dancing TOO sexy omg
The cute time machine performance and the throwback songs
Me almost throwing my light stick during OK cause too turnt
My ass moving to the front of the stage cause everyone else was
Jinyoung/ Baro/ Gongchan hovering on our side of the stage :’ 3
Jinyoung teasing with pouring water on everyone(he’s so cute wtf)
Sandeul’s butt (just saying)
THE EPIC ENCORE where they sung good timing 4 TIMES (amazing)
*Baro saying “time to go” and everyone going”NOOOO NEVER” and thus why good timing happened 4 times lol
I held Baro’s hand and said “I love you” and he held my hand back, leaned in a lil and said “aw I love you too”
CNU looked dead and done with the world (poor bb) my ass still insisted on saying”you are incredible” in Korean. CNU was like( ._. ) lol
Sandeul was next I think? (i was so embarrassed with CNU i don’t remember) but he was cute and squishy ;;_;;
Gongchan saved my life. I was gonna hi five him but last minute I gave finger hearts and then he smiled like ^u^ and gave finger hearts back (it could of been fine but then my ass tried grabbing his hand again and i made it weird, girl why)
JINYOUNG was last and I couldn’t do anything dfgjsdgsd boy isn’t even my bias but he came out with his hair spiked up looking FINE and i was so shocked at his handsomeness that i like slapped his hand and ran lol
when I was a kid my parents had conflicting work schedules and refused to place me in daycare, preschool, with babysitters, etc (BLESS) so on my days off from school my mom would be at work by the time I woke up and my dad would have to sleep until later in the day when he’d have to go to work and trade places with my mom.
So I’d get up, go to the fridge, and take the maple syrup and just…chug it. Like I was taking shots of sugar hell. And then some days I’d climb the cupboards and get a little bowl and some sugar, then pour the maple syrup in it to make a clotted, diabetic, but delicious mess.
I’d also take the jar of peanut butter and scoop it WITH MY HANDS AND EAT GLOPS OF IT.
How I made it to age fifteen so far is beyond me, but yeah I was a weird kid.