requested? No, but I’m working on one!!! Just school sucks right now!
Note: So hear is chapter 2 I hope you enjoy it, it was fun writing it!!! Give some love to @rejectcentral for helping me edit this chapter so that people will actually like it, you da best!!!!! Now without further ado….
Vengeance // part II
Peter and I lay naked in the tub, the suds of the warm water wrapped around our bodies. I lean against Peter between his legs and felt his soft lips on my neck.
“I missed you,” I sigh contently and lean further into him. “I’ve missed you too, Peter-”
“Say that again.” I arched my brow and turn towards him, “say what again?” I asked feeling his arms tighten slighting around my naked waist.
“My name, say it again. I’ve missed the way you say it.” Peter answered, he kissed my wet hair and nuzzled himself into it.
“Peter,” I said but this time in a sultry whisper, Peter shivering against me.
“You’re absolutely ruining me Ms. Stark,” Peter said before kissing the shell of my ear. I turn myself, the water jostling slightly, and straddled Peter when I heard a knock.
“Hey Samara, it’s daddyo, um when you’re done with whatever you’re doing we can watch a movie, if you want.”
I heard my dad say behind my bedroom door, feet away from the open door to the bathroom. I sigh and lean my forehead against Peter’s shoulder, “Sure dad, give me 10 minutes.”
“Great! Um-I’ll be in the den on the 9th floor.” I heard my dad say before I hear his footsteps, both me and Peter listen as Tony’s steps disappear.
“There goes us having sex,” I said sitting up on Peter’s lap, his cheeks redden.
“We should wrap this up, I can’t have your dad finding out I’m here. He’ll kill me,” Peter said I lazily place kisses on his face.
“We’ve got 10 minutes, we can accomplish a lot in 10 minutes.” I said with a suggestive look. I rock my hips gently against him as he let’s out a shaky sigh.
“We’ll get caught.” He said more to himself then I.
“Just surrender yourself Peter, you know you want to…”
I see the idea roll around his mind behind his doe eyes, “Take me, I dare you, Peter.” I challenged him running my wet fingers through his damp chocolate hair.
“You dare me? Fine, but don’t say that I didn’t warn you.”
I smiled in triumph, I was about to open my mouth but Peter attacked my lips, his hands traveling down my waist to my bottom, bringing me closer to his awaiting body.
~10 minutes later~
We spent most of the ten minutes rocking hard against each other bodies, I miss the way he feels against me. I didn’t realized I how starved I was of his body until I reached my peak of ecstasy. Peter and I were panting slightly as we dressed ourselves.
I was wearing one of Peter’s old puny math equation shirt, with white cotton shorts, and Peter has on a pair of light grey sweat bottoms. He was looking for one of his shirts he left in my dresser that he has never got back.
“How am I going to sneak past your dad?” Peter asked, forgetting to keep looking for a shirt. Not like I minded.
I thought for a moment, when an idea lit brightly in my head.
“My dad put this in my closet after you gave back to him, and this is a good time as any for you to get back into things, whatcha say Spiderman?”
As I said that i walked over to my walk-in closet and grabbed a dark grey box next to my shoes. I walked over to Peter and gently reached out the box to him.
He looked at me, then the box. “Spiderman died the moment you did, Sam…I can’t, I-I’m not worthy-”
“You are worthy, Peter. I’m here and I’m real, what we just did was real. You can’t let what happen take over what you are truly meant to do, you are Spiderman, you are my Spiderman. My hope, my happiness, my everything. If you give that up, then what did I die for? Nothing? Because it’s starting to feel like that.”
“Sam don’t say that. It’ll break me if I let down the people again,” Peter whispered stepping closer but still not taking the box.
“You’ll be letting them down if you don’t,” I whisper, finalizing the conversation, pushing the box into his chest. He slowly takes his hands and places them on the box, he then put it on the bed. He turned to me like I was all of a sudden going to change my mind, but I’m not changing my mind, ever.
He lets out a shaky breath as he lifts the lid.
Inside the box was his uniform, the red and blue rich with color. He grabs his mask and makes eye contact with the white eyes of the mask. His eyes look like he’s at war with himself.
I take a breath when he gently places the mask on the bed, as he then grabs the suit and holds the thin material in his calloused hands. Then he looks at me expectantly, I suddenly realize what he wanted.
“You’re kidding, I’ve seen you naked so many times,” I said with a laugh.
“I won’t wear it if you don’t turn around.” He said, tauntingly wiggling his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes and turned around, “Better?”
“Better.” Peter stated, I rolled my eyes, he can be so annoying. He’s lucky I love him.
I hear him drop his sweat pants, and bit my lip, I really wanted to turn around.
Then I heard him struggle getting himself into the suit, “This is a little tighter than I remember.” Peter said as he shimmied his way into the suit. I laugh quietly into my hand as I heard him struggle.
After a few seconds I felt Peter tap my shoulder, at that I turn around and smiled widely.
My hero stood before me, just as awkward and handsome as ever.
He had his mask in one of his tightly fisted hands. He kept looking at me and then back to the mask.
“Whatcha think?” Peter asked, looking at me then biting his lip.
“Just as dashing as I remembered,” I said with a grin. He gave me a blushing smile in return.
He was about to open his mouth when we were interrupted by a small knock at my bedroom door.
“Sam? You okay? Are we still on for the movie?” Tony asked with a soft voice.
“Yes dad I’ll be out soon,” I said, ushering Peter to one of my big windows holding one finger to my mouth, signaling Peter to be as quiet as possible.
“Okay hurry, Pepper made you some popcorn with extra butter, your favorite!” Tony said. Peter and I waited until we heard his footsteps slowly walking away, signaling Tony’s leave.
We both let out a soft sigh of relief, and then started to laugh quietly, “We’re such teenagers, I love it.” I said once we regained enough composer to speak. Peter smiled and touched my hair gently,
“I’ll see you tomorrow? I’ll come by after school?” Peter asked.
“Of course, you’re the highlight of my day.” I said. I watched Peter as he still held a strand of my strawberry blonde hair in his gloved hands. He looked at the now open window, letting out a weary sigh.
“I guess this is where I leave you. I love you my Strawberry Shortcake.” Peter said with a smile and dropped the strand of hair that he was holding, bringing me into a comical kiss, I let out a short laugh at the horrible nickname. Once he pulled away he pulled his mask over his face. I smiled proudly at my boyfriend.
“I love you too Parker, now go get em’ tiger.”
After that Peter shot a web on a nearby lamppost, he gave me one last look before swinging out of my room. I watched him swing down the streets 0f New York returning to Queens, knowing he’d stop if he was needed. If the people need him he’ll be there.
I sighed and closed my window, I briefly look out at the starry night not seeing Peter anymore, than I walked out of my room and joined Tony and Pepper in the den.
We watched Total Recall, Pepper and Tony were curled up together on the large couch and I at Pepper’s legs as she french braided ur now same colored hair.
“You guys can pass as mother and daughter now that you both look so similar.”
I think of my real mom Rose and my heart felt heavy, “We might have the same hair and freckles but you have to admit she’s a spitting image of Rose.” Pepper said sensing my sadness at the mention of my deceased mother which I’m glad for.
We didn’t talk much after that, we immersed ourselves into the film before us. As we watched the screen flash with gunshots and violence I felt a slight pressure in the front of my head. I paid no mind to it at first, until it kept on going to the point where my vision blurred and the pain became almost unbearable.
It was when I was breathing hard that my dad and Pepper realized something was askew.
“Samara are you okay?” My dad asked panicked after pausing the movie, my only response was to yell in agony.
Pepper was right behind my father as he had me in his arms, my vision fading in and out.
“Hang in there kid I got-”
Before I could feel him place me on the metal examining table of the lab, my vision faded to black.
A man and a women were hovering over a girl with hair so bright, that it made the sun jealous. Her eyes were shut and her skin was as cold as ice, a shimmer glossing over her body.
“Operation Restore,” The woman said with a thick romanian accent. She had given ordered to a man who was hunched over the small girl’s body, three puncture wounds evident in the middle of the still girl’s chest.
“Yes ma’am, commencing Operation Restore.”
The man, following orders, shot a green liquid filled syringe into the young girl’s neck, then proceed to take the enhanced efi pulaters.
He started to rub the pedals aggressively, “Let’s not have her turn out like her mother.”
Tony had to use the efi pulaters three times before his daughter’s heart beat came back. Yet she was still unconscious, and her breathing was faint and irregular. He placed a oxygen mask over her nose and mouth that was attached to a large oxygen tank.
Both Tony and Pepper nervously stood by her bedside. “She’ll pull through, she’s tough,” Pepper said placing her hand on Tony’s shoulder…
*3rd person next day at Midtown Science High School*
Peter Parker seems to have a extra hop in his step, which surprised everyone.
The brooding Peter Parker smiling? No it couldn’t be.
But it is and for reasons you wouldn’t believe.
The day went on and people were still looking at Peter like he has grown another head. At lunch instead of sitting by himself at a lunch table or the computer lab, he instead is sitting with his best friend that he hasn’t talked to since the passing of his girlfriend.
“Hey Ned,” Peter said with a dorky wave before walking over to Ned’s lunch table. Ned looked up at Peter beside himself, his best friend hasn’t talked to him in months. He knew that he was going through a really tough time, especially since the death of his girlfriend.
“Hey Peter?” Ned asked unsure as Peter sat himself down and started chowing down on his fries that he got from the lunch line.
After a solid minute of silence and Peter eating, the dork noticed that he was being stared at.
“What? Is something on my face?” Peter asked wiping the back of his sleeve on his face.
“No, I’m just surprised that you, you know…” Ned trailed off in hopes that Peter catches his drift.
“Finally act like me again? Yeah I know, I just needed time. I mean, I’m still not…but I’m getting there, “ Peter said when he understood what Ned was talking about. Though Peter knows that Sam is alive he still has that burn in his chest, but it does not hurt as much as it used to when he thought Sam was dead. He still has a low hum of panic that all of this was some dream, and he would wake up any moment now and realize that Sam was still dead.
Ned smiled and patted his best friends back, he’ll take what he can get. As long his best friend is back in his life again.
After school Peter hung out with Ned for a bit in one of the computer labs. Though he wanted to see Sam, Ned needs to see Peter as well, he missed Ned too.
After an hour or two, the two geeks said their farewells and Peter skateboarded all the way to the Avenger building. A smile was plastered on his face the entire trip towards the building.
Once he arrived on the floor where his girl was, he noticed something was off.
His Spidey senses began tingling.
“Sam? Mr. Stark? Ms. Potts?” Peter let out a small yell to project is voice. He pulled out his earphones when Pepper came into the room with an awkward face.
“Hey Ms. P, is Sam around or in her room?” Peter asked, dropping his backpack and skateboard by the elevator doors. Walking past Pepper, he looking left and right checking if Sam was going to barrel into him and attack him with a hug.
“She’s in the medical bay…”
Deadly silence hung in the air.
“What do you mean?” Peter asked as his fists clenching and unclenching to try and keep himself as calm as possible.
“She had an accident, but she’s fine now and breathing again-”
“Breathing again?!” Peter rhetorically asked before running out the door that lead to the stairs, the elevator was too slow for him.
“Young love.” Pepper said exasperate, leaning on the kitchen counter with a full glass of chardonnay.
Peter reached the medical bay in record speed and busted through the door.
“Is she okay?” Peter asked, slightly out of breath. He saw Tony leaning against a table with his reading glasses on, scanning medical charts. When Peter’s doe eyes casted over to Samara’s sleeping form, he double timed it to her bedside.
“She okay now kid, I’m trying to find out what exactly happened.” Tony said looking up briefly at the Peter who clung to Samara’s side.
The girl looked like she had fallen asleep with her thick hair fanning the pillow and her breathing at a steady rhythm.
“When do you think she’ll wake-”
Samara shot out up into a sitting position. Her breathing labor, she was looking around the room forgetting where she was for a second.
Tony ran over to her side, “You’re okay Sam, Spiderling and I are here.”
She looked over at Peter and immediately calmed down, feeling his hand in hers she gripped it tightly.
“What happened Strawberry Shortcake?” Peter said pecking her cheek.
She took a deep breath, “I-I remember Peter… I remember everything.”
Last nights episode of Supergirl was disastrous… @fictorium and @supergirl-superpower posted that we should tweet the writers of the show … I have been sending stuff last night and this morning (I’m in Australia guys so we are about 17 hours ahead of America)
I recommend the book ‘Born to Rule: Five Reigning Consorts, Granddaughters of Queen Victoria’ by Julia Gelardi. It’s kinda the real life version of that. (Ena of Spain’s story is FASCINATING. And then there’s Maud of Norway.)
Yeah, we were talking about that last night, like, in WWI half the people declaring war on each other were her descendants.
My 9 yr old godson wanted to watch TWD w/ me so bad last night but he got his ass in trouble and had to go to bed lol I love it so much that he feels obligated to watch it w/ me lol (my baby) watching it w/ him now and he said “So wait whos the black girl?” I say “Thats my favorite Michonne”. He goes “ok and the main guy Rick? Why do they keep looking at each other like that?” I told him “because baby thats the King and shes his queen”.💁🏾🙌🏾 This little boy gonna then say to me “It seems like before he makes a move he looks to her to make sure she agrees. Thats relationship goals”. 😂 If my 9 yr old godson who barely watches this show can feel the chemistry between these 2 idk what to tell yall lmao Richonne trash is the way of life now just get w/ it.
Maybe I’ve just watched too many torture scenes but I wasn’t that disturbed by last night’s episode. No, I did not enjoy watching Oliver being tortured. I knew Oliver considered himself a monster when Season 1 started and I knew at some point we were going to see this in Season 5.
So while I found the skinning scene ewww, ick and disturbing - it really only went on for me more impressed with Oliver Queen then EVER BEFORE. Oliver Queen is a good man, now. He became that good man with the help of John Diggle and Felicity Smoak.
The fact he overcame being a monster to be the man he is today makes him not only hero but a truly wonderful person.
And this is all that matters for me. I’ve read the posts that the show went too far - and I agree. They did. I think they chose to do this to shock, to show just how far Oliver has come on his journey. Was it necessary for me to see? No.
Does/Did Oliver enjoy killing? I honestly don’t know if he did. I know he doesn’t now and that truly is enough for me.
I’m very sorry so many of my Tumblr friends are sad. But I think at the end of the day we all agree Oliver Queen is a good man, who is made better through OTA and Olicity.
Let me know if I missed you, if you would like to be added, or if you would like to be taken out.
We barely made it to my room, groping and feeling each other up in the dark of the night. I was unable to keep my hands to myself as if she was the drug and I was addicted. Your omega, my mind was screaming at me, make her yours.
whatch your mouth! he sayd turnt my eyballs insideout my head now i see what make tectonic plates begn to quake and i am bringin down the hous 3 square blocks leveld out watch your mouth! my ears when he shout whirlwind vaccumes sucking out the light of day the moon the stars the milkyway i’m watching watching still cant stop? the whol dam thing collapse atop careful little tiptoe plans flash floods well now he undrstands reformation of the earth as i pack bags and my self worth
it is quiet. the king is asleep, and queen rhaella is in the gardens with prince viserys. rhaegar is still missing. there is a war, and jaime is not fighting in it. he is standing by the door of princess elia’s solar, hand resting on his sword while she reads to princess rhaenys.
rhaenys is asleep, her head on her mother’s lap. she has trouble sleeping on nights when the king is shouting and he was shouting late into the night.
princess elia is watching him.
“yes, princess,” jaime says at last. i miss cersei, i miss tyrion, i was supposed to be serving alongside the sword of the morning but he is nowhere to be found.
“i miss oberyn,” elia says quietly. “especially on days like today.”
“and what makes today that sort of day?”
elia smiles and runs her hair through her daughter’s hair. “it is too quiet. oberyn does not allow for quiet. i miss his laughter. but i suppose it was always quiet under the rock. you must be used to this.”
roars in the night? aye, but coming from lions not from kings.
jaime inclines his head.
“i miss the water gardens. i miss the sounds of children playing, and of fountains.” she heaves a sigh and looks at jaime. “you like to laugh, do you not, ser jaime?”
“when given occasion,” he says. he does not feel like laughing now. she had mentioned cersei and now all he can think of is her smile and the way her eyes flash in the sunlight.
“i should like to laugh with you, ser jaime. i know i am not your sister, but we could be siblings to each other while ours are away.”
jaime looks at her. she is nothing like cersei–cautious, hesitant, quiet even if she hated the quiet. cersei was never quiet, especially not on a quiet day.
“i would make a poor brother to you, i think. and you a poor sister to me.”
elia’s lips twist in a wry smile and she turns away from him. he cannot see her face anymore, cannot hear even the hint of broken breath. he cannot hear anything at all.
Is anyone still alive out there after last night’s ep?
I am so appreciative to all who have supported this story and shown love to it after only THREE chapters. I can’t thank you all enough.
If anyone wants to chat about the episode, my fics, or anything else (I watched Beauty and the Beast and need someone to flail with), come through to my ask box.
ALSO: I’ve been listening to the most beautiful song and I need everyone to listen, too. Automatically, my mind went to CS when listening so I encourage everyone to go to youtube and listen to “Heart” by Sleeping at Last. It is so beautiful and inspirational.
She laid in bed that night- thinking about how fucked up her life had become within a matter of two hours and going over the list of problems in her head.
If it weren’t for the nosebleed, she wouldn’t have needed to go to the hospital. If she wouldn’t have needed to go to the hospital, she wouldn’t have bumped into Killian. If she wouldn’t have bumped into Killian, the paps wouldn’t have found her. If the paps wouldn’t have found her at the hospital, she wouldn’t have to pretend to be in a relationship with Killian. If she wouldn’t have to pretend to be in a relationship with Killian, August wouldn’t be on her ass about jeopardizing the show.
The feeling of her phone vibrating next to her shook her out of her trance. She reached over to her bedside table and picked up the phone to see Mary Margaret calling. She sat up in her bed and answered the call. “You’re lucky that I am still awake. It’s almost 2 am.”
“Leo wanted to say ‘hi’.” Mary Margaret’s voice echoed into her ear. “You are on speaker.”
Emma smiled as she pressed her phone to her ear. “Hey, Leo.”
“We saw the interview.” Mary Margaret sounded a bit cautious with her words, but David soon chimed in with all of his skepticism. “Are you sure about this, Em? You don’t even like the guy.”
Emma rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders, forgetting that no one could see her over the phone. “It’s the only valid excuse that we could come up with.”
“Does he know about the cancer?” David asked, his voice laced with apprehension.
Emma took a deep breath and crawled out of her bed- deciding on drinking a cup of tea to help her sleep. “Yeah. It wasn’t hard for him to figure out.”
“I hate him.” Emma could hear David mutter over the phone. She chuckled coldly as she walked to her kitchen.
“What does this mean?” Mary Margaret asked over David’s voice.
“It means nothing.” Emma concluded as she took a tea cup from her cabinet. “The relationship is fake… for the cameras.”
“But how long do you have to go along with this?” Mary Margaret asked.
Emma put a kettle of water on her stove and leaned on the counter as it boiled. “I don’t know. He told August that we weren’t planning on breaking up anytime soon, so I guess that we have to stick with this for a while.”
“I hate him.” She heard David enunciate once more.
As Emma stood by the stove, she noticed a dark patch on her forearm. She put her phone on speaker so that she could examine the discoloration more closely. She walked over to the wall and turned on all of the lights so that she could get a better look, and gasped at the sight of a bright purple bruise. “Shit.”
“What is it?” Mary Margaret exclaimed.
“Emma, is everything okay?” David yelled over the speaker.
Emma tried to recall all the events that could have led to the bruise, but she was coming up empty. “Really?”
“Emma, if you don’t answer me, I will drive over there!” She heard David yell.
Emma quickly reached for her phone and took it off of speaker. “I’m fine. Sorry, I just… I gotta go.”
“Are you sure that you are okay?”
Emma cringed at the fear and concern in Mary Margaret’s voice. “Yeah. I promise.”
“We will talk to you tomorrow?” David asked.
“Yeah. I will call you both after I get home from set. It will most likely be during Leo’s 4am shrieking session.” Emma answered as she kept her eyes on the bruise.
“Okay. Love you, Emma.”
“Yeah. We love you.”
Emma hummed, her breath shaking and her heart beating fast inside of her. “Love you too.”
She ended the call, and dialed Liam’s number within the next second. Her leg began to bounce in anxiety as she listened to the ringing in her ear. After three rings, Emma heard the breath of a woman; and then a familiar voice filled Emma’s ear. “What is it, Emma?”
Emma’s eyes widened at the sound of Regina’s voice. She pulled the phone from her ear to check to make sure that she dialed the right number, but she did- she dialed Liam’s number. She pressed the phone back to her ear and scoffed. “Regina.”
Hi all! I whipped this snapshot up this afternoon while I was bored at work! It is set in the same time as A Good Life, which I am making a series because so many people requested it! I hope you enjoy!! I just love little Harriet! I hope you all like little Michael and Lucas too! I felt we needed a little Japril love today since Shonda failed to deliver last night!
(Note: Michael’s nickname, Cael, is pronounced Kale)
Dancing Queen - ABBA You can dance You can jive Having the time of your life See that girl Watch that scene Dig in the dancing queen
“Harriet, hold still.” Jackson told his five year old daughter when she wiggled in her chair for the fifth time. He had a tight grip on her curly hair and it made her antsy as he tried to style it to her standards.
“Daddy, you’re pulling too hard. It hurts!” She whined as his fingers ran through her hair again, getting caught in the tangles. He used the spray bottle like April had taught him to tame the mess and smooth it out as he started wrapping it around on top of her head.
He sighed and dropped her hair to squirt a small amount of gel into his palm and lathered it on her ponytail, “I’m sorry, just stay still.” He smoothed it out one more time to be sure the curls would stay in place and then twisted it around to form a bun. He wrapped the ponytail holder around the base to hold it in place.
“There! Perfect.” He said as he finished, looking to his daughter for approval. He smiled at her as she turned around to face him.
I watched Moana last night on the recommendation of my godfather, and my jaw was on the floor. It is an excellent movie in general–empowering a young woman to choose her own destiny and not rely on anyone else, portraying POC in a way that seemed respectful and not engaging in cultural tropes (I do not know much about Polynesian culture, so I could be off the mark). I really liked how Maui’s tattoos were treated as well.
However, it is the most jaw-dropping depiction of how I encounter my relationship with La Sirene, the spirit who is the queen of the ocean in vodou. The scenes where Moana as a child encounters the ocean that gives her gifts and embraces her gave me goosebumps, and much more–the giant glowing ray that follows her, the ocean showing up to help her in times of desperation (though I was shouting ‘ASK FOR HELP’ at the screen when things were dire), how the ocean is exasperated at times and puts the GODDAMN CHICKEN in it’s place, and how the lava spirit moves. That in particular made my stomach do a flip-flop–my La Sirene also comes in a Petwo face, and drags herself exactly like the lava spirit does; moving on her arms, reaching to grab you to devour you, and also coming with clouds of smoke sort of hovering around. It was uncanny.
It was also touching how, when Moana basically asked to be relieved of her duty, the ocean took that duty back. The lwa can operate like that, which can be both touching and heartbreaking at the same time.
Okay, okay! So, I don’t ship Lena and Kara because why get attached to another swan queen duo and have my heart crushed right? So I don’t watch any of their scenes or pay much attention. Unfortunately I still watch once and I am always hoping; like a fool I know. BUT TELL ME WHY… Last night I dreamed the cw made Lena and Supergirl CANON!!! And I was so fucking happy just fcxgyhjutxk! The scene was so pretty, Lena was being carried by Supergirl and they did a rom close up and they both leaned in shyly and and grazed each others lips, but supergirls eyes turned wide and she looked like “holy shit, I’m in love with Lena Luthor.”
I’ve watched that bit I lost when my stream crashed last night and now I’m intrigued…
The Queen wasn’t sent back in time. She had another chance with wish!Robin and that was glorious. But, at the same time, there’s something weird in all this…
Will she have a Snow White type of life now that she’s living in a realm where its king is hunting her down for killing Snow and Charming? Even though she wasn’t directly responsible for it?
Because it felt super weird that no one reacted to her when she walked into the tavern, wearing that dress and all. Regina did and all hell broke loose, but the Queen does the same and no one reacts? That was strange, tbh…
Still, I’m so happy that she had the chance to start over and see for herself what a life with love and happiness is like. Seriously, that was freaking fantastic! My Evil Regal heart is still so happy, omg!
Also, I liked that they used the info about her to give some perspective to Hook. I mean, this goes back to that convo they had at the Jolly Roger in S3, doesn’t it?
Anyway, I’m super happy but don’t kid yourselves, folks… this is not a fix or anything, Robin’s death was still unnecessary to get to this point, so u_u
It’s been seven months since you and I officially broke up. That’s just over 200 days. And so much has changed. I don’t love you anymore, of course I don’t. But I think of you from time to time. Lately I’ve been running through our relationship in my mind, pausing to remember the good times, skipping over the bad ones. I am finally at a point where I can look back at the time we had and simply reminisce; not spend my time missing you or hating myself for what I let you put me through.
Rewind to the first night we met. I was in short shorts and some other guys sweatshirt. You took one look at me and I felt something. It sounds cheesy and I’m not talking love at first sight or anything, but there was some feeling in the core of my being, like the universe was saying ‘hey! look at him! that boy is going to rearrange your entire life!’ and I don’t know if that was a warning or a calling. Either way, that feeling was correct. The next day you texted me and I was trying to play hard to get but by the end of the night we were being spontaneous and kissing in the kitchen instead of making a pizza.
Fast forward a bit and you’ll witness our first break up. I thought my world was crumbling to pieces right there in front of me. Little did I know the universe didn’t think we were through with each other just yet. We collided together again by some big coincidence and a couple of mutual friends. Turns out the disney princess you left me for could not handle you the way my heart could. She could not hold you the way my arms would.
We spent the next few weeks happy in each other’s arms. We were laying on the back deck of the house on 23rd street, your perfectly tanned skin laying right next to me; I was laughing. You gave me one of those laughs that I thought I lost back in elementary school along with recess and naps on little blue mats. It was one of those laughs where I completely lost my breath and I kept laughing until I ran out of air and you couldn’t hear anything. That’s when I told you I loved you. You had been telling me for weeks that you loved me and I was afraid to say it back, until you made me laugh like that and the words just spilled out of my mouth so easily. You grinned from ear to ear and you kissed me like it was the last scene in a cheesy romantic movie.
Eventually, that high you gave me faded and you and I were fighting again. We drove each other completely crazy; we couldn’t go a day without screaming at each other over something. But hey, the makeup sex was great and we loved each other anyways. Too much to let go, it seemed. We fought over little things; I was too needy and your unreasonable jealousy and controlling tendencies got in the way of things and we’d always end up yelling. It would usually start over the phone and end with you driving crazy and getting in my face and punching the wall or kicking things if you didn’t get your way. Like I said, we drove each other crazy. I would end up with tear stained cheeks but I would bandage your bloody knuckles anyways and you would kiss me and we would patch things up for the day. You told me we would never go to bed angry, so there would be nights when we wouldn’t sleep. But we always seemed to fix things eventually.
I loved when you would show me off. I’d get all dressed up for you and we’d cruise around in your car with the windows down and the radio up loud. You always had one hand on my knee. You loved my crazy curls and every inch of my body. You would kiss me from head to toe on the days I came out of the dressing room crying. In the months we spent together I cried a lot, honestly. But you’d hold me tightly, even if we were fighting; you would always make the tears stop rolling down my cheeks. You would tell me I was pretty, even when I had washed all my makeup away with the tears I cried. You’d swipe a thumb across my cheek and kiss me. Your arms around me always made me feel safe.
Except that one day on the bathroom floor when we called it off again-and we swore it was for good that time. God that day, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard. We were fighting again. This time it was your jealousy and your sick need for control over me. You stood over me, with my knees to my chest and my head ducked down, and you wouldn’t stop yelling. I was sobbing so hard and just flat out screaming-I couldn’t take it anymore. All of our friends were in the next room over and no one dared to say anything. The whole house could hear our screaming matches every day and they were getting worse. This was by far the worst. For the first time, I was afraid of you. Your arms were no longer my safe house, they were what I was trying to get away from. I was cornered in the bathroom after you beat the door down, huddled on the floor by the shower. Those bathroom walls hold many memories- from laughter to tears to fixing smudged makeup in the mirror, this was by far the worst they’d seen. You would not stop screaming at me. I was silent, besides my crying. I sat there while you yelled and yelled. You begged me for some kind of answer but my body was too afraid to say anything. My mouth was too afraid to speak. I can’t imagine how disgusting and pathetic I looked to you. You made me feel weak, you sat there degrading me. My whole body shook from crying so violently. When that fight was all said and done there was no kiss and makeup. I made my way for the door and bolted when I had the chance. You caught my wrist but I kept fighting. I locked myself in another room and remained there until I heard you slam the front door and your car engine rev before speeding off down the street. After that became the violent and threatening text messages and then finally there was silence.
My friends protected me for the next three days, I avoided eye contact and your pleading gaze. Until one morning when I walked in on you sleeping on accident. I was looking for something in the room you were sleeping in and I didn’t realize you were there until it was too late. I flipped on the lightswitch and saw you start to wake. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were in here.” I flipped the switch again and turned to leave. “No wait, stay.” you reached out for me and you just looked so innocent and lovely. I hesitated, but I made my way back to you. You have always been most affectionate when you’re sleepy. You wrapped me in your arms and I relaxed. It felt like coming home.
We walked on our tiptoes for the next few days. You were gentle with me, like I might break. Until one day in the garage when we started arguing again and things escalated quickly. You had me cornered again and you punched the wall right next to my face. Someone walked in and in a quick second I ducked under your arms and bolted for the door. You stood there, stunned for a moment that I was already gone. It didn’t take long for you to find me, and the doors in that house were never that steady. You easily broke them in with a swift kick. I was huddled in the corner, shielding my face. Tears streamed down your cheeks. I was no stranger to you crying but something in your eyes told me you were really afraid. You told me you couldn’t lose me, that I drove you crazy and somehow kept you sane. You were sobbing as hard as I was, and after a lot of convincing I let you wrap your arms around me again. After all that fighting and crying, letting you hold me still felt like coming home.
Despite all the fighting, we were the couple that everyone wanted to be, and that was intoxicating. Everyone thought we were the couple that withstood everything and made it through the hard times. I remember one night close to the fourth of July I sat there and watched you light off fireworks right in front of me. It was a beautiful summer evening, the sun was setting and I couldn’t help but think of how lucky I was. We etched a little K for King and Q for Queen into our wrists with red sharpie. You kissed me on the cheek. I was really, very happy.
The next fight was my fault. I was being ridiculous and looking back, I know it. That one didn’t last long, but there was screaming over the phone. I was angry and thought you were cheating on me, which was a ridiculous accusation based on how much time we spent together and how much you loved me. We were over that fight pretty quickly and you were the one to apologize. You came into see me at work and brought me coffee. I loved your little gestures of affection and looked forward to seeing you during my long shifts. I work in retail and during halloween week I had to dress up, and every day you’d help me find something to wear. You helped me in the dressing room, zipping up my skirts and running across the store to fetch me another size, promising me I was beautiful even when my eyes were threatening to spill water down my cheeks when I asked you to find the next size up. Everyone who saw us would tell me how lucky I was. They told me how much you must love me. But they didn’t see the fighting.
One of our big fights was over another guy. You saw it before I did, I will admit that. I swore up and down that he was just a friend and in my eyes that’s all he was at the time. His house was my safe place when you and I were fighting. He was just up the street and his room was the perfect place for me to catch up on some sleep without worrying. I could cry there and not worry what anyone thought of me. He agreed with me when I was angry at you and he would tell me that I deserved so much more. I didn’t know that he meant him until the day you and I broke up again. I had been worried for quite a while for your safety and mine-our relationship was dangerous and everyone knew it. When we would fight and I would try to leave you, you would threaten suicide and I would usually stay. Come to think of it every breakup before this one was your idea. I took you to our friends place and broke up with you in the living room. I didn’t give you the choice of threatening suicide-I told you I had your information on a sheet of paper and I would call the police. When it was all said and done and you didn’t have a fight to put up, you stood up and left the room. I made sure someone was looking out for you and then I was carried down the street by another pair of arms, blue eyes and a heartbeat. He held me and told me everything would be okay. And then he kissed me and somehow then him and I were a thing.
That is until I missed my period. I came to you, trembling, not wanting you back but I needed to say something. At first it was just talking. We agreed to be friends and start from there. But by the end of the night your arms were around mine and all of my feelings came rushing back to me. I was in love with you and I was never gonna let that go. We talked it all out and we planned a future for ourselves. I was so excited to start a little family and we agreed to go down to the courthouse the day I turned eighteen. We didn’t fight much after that, and I thought things were finally going to be great. You protected me and kissed my tummy. We were going to be a family. I started to get used to the idea until I peed on a stick at planned parenthood and they told me there wasn’t going to be another little bit of you and me running around in nine months. I was relieved but oddly disappointed. I called you and told you the news. You didn’t say much. Until two days later I was on my way home from work and you called me and told me you didn’t want me anymore. I was worthless to you. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and all of my organs shifted. My stomach was in my throat and the tears wouldn’t stop pouring down my cheeks.
Within a week I decided that I was better off without you. I repaired relationships you had made me ruin and I was slowly getting back on my feet. Then another week passed and you told me you couldn’t live without me. I agreed to be friends but I wasn’t going to allow myself to go through any of that again. We are toxic for each other and we cannot be together forever. If I’m being honest here I will tell you that you went a little crazy when I told you I couldn’t be with you anymore. Actually if I’m being honest I will tell you that you were just a little crazy throughout our entire relationship, but you went full crazy when I told you I couldn’t be with you for good. You put yourself in the hospital and I am sorry for that. I am sorry that we were not meant to be together. I am sorry I put your mother through that experience. I am sorry I made you think that life was not worth living without me. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that. I will not apologize for your actions or decisions because those were your own, but I am sorry that our love drove you to that. I really, truly loved you. I have never loved anyone the way I loved you and I don’t think I will ever love that way again. There is a strange part of me that misses that kind of love, that kind of crazy, passionate, mad love you hear about in the movies. I do not miss the constant worry and fear that came out of our relationship but I miss that mad passionate love we had. I don’t think I ever told you this either but I am very grateful that you were in my life. You taught me many things, including the type of love to stay away from, but in those months we had together you did give me happiness. You made me laugh until I cried, you made me smile until my cheeks hurt, and you made me feel loved. I was so caught up in being angry and afraid of you that I never got the chance to say that. To thank you for everything you gave me, and everything you did for me.
Now I don’t know if you’ll ever read this and what you’ll think if you do, because I really don’t know you anymore. But I hope you take away something from this, and that is that you will always hold a place in my heart. You might hate me or you might miss me, I really don’t know what you think of me at this point. But you impacted me in a big way. You rearranged my entire life that summer, and I want you to know that and I want to thank you for that. I am constantly changing and evolving and you played a big part in that. I learned a lot from our relationship and I hope you did too. You loved a little too much for me and you didn’t know how to handle your emotions, to be quite honest. I hope you’re learning to deal with that now because you really are a wonderful man. You have a lot of love to give and you are really an amazing person. The way you took care of me and made me feel like I was your queen, was really something special. There’s a part of me that wishes I knew the kind of person you were now. I wish you the best and I hope you learn to control the way you love someone because I know you can really truly make a woman feel very lucky. If you think of me, you can always call me. I guarantee my heart will skip a beat and my voice will shake and my knees will become weak but I will answer the phone. If the next girl cannot handle your love and you want to drive your car off the road I will pick up the phone and I will tell you these things. I will tell you she does not know how to handle your love, and that I thought I did but it turns out I was not tough enough. I will tell you that you need to learn to control your anger and learn to control your constant need to be in control but I will say it out of kindness. You are a great man and I am sorry I could not stick with you while you worked through your issues. I hope that life is treating you well, and just remember that you have my number and you know how to reach me if you need me.
//Selena V Vargas poetry
//letters to t.j.
//I am not taking the blame, just reconsidering things.
//I will not take you back, just know I’m here if you need a friend.
Um. This one. Who has seen this gorgeous queen in #birthofanation?? @ajanaomi_king
is so raw and real in it. Our ancestors are grateful for her vessel.
Seriously watch that movie. I still think about it often. She was
brilliant. What a blessing to officially meet her last night. Aaaaand
she taught me a few thangs about finding the joy in taking pics.
HBT is Human Being Time (you can watch the video here [1:49]) here’s the transcript
ET: It’s obvious that the Clintons cherish their little time they can spend together these days. HRC: Bill came in late last night, and I was just so happy to see him. Because you know we lack that - we need some - what we call HBT, we need Human Being Time. ET: What is that like your ‘Human Being Time’? BC: We always have a good time. We’re always laughing about something. ET: Human being time went great? HRC: Human being time went good. HBT.
Two things I was reminded of as I watched The Ugly Truth last night: 1. Katherine Heigl is the queen of chick flicks. Why the hell did she disappear off the face of Earth? 2. Pocketful of Sunshine is the. absolutely. worst song to ever listen to, ‘cause you won’t listen to it just once. Nuh-uh. It’s gonna get engraved into your damn mind for the next century. Fuck you, Natasha Bedingfield.