I got a chance to play again with everyone (Sexiest Zombie, Range Proficiency: Dwarf, What Did He Say?). The Party consists of Pete The Warrior, our Necromancer Friend (No one knows his name, we just call him Nec), Anges the Dwarven Boomerang(played by our former cleric DM) and Myself. We are exploring a vampires haunted castle in search for the key that leads to his quarters, we soon come up to a door that stands out.
DM: The door is cleaner and more well kept than most, it is adorned in gold and has spiders carved out of wood.
Nec: Ooooo f*ck no… Nope, no no no. No, my contract says no spiders!
Anges: Tis just a door! Pete show dis ninny ‘ow to be a man!
Pete: I’m with the necro on this one, I don’t want to die again…
Anges: Oh for the love of- FINE *Anges opens the door*
Dm: As Anges opens the door, a larger nearly empty room sits beyond the it. The floor is scattered with webs and bones, the smell of decaying flesh filling the air. You see a pedestal at the back of the room, on it sits a old key, the key that opens the way to the vampire. But just as soon as you see the key, a grotesque hissing is heard from the ceiling as two very large decaying spiders descend and block your path.
Pete: Aaaaaand those are undead spiders…
Nec: I think I just shat myself…
Anges: Ya ’re all just a wee bunch o'cowards! PETE THROW M-
Me(OOC): I run into the room, screaming at the top of my lungs, attempting to dodge the spiders, grab the key and get out!
DM: *Eye twitching* Roll me dexterity twice and apply your bonuses…
Me(OOC): *Rolls a 19 and a Nat 20, but with bonuses from enchanted equipment I dodge both spiders* I parkour around the spiders, running on the walls while still screaming at the top of my lungs. I grab the key and jump off the back wall, performing rad flips over the spiders before landing halfway across the room, then back out! I slam the door behind me shut and bar it shut before looking back at everyone.
inktober day 15! I used this as an excuse to draft the cover for a playlist I’m working on, but I kept having to switch screens and cover my notebook as people walked in and out of my dorm room in case they didn’t want to see big spiders without warning
When I was young, the walls of my bedroom would sing to me at night. I found the mysterious phenomenon soothing, and looked forward to it every night.
At eight years old, I mentioned it to my parents, and they brought me to a doctor, who concluded I had a wild imagination. This reassured my parents, and prompted me to keep quiet about it in the future.
A few years later, my father had a heart attack in his sleep while my mom was away on a business trip. That night, I woke up suddenly and quickly noticed the absence of the walls’ singing. The silence felt weird, wrong.
It was broken by a lone, strangely familiar voice.
“Young giant, your father is in trouble,” the voice was whispered. It was breathy, like silk against silk, the voice of one of the singers.
Something tickled the skin right below my ear, then dropped down to my arm. When it reached my index finger, I brought my hand to my face so I could see my mysterious companion.
A small, black spider sat on the pad of my finger. Before I could make a move to shake it off, it spoke again.
“You father is very ill. He needs a healer,” the spider insisted in the same delicate whisper before launching itself off my finger into the darkness of my bedroom.
Sure enough, when I went to check on my dad, I was unable to wake him. Later, the doctor told me that my dad would have died if I hadn’t woken up when I did.
The next day, I whispered thanks to the spider that sang in my walls. They hummed in response, and I grinned, happy with my new friends.
My father died from another heart attack when I was seventeen, prompting my mother to spiral into mental decline until her hospitalization a year later. After that, I sunk into a deep depression and ended up in an abusive relationship.
I eventually told the spiders all about my suffering, and they murmured with sympathy from their perches in the walls. A large, brown spider dropped down from the ceiling onto the pillow beside my bruised face and asked me if I would bring my boyfriend over that evening.
“We will take care of you, young giant,” it promised.
So that’s what I did. He came over and settled himself before the TV. I stood at the stove in the kitchen, barely paying attention to my cooking as I waited eagerly to see what the spiders had in store.
He started screaming as the pasta finished. He had stopped by the time I had drained it and added the sauce. I ate my meal happily as I waiting for the police to arrive.
They said he died of a brain aneurism. Tragic, they said. Yes, I agreed, very tragic.
That night, I slept soundly, lulled by the gentle music as my friends sang from their homes in the walls.
*continues to throw things at you because Reasons, mostly to do with the fact that this is awesome*
There was once a girl at Elsewhere who spoke to spiders.
She would study their webs, snapping pictures with her cheap instant camera and, later, studiously recreate them with graphite and ink. For the first eight weeks of freshman year her roommate hated spiders, then one evening she opened the door to see ‘him’ feeding the tarantula that had taken up residence in one corner. She never mentioned the odd teeth or the hollowness of his back, and quietly moved all the iron out of the room, bit by bit (except for the bracelet she wore and the old washers she hid in her pillows).
That was when she started weaving.
As a child she had been the one who came home with muddy shoes and dirt smeared on her face and clothes, only willing to take a bath when her father (single, divorced, but still won sole custody - a rarity in 1960’s America) demanded it of her. She grew into the girl in the oversized sweaters that were as comfortable as they were ugly, the sleeves stained with food, ink, and occasionally blood, and never paid attention to what anyone else said - mostly because she never heard. The bloodstains might have been from picked pimples and accidental nicks from the whittling knife she kept hidden in her shoe, but nobody else knew that, and she was a tall girl - six feet even - with the broad shoulders of a swimmer whose father taught her how to punch and kick and scream. So when she went to Elsewhere, the textile industry was the last thing on her mind. She wanted to be an artist, to carve stories and emotion out of wood blocks.
But then, on her first day, she found a large, hairy, potentially deadly spider sitting on her not-yet-made bed when she came out of the bathroom. She shrieked, of course - the spider was nearly the size of her pillow - and grabbed for the plunger next to the toilet (school plumbing was always going to be shit, no matter what school it was). She did not, however, try and hit the spider - don’t hurt the animals, even the bugs was one of the first things the told you at Elsewhere, right after wear your iron and keep salt in your pockets.
So instead, she took a nervous step forward. “Do you need help?” she whispered.
The spider didn’t nod - couldn’t - but the feeling brushed past her face like faint tendrils of web. Yes.
She swallowed nervously. “What do you need?”
The feeling brushed past her face again. Take me.
Her face blanched as certain meanings of the phrase came to mind as she immediately tried to scrub the images away because oh sweet Jesus NO. “Where…where do you need to go?”
Under the hill.
She swore (in Latin) - but the spider rode her yellow rubber plunger to the entrance under the hill, and when she woke up the next day she found a shawl folded neatly at the foot of her bed, made of a strange, silvery material - soft as a daydream and impossible to damage.
She switched her major to textile production that afternoon, and if you needed something stitched or mended, she was always willing - for a price. When she left, she moved back home and started up her own business, taking in customers both humanly and inhumanly strange, accepting payment in oddities as well as in the swipe of a credit card. Everything is handmade on a wooden loom, and everything has its place.
Anon requested: Can I please request a scenario where Taehyung is the resident fuckboi at ur university(it’s a College AU) and you’re the only girl he hasn’t banged yet so when he sees you at a party he makes it his mission to get you out of your pants and into his room annddddddd he accomplishes his mission of you know what I mean😉
I changed it a bit but I hope it’s still okay!
Word Count: 6.7k words
You believed in destiny when your acceptance letter into your top choice came to your house. You believed in destiny when you managed to get a perfect mark with one of the hardest professors in your program. You believed in destiny when you met your best friend in that same lecture hall. Despite your unwavering belief in destiny, you knew it was anything but destiny when the biggest playboy in your university moved across the hall from you.
You vaguely remember seeing a little old lady taking groceries there once but a week later, there he was knocking on your door.
“Hello, I just moved here and I thought I should introduce myself and–” he looked up, smirking when your eyes met.
“Today must be my lucky day.” You answered the door in shorts and a long sweater that covered the emerald green pair. His eyes scanned your body like a bar code and you almost shut the door when he stopped it with his foot.
“Piss off, Kim.”
“If you’re into watersports, give me a few minutes. I can quench that thirst with a golden shower.”
“I really hope you drop dead.”
“That’s so hurtful, petal. I thought you liked me?”
“Like to kill you in your sleep.”
“What I’m hearing is that you’ll get into my bed, right?”
“Wow, deaf too. Goodbye.”
“Selective hearing, petal.”
“Go away, you stalker.”
“For your information, gorgeous, I live across from you now. Might need some sugar later if you catch my drift.”
“Drift away from my door, asshole.” You spit out, the third time you told him to leave and shut the door successfully. He was probably stupidly smiling, now within arm’s reach within you.
The infamous Kim Taehyung, his playboy reputation consists of a swarm of girls that attack him, angry girls that want to get revenge and girls who are proud to sleep with him just once. You, on the other hand, didn’t fit into those three categories at all. You had no interest into Taehyung, finding that he thrives on attention and popularity to make a mark. He was an empty shell that filled itself with alcohol and painting a girl’s walls white with cum.
Some of my favorite things about having gone to an international school
• RA yelling happily in Taiwanese because I gave her pizza after the cafeteria closed
•girls down the hall snickering over incorrect Urdu in a Tintin book
•the professor who taught himself Spanish when he was younger just so he could talk to a pretty girl when he was in Spain. They now have four kids
•the professor who blessed his class in Hebrew when they were about to leave for the weekend
•the Korean students discovering the difference between Northern and Southern barbecue and being like “Why is this even a thing”
•the missionaries’ kids who refused to wear shoes or any kind of American clothing because they didn’t have to and no one could make them
•that one guy who just walked around with a wooden training sword 24/7
•professor who spent a lot of time in the jungle: “(My name), what’s wrong? You’re distracted.”
Me: “There is a very large spider on the window next to me.”
Professor: (walks over and kills it barehanded) “That’s not large. I’ve seen ‘em as big as my hand.”
•the guy who taught his entire dorm a haka, which they later performed at the junior/senior formal
•"THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE (insert type here) TEA"
•no matter what country you come from everyone knows that even in the most dire straits you do not eat the “riblets” in the cafeteria. And you warn the freshmen if they’re about to get them
“They moved from the drawing room to a dining room on the ground floor where they found spiders large as saucers lurking in the dresser (Ron left the room hurriedly to make a cup of tea and did not return for an hour and a half).”
This Sunday I was pleasantly surprised by this beautiful female fishing spider(Dolomedes) while taking pictures by a creek(I live in NY). She has a fully decked out aquarium now, with a choice of fish or crickets ready for her to eat, and she’s about the size of my palm!
anon requested :
I was wondering if maybe you could do some cute belle/esmeralda stuff?
Looking into the mirror, Belle took a deep breath before adopting a stern gaze. “This is it. You are going to march out there and tell her how you feel!” With a sharp nod of her head, she straightened her dress and marched out, staunchly ignoring the slight tremble in her hands. She had watched the woman (Esmeralda, a voice whispered to her) dance for a couple weeks and each day had been working up the courage to introduce herself.
Music reached her ears as she approached the square and she sighed as she tracked Esmeralda’s movements, allowing herself to imagine for a moment, that she was up there dancing too, smiling and laughing as they moved around each other.
Belle was so caught up in her daydream that she almost failed to notice the Romani take off at a run, with shouting guard chasing after her. At first, she was unsure if she should follow them - after all, what could a tinker’s daughter do in the face of the law? But as she watched the guards gain on the dancer, Belle took a quick breath before falling to the ground with a piercing scream.
The two men came to a sudden stop, trying to place where the cry had come from and as they turned back to see Belle splayed out on the ground, Esmeralda took advantage of their distraction and dashed into the nearest building. Having kept one eye on the woman she was trying to save, Belle gave a sigh of relief and stopped her relentless cry just as the guards approached her.
Adopting her most innocent gaze, she thanked the guards for their worry but the spider that had crossed her path had already fled. As their expressions slowly changed from incredulity to anger, Belle did her best to assure them that, yes - it was a very large spider and that no - she wasn’t off her rocker. Beaming at them as they walked away muttering, what she was sure were insults about her intelligence, she continued her simpering routine until they turned the corner and could no longer see her mad dash to the library.
Pushing the half-door open with her usual care, she gave a M. Robert a quiet smile before walking up behind the dark haired woman who, for all intents and purposes, looked extremely invested in the book she held. Belle paused for a moment to gather her thoughts before she reached out and tapped the woman (Esmeralda, her mind reminded her again ) on the shoulder.
Well, anyone would have thought Belle had poked her with a hot iron the way the Romani whirled around, a fierce look on her face. Esmeralda relaxed a little when she realised that it wasn’t the two guards who’d come up behind her, but the screaming girl from the square. The surprisingly pretty girl, a small part of her added unhelpfully. “Are you alright?”she asked gently. “They didn’t hurt you, did they?” For surely pain could have been the only cause of such a piercing noise.
A small blush rose to the bookworm’s cheeks as she tried to think of an excuse. Somehow, ‘I’ve seen you dancing in the square for the past week and you’re beautiful and I think I’m in love even though this is the first time we’ve ever spoke’ didn’t sound quite right. In the end, Belle simply shook her head and used the same excuse she’d told the guards. “There was an extremely large spider. I don’t like spiders…or guards who chase innocent people.”
Understanding flashed across Esmeralda’s face and a small grin spread across her face. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.” She closed her book with a loud snap and glanced out the window. The guards would surely have moved on to tormenting other citizens, allowing her to make her way back to her corner. “Thank you. Not everyone is so quick to help someone like me. I promise your kindness will not be forgotten.” Moving past the brunette, Esmeralda was already trying to remember where she’d dropped her tambourine when she felt her momentum stopped by a gentle hand on her elbow.
It was now or never. Belle swears, even up to this day, that her hand had moved without any instruction on her part - her own subconscious seeming to rebel against the fear her mind held. “Ah, I was - that is - I was hoping…” This wasn’t like the outspoken bookworm at all, she was a woman who always seemed to be able to say what was in her heart, so why was it so hard for her to even string together two sentences?
Esmeralda, for her part, remained where she was, a patient look upon her face. While she was a bit confused by the other woman’s scattered words, Esmeralda was sure eventually they would become clearer once she overcame whatever obstacle was in her way. Besides, the brunette was especially cute when she was so flustered - Esmeralda got the feeling she didn’t fall apart like this very often.
“Will you - that is, would you like to accompany me to dinner tonight? My father is at a fair for the week and I was wondering if you enjoyed roast hen?”
Suddenly the woman’s nervousness made sense to Esmeralda and suddenly her amusement turned to uncertainty. For a moment she faltered, eyes widened momentarily with shock until her brain gave her a sharp kick and she realised she was being ridiculous. This woman had just saved a mornings worth of earnings and that alone put Esmeralda in her debt - besides, she was intrigued by the brunette and her quiet courage. “In fact I do - as long as I don’t cook it. I’m afraid kitchens and I don’t seem to get along.”
Belle was stunned for just a moment - had she actually just said yes? And before she could gather herself and project a relaxed front, words burst forth from her mouth with all the excitement of a young child around the holidays. “Really? I mean - great! You should come over just before sunset - my house is the one just over that hill there.”
Bemused, Esmeralda watched the brunette start down the street at a brisk pace once her directions were uttered. It crossed her mind that she didn’t even know the other woman’s name. As if she’d heard her thoughts, the brunette woman - now several feet away - waved a hand and called out a brief and rather unorthodoxt introduction
Curled up in your apartments bay window, you’d never felt more peaceful. The sun was shining through a pale orange as it began to disappear behind the vast buildings of the city, a warm breeze blew through the room as you leaned your head back against the wall. Casting your eyes to the ceiling, your gaze suddenly locked onto a large black blob hanging above you.
Letting out a loud shriek, you pulled the knife you kept hidden in one of the pillows and whipped it at the large spider, tumbling ungracefully from your seat as you did so.
“Y/N? Doll?” Bucky’s worried voice rang out, his hurried footsteps coming towards you. “What the hell happened?” He asked as he took in the scene in front of him, you sprawled out on the floor with a knife lodged in the ceiling.
“There was a spider.” You mumbled, scrunching your nose slightly as Bucky belted out a laugh.
“All of this…” He chuckled, gesturing at you and the knife, “Because of a spider.”
“I may have mildly panicked…” You muttered, pushing yourself up off the floor as Bucky bent over laughing beside you. “Shut up.” You huffed, pushing his shoulder back playfully.
“You’re really something Doll.” He said fondly, pulling you close to press a kiss to the corner of your lips.
“I reiterate… shut up.” You giggled, poking him in the stomach.
Your name was Sophia, and you had no idea how you ended up in this mess.
You came from a small town in New Jersey, near the shore but not near
enough to be surrounded by homes that were reserved only for summer
vacations. You considered yourself average, as far as people go, so the
fact that you’d just been ‘abducted’ by aliens was more than shocking to
you. Sure, you knew Earth had established connections with other
lifeforms, it had been all over the news when NASA made contact with
some aliens who had been traveling around in search for allies in some
intergalactic war they were facing, but you never thought that you’d
suddenly be swept up from your home to act as ambassador for the human
race. You were barely qualified, as far as you were concerned.
That’s not what they thought,
though. Most of the world’s governments had been negotiating peace with
these foreign beings for quite some time, but in order for Earth to be
seen as a proper ally to their new friends, a human was meant to come
with them. Many had offered themselves up, but the alien’s leader
refused. They demanded they pick out someone themselves, only this way
could they make sure the ambassador was fit for the job they needed them
You’d been in school when the aliens came. Under orders
of the government, your school orchestrated an assembly for all of those
turning who were or were turning 18 within the next 6 months. The
aliens wanted someone young and willing to learn, but not so young that
they’d be immature. They’d also mentioned they were looking for someone
with strength, for the job of being an ambassador was not easy. The idea
of space travel was more than enough to keep you interested in their
investigations, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to leave Earth. You
were almost out of high school, you’d been accepted into a college
already, and you were looking forward to building your own future. The
fear of not being able to live a normal, happy life was the only thing
holding you back from outright saying you were interested in the
position…but then again, you didn’t think you’d be picked in the first
place, do you didn’t worry much.
That was, until the actual
assembly. You sat in your chair, trying to keep your cool as your
principle introduced the leader of the aliens you’d heard so much about.
You couldn’t hold back the gasp that went through you when you actually
saw him, though.
He was huge, and barely humanoid. He resembled
something like a centaur, if a centaur’s lower half was made of a 6
legged insect. His skin was a darkish green color, with silver-grey eyes
and dark black hair to match. You could also knew he bore insect-like
wings on his back thanks to the internet, but they were currently hidden
under some very intricate clothes he wore. Much of his attire was made
up of darker green and blue colors, accented by silver jewelry and a
simple crown-like band to match on his forehead. Not only was he
stunning, but he was very, very intimidating.
name is Orotorco, 9th leader of the planet you call ‘Spade 8H2’.” His
voice, while deep and booming, was obviously not used to using English.
He had problems pronouncing his own planet name, and was having even
more trouble trying to seem welcoming. You sensed he wasn’t trying to be
threatening, and something in you relaxed. If he was making a genuine
effort to be kind, you doubt he could be that bad of a person.
“As your principle just said, me and my kin are on a hunt for a
representative for your kind. Only when one is found, can our alliance
be made strong. We have worked in tandem with your kind to find someone
suitable, and we have concluded that someone from this area would best
for the job.” He explained, “My daughter, the next ruler of my planet
will decide who comes with us, for she will be the one you will have to
work with every step of the way.”
Your eyes drifted to the
side of the stage as another alien stepped into view. Much like her
father, she was large and spider-like, but she was bluer in color and
sported some short, pointed horns from her forehead. She wore blue and
purple clothing with white accents, much more simple than her father’s
attire. You were far away from the stage, so you couldn’t see it
clearly, but you’re sure you saw silver rings around her neck,
establishing her role as royalty.
She came to the microphone,
her voice just as uncertain as her father’s when it came to speaking
English. “My name is Uros, next leader-to-be. I will be assessing
potential representatives based off of poise, strength, grace, and
talent. I hope you don’t mind me asking questions throughout this
You won’t lie, her voice was like honey to you.
While it was clear she was nervous, you felt something warm blossom in
your stomach as she gazed over the crowd. It was clear you weren’t the
only one, however, many seemed more at ease after she showed up.
After a few more words of encouragement and explanation, your principle
dismissed you back to your classes. Uros would be drifting between
classes, observing how students worked and questioning those who she
thought would fit. It was almost the end of the school-day when she
entered your math class. You held your breath as she made her way over
to your desk, starring curiously at your paper. You felt embarrassed, to
say the least, since your worksheet was barely finished. Instead, it
was filled with doodles, making your paper seem messy.
“What are these?” She asked, her voice filled with an innocent curiosity.
“They’re…um, doodles. I’m bored, so I decided to draw instead.” You
replied. You were sure you were beet red, too afraid to look her in the
She hummed contemplatively. “Are you allowed to doodle on your papers?”
“Well…not exactly. It’s not encouraged.”
“I see…” Uros seemed to be deep in thought. “Come with me for a second.”
Your head shot up. “Huh?”
“I want to ask you some more questions, but I don’t want to stall your
class. Won’t you follow me?” She elaborated, looking slightly worried.
“…Sure, that’s ok, I think.” You followed her out of the classroom,
where somebody else waited. You could only assume they were a bodyguard,
since they were covered in dark grey-black robes and holding something
resembling a spear. Once the door was closed, she began asking more
“What’s your name, human?”
“Did you chose that yourself?”
“No, my parents did.”
“Oh, how odd.” She seemed to lean closer, checking out your facial
features. “Usually around the age of 3, my kind picks their own names.
We’re born nameless.”
You could only nod as a cool hand tilted
your head to the side, then traced your jaw. You did your best not to
seem uncomfortable, but Uros seemed to notice anyway.
“You’re very stiff. Are you ok?”
Your tongue felt thick, her eyes filled with concern. “Y-yeah, sorry. Not used to this kind of thing.”
“I guess not.” She replied, “Tell me, how much do you like your life here on Earth?”
“It’s…ok. I have a family that cares and good enough grades to get me a
good job. I don’t really have a lot of friends, but other people like
me enough to talk to me. I’m not unhappy with it.”
“It sounds peaceful here.”
“Compared to other places, yeah. It can be boring, though.”
That seemed to startle her, for some reason. “Boring?”
You shrugged, “Yeah. I like it here, it’s nice and I’m never in danger,
but there’s nothing to do. We have the beach and sometimes new people
pass through, but it’s not like anything really cool is going on. Unless
you count the fact that you guys decided to show up.”
seemed perplexed by this, unsure what to say. The final bell rang out in
the halls, releasing students from their classes. You were about to
turn around when she called out your name.
“When you get home, pack what you need to travel on a long journey. I’m picking you to be the human representative.”
didn’t get the time to ask any questions, though. Before you knew it,
she was gone, and you were being pushed to the front of the school by
the oncoming stamped of students, rushing to get home.
Telling your parents was difficult. You were an only child, and your
parents were very scared of losing you. It got even worse when a
government agent swung by to give you a list of things to pack, as well
as some other items you couldn’t normally buy without some sort of
clearance. These items included a gun, a handbook about intergalactic
politics (for dummies!), a small list of emergency numbers that would
get you in contact with NASA over long distances, and a phone that was
specifically made for your position. A regular phone wouldn’t function
once off the Earth, so this one was built just with high-tech
modifications so it would last. Despite this, it looked practically
normal, a lot like an IPhone, in fact.
It wasn’t long after that
Uros and Orotorco came to pick you up. Orotorco seemed genuinely sorry
for your parents, trying to comfort them by assuring them you’d be well
taken care of. You watched numbly as some bodyguards carried out your
luggage, all of them in a unifying black uniform. You only snapped out
of your dazed state when you felt that familiar cool hand on your back,
Uros looking at you with worry.
“This won’t be forever…right? I can come back to visit?”
She nodded, “Yes, you’re not our prisoner or anything. You’re free to
return here when your duties don’t keep you from doing so.”
it was finally time to go, you gave your parents a final parting
goodbye and followed Uros onto a small ship of sorts. You felt tears
well up as you looked out the window during takeoff, your mother curled
into your father’s chest with grief.
You simply could not believe this was happening.
Orotorco’s booming voice caught your attention, seeming to sense your sadness.
“Sophia, is it?” He asked, “I promise we will do everything we can to make you feel at home here. You’re our only hope.”
“Why, though?” You asked back, “Why not someone else, like an actual diplomat.”
just sighed. “It’s complicated, you see. It has to do a lot with
physical makeup, as well as personality and upbringing. We couldn’t pick
anyone. It seems out of all of the people Uros surveyed, you were the
only one who met the standards we need in a representative.”
Your mind took this all in slowly. Was it really that specific?
“….Ok, so what do I have to do, exactly?”
“Right! I completely forgot to tell you about that, didn’t I? Me and my
kin only chose one ally per generation, so this is a very sought out
position by many other species of alien.” He explained, seeming a bit
more cheerful. “You will speak on behalf of your planet when working
with us, and when the time is right, you will help bring the next
generation of my kin into the world.”
You paused for a minute. “Wait, back up. What does that last part mean? ‘Bring the next generation of kin into the world’?”
Orotorco seemed confused, “Ambassadors usually bear children for royalty on my planet. Is it not the same on Earth?”
“No, not at all!” You said, alarm clear in your voice. “Where did that come from?”
“A government agent you spoke to was supposed to brief you on this…I’m afraid there may have been a miscommunication.”
Your head spun as you thought about it. You didn’t want kids! Who was
even going to be the father? How was this going to work? They were
bug-like and huge in comparison to you…
“Who….Who is my partner.”
Uros spoke up in her usual honey-like voice, seeming a bit embarrassed herself.
It was too much. Without as much as a second thought, you fell over,
your world going dark in a matter of seconds as both Uros and Orotorco
called out to you. The last thing you remember is cool hands supporting
your body, begging you to stay awake.
(Chapter 1- End)
My name is O, and this is my first fic being submitted here. This is
defiantly going to be multi-chapter, but I promise there will be some
good pregnancy/oviposition shit going on up in here! Next chapter should
come out soon, I’m a pretty quick writer.
My NSFW blog is or-beez, but its pretty empty rn. Feel free to hmu there if you want though!
Next season I just really need an episode where the boys are searching some back-woods rundown shack when a rather large spider crawls out of a drawer or something; and Sam is like "Ew" and walks away, but Dean is freaking the fuck out, shooting at the thing, contemplating getting the grenade launcher and blowing the entire house up, or at least summoning a demon to come outta Hell and eat it, fury legs and all -- when Cas walks in, scoops it up and tosses it out the window like "I came back from the dead for this shit???"
I know we’ve all had over a year to get used to this kid’s take on the character, and two to wrap our heads around the concept of Homecoming in the first place, but it really is worth reflecting again for a moment on how this movie is impossible. This movie can not be. Spider-Man’s over there, and the X-Men are over there, and the Avengers are over here, and we all knew from day one of Feige & companies’ grand experiment that never the twain would meet. Hell, it wasn’t even just box office failure or negotiations that led to this, but the franchises’ sheer freak incidental connection to The Interview via Sony and therefore the North Korean hack a few years back, with the humiliating scope of how little Sony knew what they were doing with Spidey spilling out into the public eye and forcing them into a corner where they had to take the only realistic way out that everyone was also now yelling at them to do.
But, well, it happened, and in getting the biggest character they could under their umbrella, Marvel Studios had to take on what must have been an almost unthinkable degree of pressure with this flick. Because with this, they had to:
1. Do a movie with an exponentially more popular character than they’d ever handled before.
2. Do the sixth movie in this characters’ series and make it distinct, without moving him into wildly new narrative territory because they want to bank on the preexisting affection for him.
3. Handle this characters’ second reboot in a decade, when the last one was already getting reboot fatigue complaints.
4. Establish this character not just as a successful new franchise like Doctor Strange or Ant-Man, but as the guy who they’ve all but publicly announced they’ll be positioning as the central figure of their $11 billion and counting cinematic universe once Evans and Downey leave.
5. Do all this knowing that if they fuck it up out of the gate they might not necessarily have a second chance to get it right, Sony might just take their ball and go home.
So…it’s fair that I wasn’t expecting too much here, right? Not that I thought it would be bad by any means, but the trailers weren’t exactly blowing me away, they weren’t going to address Uncle Ben which meant the arguable biggest underlying idea of Spider-Man - his overwhelming guilt - wasn’t going to be in here, they were shortchanged a lot of Spider-Man’s biggest stories between wanting to avoid the previous ones and Sony wanting to play hardball with the villains (whether in the hopes of prodding Marvel to fork over a billion or two to buy Spider-Man back outright, or because they’re genuinely dumb enough to think that after all this they can really make a successful solo Venom/Kraven/Mysterio/Black Cat/Silver Sable movie series), and it had an untested director and like six writers. By all indications, this was going to be a very conservative, standard-issue, focus-tested-to-hell-and-back MCU flick where they’d play it fairly safe while integrating him into the larger universe and giving Tom Holland a chance to charm audiences into accepting him, and hopefully all involved would try something a little ballsier for the sequel. No crime, understandable given the circumstances, but they’d have a lot of work to do later on.
This is the first great Spider-Man movie.
Some obvious caveats there: yes, the first two Raimi films are great superhero movies, but as far as I’m concerned that the dude in there is named Peter Parker and wears Spider-Man’s costume is a complete coincidence. They’re the endpoint of a very particular, masochistic strain of thought on the character as defined by pain and isolation - rather than being a dumb teen who thinks the world is constantly shitting on him, because he’s a dumb teen and of course he thinks that - losing in the process most of his charm and energy in favor of framing him as sainted, suffering martyr to New York’s sins. The Amazing movies on the other hand had a basically perfect Spidey in Andrew Garfield, the embodiment of the frustrated, funny, cocky, eventually decent Parker of the original Lee/Ditko years, but he and Emma Watson’s great Gwen Stacy were embedded in some overall crappy movies, which had the unfortunate side-effect of rendering that interpretation of the character radioactive for the time being.
This, on the other hand?
Not to too dramatically oversell what happened here - this isn’t an all-timer hall of fame entry to stand alongside your Dark Knights or Logans. They didn’t take any bold, outlandish risks with it either; this isn’t any more of a deviation from the tonal norm for these movies than, say, Winter Soldier. It’s got flaws to be sure: a couple characters don’t get the time and development they probably deserve (especially Zendaya’s Michelle, who it feels like the writers wanted to invest with a little more of a sense of character development by the end than she’d been given), the plot definitely isn’t as tight as it could be, and the music’s nowhere near as good as the trailers and early parts of the movie would have you think. But it’s a damn fun and funny movie with a lot of heart and palpable stakes, anchored by a take on its hero that, rather than going for a more generic “goofy savior” cartoon-style version I was expecting, ends up pretty heavily and thankfully indebted to Brian Bendis’ original run on Ultimate Spider-Man. It’s a Spider-Man who really does always want to do the right thing and doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but at the same time he’s shortsighted as hell and driven by a boundless need to prove himself for the sake of both spite and a hope of acceptance, mixed with low-grade resentment of his circumstances that gives him just enough of an edge to feel like an actual teenager. Left without the option of talking about his sense of responsibility in terms of guilt, the filmmakers wisely chose to instead blur the line between where his sense of heroism ends and his self-interest begins and ask how far he’s really willing to go in favor of the former, and what kind of strength there actually is in him when it truly comes down to it after a whole movie’s worth of him essentially treating superheroism as an after-school gig.
Speaking of him as a teenager, boy all the high school stuff was great in this one. Maguire and Garfield both paid lip-service to that material as a necessary component of his youth, but speaking as someone only a few years out of those days, this absolutely felt authentic. The crappy announcements, the deliberately weird kids who clearly think they’re better than everyone else, the assholes, no one really knowing yet how to keep themselves in check emotionally, the low stakes that are still at that point the most important thing in your world - even the physical classrooms felt real (I got some serious nostalgia seeing those stacked chairs in the visibly repurposed music room, or the gigantic hall pass). It’s as petty and small-scale as Peter’s time as Spider-Man largely is, and therefore can integrate into the plot as an important part of what’s going on far more easily than ever before, even aside from being the source of a ton of excellent bit players like the teacher in charge of the debate team. The larger characters by and large do just fine too; Tomei’s warm and funny as May, Harrier does a solid job as Liz Allen (especially considering that while she’s the love interest and ends up pretty important plot-wise, they never cheap out try and position her as some true love figure when she and Peter barely know each other), Batalon is fun as hell as Not Technically Ganke, Zendaya steals her scenes even if I get the impression there might have been some meatier work left on the cutting-room floor, Downey is Downey, Favreau as Happy Hogan does a great job essentially taking Jolly Jonah Jameson’s place as the dickish, unreasonable authority figure in Peter’s life, and Keaton is scary as hell with just enough screwed-over “how dare you take what I’ve earned” resentment in the vein of many of USM’s better villains to make him feel like a real guy. And you saw Civil War, you already know Holland’s basically perfect.
There’s a dozen other bits I’d love to go into - like how much mileage they pull out of him not operating in Manhattan proper, or how well the seemingly out-of-place tech actually ends up working, or any number of great moments - but I’d prefer to keep this largely spoiler-free. Suffice it to say that the trailers, which already indicated a pretty decent time at the theater, were misleading: as much as they showed they really did leave a lot of the best out, and what they kept generally works far better in context. To be sure there’s room for improvement in the next one, but this was a far better reintroduction and recontextualization of the character than anyone had any right to expect, and it absolutely does the heavy legwork of setting him up as an engaging figure for the MCU to believably end up pivoting around in years and movies to come. Upper-tier Marvel to be sure; somehow they did the impossible and managed to actually earn a title that brazenly cheeky as hell. Sony, for once you made the right call with Spider-Man.