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drunk interrogations
  • Vex, gasping with realization: Do you have drawings? Have you drawn things from there?
  • Garmili, after a brief pause, kind of shyly: I've sketched a thing or two.
  • Scanlan, gasping, intrigued: Which page?
  • Percy: *flips through the pages*
  • Keyleth, prying with a grin: Tell us, tell us.
  • Mercer: You take a moment to scan through and there were all sorts of creatures, all drawn stupidly. Many with, like, extra private parts coming out of shoulders and stuff-
  • Percy, while perusing, somewhat dismissively: How would that even work?
  • Garmili, pointing: Ah-em, it's around page 163-4ish...
  • Percy: *quickly flipping through the pages while Keyleth looks over his shoulder*
  • Keyleth: *peeking through her fingers wide-eyed at some of the drawings*
  • Keyleth, covering her face and smiling: Oooh, Garmili, you have a dirty mind.
  • Mercer, continuing: And there are creatures all throughout, but at that page in particular you see what looks to be a lanky tall humanoid that is just oozing, kind of a black, thick, like viscous tar. It's shaded in a way where it looks like it has that type of glaze that only thick oil like substances really give off.
  • Percy, impressed: It really is very good work.
  • Mercer, once again: And it's just dragging this absolutely unnecessarily large dong-
  • Everyone else: *bursts into laughter*
  • Mercer: -behind it about four feet, and just- Every picture looks pretty good, to a point. And you're like, 'Aw, really?'
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The Terminator has a huge dick and I refuse to believe otherwise

One of my favourite movie scenes of all time is the one in Terminator 2 when the Terminator walks into that bar butt-fuck naked and that bunch of bikers try to threaten him.

I love that scene because at no point does anybody assume the Terminator is anything but a crazy, incredibly buff naked man. This means that the Terminator must have a penis because if it didn’t someone in that biker bar would have been all like “hey, that guy has no dick, what the fuck is up with that?”. This means that Skynet must have designed every Terminator to be anatomically correct. 

Now in every movie where the Terminator walks around naked, every human male it encounters goes out of their way to avoid staring at its dick and my theory about why is that the Terminator’s dick is so humongously huge that everyone feels uncomfortable looking at it. 

A popular theory about why the Terminator looks like a 6ft 2 inch tall Austrian bodybuilder when it’s disguised as a human, when it’d make more sense for it to look like a regular, non giant bicep owning man if it’s entire purpose is to blend in, is that it’s an intimidation technique. Essentially, Skynet designs the Terminators to look like perfectly chiselled, impossibly perfect versions of the human form so that the emaciated remnants of humanity see them and feel inadequate. By this logic, it would stand to reason that Skynet would give Terminators massive penises to intimidate humans. 

Alternatively, my personal theory is that when it was designing the human flesh-suit it was going to wrap around the T-800, Skynet researched human penises on what was left of the internet so that it could blend in if it was ever caught without clothes. Chances are all Skynet would have found would have been porn, which usually features large-donged men and as a result, would have given the Terminator a similarly, cartoonishly ginormous wang. 

Either way, the there’s like a 90% chance the Terminator has a giant, world-destroying penis and I felt like everyone needed to know about it because I can no longer justify the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about this without writing it down.