lanturing

low key depression:

putting off going to bed at night because you don’t want to wake up and do the same shit all over again the next day

waking up in the morning but putting off getting out of bed because you don’t want to face the day

mentally and emotionally tired all the time, fed up/frustrated/disgruntled with everything

Copy and paste the last sentence you wrote, then tag as many people as there are words in the line.

From @incognitajones!

The last sentence I wrote:

Jyn knew him, better than anyone would guess from the bare facts in their files, and without any proof of it, she knew that he would never expose anything that might be used against him.

haha, okay *deep breath*

tagging (if you want!): @lotesseflower, @nanyoky, @steinbecks, @manicpixiedreamwyn, @heckofabecca, @sqbr, @fradine, @houseofhaleth, @kareenvorbarra, @crocordile, @tulinlina, @nelayn, @squirrelwrangler, @ameliarating, @yavieriel, @kaoriva, @fialleril, @thatvolyova, @him-e, @ncfan-1, @vardasvapors, @irresistible-revolution, @ladytharen, @leralynne, @brynnmclean, @operaticspacetrash, @gemofsphene, @gamvaq, @inkandcayenne, @lantur, @natashabucks, @quentyl@youcanbemyjohng, @notbecauseofvictories

It seems that I haven’t done one of these since last year and now that I have [redacted] followers, I thought it was time for another one.

VIPs

@a-bodacious-dude@adequatequeer ❤ @blufeniix@humanpolarbear  ❤ @hush-hush-antitime ❤ @lantur ❤ @marcusfeniix ❤ @masksarehot@mercy-angel-09 ❤ @mushishitposter ❤ @omgyourestoopid ❤ @plinys@queerpunzel@squarecutorpearshape@tisiphon@tylerjosefph@valkerymillenia@vaticidl@voubledision@wontstopslipping

A - D

@221bbarricade @academiefranglaise @acclimatizations @addinfinitumtemporarily @adult-sasuke @agontcarter @agooduniverse @akacosima @amorrpropio @andivegotyoudown @angry-dragon-lady @anotherkidwithissues @articulatelycomposed @ashleyssmashes @a-very-timely-tale @aynde @awkieren @bandperks @baffoonish @baozikkie @bean–man @b-l-u-rr-e-d @boguming @britishboysandbooks @buckybzrnes @bvcky-winchester @bxmeto @calabozos @charmingviolence @chewbbacca @christmasevans @clodofthenewworld @coffeeisoxygen @courthousetherawr @companionofthepast @criminalreid @currentqueenofhell @dailyjackfalahee @deadstarkks @definitive @descendantof @disneyismyescape @doctoryoupromisedme @dothethunderthing @dracofidus @dramaticwatermelon @drunksteverogers @dunsparsee

E - K

@ejgibbo @elizabeth-the-third-official @englishpony @falaheejackoff @fallenobsidian @fiilm-fatale @firelordvoltron @fireworksphan @forestchorus @freshmemes-saddreams @gatsbypadilla @generalpooky @girlslovefeminists @goddammitstacey @gvardianangel @hannigramcracked @harmonyavenue @harrypottergif @heartsontheeverglow @herr-doctor @heyytoughguy @hitwitch @hoechobrien-addicted @holtzmannedbby @horchatita @howtogetawaywithcoliver @huntingmyths @indecisivegeek @inflationaryuniverse @infinitypeggys @infrem @itsagifnotagif @itsallanoxymoron @jamstains @jasonderulno @jimhawkinns @jingyans @jiubilee @joshpeck @justlaugh-please @justsayyoulikewtk @keetuhh @kelcxbelc @khaleesee @knowsplaces @korracrat

L - R

@legolifesaver @leiasorgana @lexithebookworm @lifeisfantasmis @likeheyitsdibbles @littlehealersenna @lochnessmonster @lovewhenthereisnone @luifcer @lukeksywalker @marveljessica @masta-pasta @mathiashelvars @meaghanweirmier @memelordniall @messier51 @mishasfingers @missabigailhobbs @moonshard1997 @multifanclom @mydita @myphanicatthedisco @notmymartellshbo @officialwhitegirls @ohblueski @onesies @pangea27 @patrcolvs @patronusaurus @pawneeismyhome @periaptly @perinanth @pocketpadfoot @poetryandoldermen @poufkimashoula @prince-pratdragon @princess-nipples @puffballmush @punkerbones @queendaenerys @queen-mely @queenofhellbitch @ramblesandreblogs @rareandradiant-maiden @realityfantasyme @redpooch @reyrey902 @rosheen27 @rubyannetuesday @rxvenclaw

S - Z

@savageborn @sckywalker @selmarosa @sexpai @shinmaya-aka-fred @siempre-septiembre @singingklaine @sireniae @skybluekoneko @slytherinmattmurdock @smalldragonsdammit @somebodytolovemp3 @soyouthinkyoucancat @streetbroetry @teamwefuckedup @techieoliver @tevlnters @the-autumn-soldier @the-chilly-soldier @thedaredevil @thenaebyrd777 @thestudyaesthetic @the-wonggirl @thiscouldgetawkward @tickleyourfaceoff @tinyasianming @tinyasianming @tietjvns @toffeenee @tomcavanagh @toshspot @tothebitterbetterend @trenchcoatlove @triptomymind @unadulteratedragon @vaintrubs @velocijazzy @violetchachkii @vylanveck @wantedheda @washingtonjc @wearefine @wherehaveallthecowboysgone @willgrahamsdogz @wolfsbanecritic @wonderbound @worthyourtears @wxntersolder @yennfer @yohoyohoadisneylifeforme @yuugao818 @zombb-8 @zukosgay @zureevah

Thank you everyone for bringing quality content to my dashboard! I appreciate the mix of fandoms on my dashboard and all of you make me smile :D

lantur said: What are the physical differences between how you envisioned book Snape, and movie Snape?

Book Snape as I envision him is far lankier and more….angular. I always imagined he was a bit more bony. Also, more unkempt and unpleasant looking. Rickman is simply too robust and handsome looking. Not to mention 30 years too old for the role (I love me some older men, but Snape was only in his 30s for the duration of the books…and when you think about it, that’s distressingly not all that old :/ ).

He also looks way too soft around the edges and he’s way too well groomed. His sleeves and robes and hair are almost always in perfect order. Book Snape doesn’t even pay enough attention to do so much as wash his hair or brush his teeth, so dressing immaculately seems even less likely to be of concern to him.

Furthermore, my idea of book Snape is harsher in his actions and speech. Rickman sings every line, whereas while book Snape can make some sexy speeches when he feels the urge/need, he also snaps and yells and snarls a lot. Rickman’s Snape keeps his cool way too well with the students, while book Snape lashes out pretty regularly.

Idk, I think Rickman did a fantastic job, but the movie version of Snape is way too smooth around the edges in both appearance and mannerism.

When I first read the first couple books as a kid before the movies were cast, I had a VERY distinct idea of Snape. Even at a young age, his movie interpretation frustrated me because of it. Rickman is wonderful, but he’s a cleaned up, softened up version of the man we see in the books.

3

My current work wig color is black, and my social wig color is dark red. I get a LOT of compliments on the dark red wig. I never thought I could pull off dark red with my brown skin but it seems to look good.

I’m currently thinking of dark purple. I don’t know whether to make the plunge and do it. 😨

I’m really feeling beat down by my PCOS, which has affected every single aspect of my life since I hit puberty at 11 years old. I put a brave face on and I’m like “Yeah! It’s cool!” about going bald and having to wear a wig every day to look normal since I was 20 years old. I’m like, yeah, shaving my face like a man does is totally normal!!! Yeah, it’s a totally normal and doable part of my everyday life to restrict my calories to 1200 a day and exercise one hour+ a day to manage my insulin resistance/weight with PCOS!!! That doesn’t stress me out at all!!!!! This condition makes my anxiety disorder and MDD even worse but I’m dealing with it through maintaining a healthy lifestyle, getting a lot of sleep and exercise and healthy food etc!!! 

Well, the truth is, it’s fucking hard and it’s grinding me down. It’s not the most happy or positive thing to share, but PCOS has affected every part of my life day to day, and it has done truly irreversible damage to my body image since I was 11 years old. Dealing with it and its assorted symptoms is a huge fucking process EVERY SINGLE DAY and I feel like I’m dragging around this stupid unwanted visitor with me all the time. I always feel like I’m this picture of “coping” and “living a successful life despite major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and PCOS” but the truth is it is DIFFICULT for me to cope with all these symptoms of PCOS, both mental health/emotional health and physical symptoms.

I fucking hate PCOS. I hate it.  

GUESS WHO ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED IT AT HER CONFERENCE TODAY

THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S ME!!!!!!

I was like a machine today, you guys. I was like a god. A legend. 5:30 AM I was awake. 6:45 AM I was getting an iced mocha from Caribou Coffee. At 6:55 AM I was eating the whipped cream out of my iced mocha with a straw while in my car, like a weirdo.

7 AM I was in the doors of the event center setting things up. 7:30 - 8 AM I was greeting the pharmaceutical companies that had donated money to the event and my partners at the university, 8 AM - 9 AM I was helping register the 250 people that attended the conference. 

9 AM my partner from the university and I addressed our opening remarks to the huge crowd! We had three speakers, two movement disorder specialists and one speech-language pathologist, and a panel of four movement disorder specialists taking questions from the audience over the lunch hour.

I, me, personally, got SO MANY COMPLIMENTS from everyone from the audience, the pharmaceutical company sponsors, the infamously critical board of directors, my amazing cool boss who gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me, and the entire movement disorder department at the university, including the chair and the co-chair, and the administrator of the department!!!! THEY thanked ME for letting THEM work with ME on this event and said they wanted to partner with me again to do this next spring!!! The director of the department thanked ME in his closing remarks!!! My partner and co-event-coordinator from the university said I was a delight to work with!!!

It went so perfectly, you guys. It went so smoothly. I looked at the crowd and the event and I was like, I did this!!!! I was in the zone. 

I was just. The happiest I have been all year. I called my parents when I got home and I was just like screaming on the phone because of how well it went. My co-event-coordinator and I have been planning and promoting this event for five months, and it is WONDERFUL to have it done and have it be a success. 

I loved, loved, LOVED the diversity in Wonder Woman. The supporting characters included Sameer, an Indian man, and Chief, a Native American man, and you hardly ever see Indian and Native American people as the immediate supporting gang in a movie! There were black Amazon warriors and a senator, and background Indian characters in regular scenes!!! 

I loved it because as an Indian, normally there are no Indian characters anywhere lmao

I’m really disappointed in myself. I have been staying on top of exercise and cooking at home/eating healthy but I feel like all my other stuff is falling apart.

I keep going to bed way too late at like 11:30 pm.

I haven’t steam mopped the floors in my room in a month or more and there’s cat paw prints all over the hardwood floor.

I get all my work done but I’ve been going to work at odd hours, I was two hours and fifteen minutes later than my official start time today and an hour later than my usual, actual start time. (Cool boss works in a different building than me so there’s no one to notice whether I come in at my designated 7 AM start or not - I usually get in at 8:20.)

My Tumblr queue ran out and I haven’t filled it back up.

I haven’t been on a date or chatted with anyone new on tinder in a month.

I really got to get my shit together starting with going to bed at 10:30 pm but it’s so hard. I feel so burned out between work exercise and trying to maintain a social life there’s like nothing left for other stuff.

Yesterday I made a new friend by accident at the boxing gym. :) She’s an Indian girl and she walked up to me to say hi because that’s the unwritten rule of being Indian in Minnesota, since there aren’t too many of us here. I noticed that she had on a University of Arizona t-shirt, and I freaked out a little like “Did you go there???? Because I went there too!!!” and it turns out she just moved here from Tucson, like me. :) 

There was a pina colada slushie social after boxing class and we drank slushies together and exchanged contact information. :) She seems really cool and a lot like me! (Which sounds really vain.)

We’re going to go to the AM boxing class tomorrow and then get brunch afterward! I’m excited to have a new friend and she is too, since she’s brand new to the state and doesn’t know anyone. I’ve been there, man, and I want to help.

Today was weird. Train guy got in touch with me (after the flake out last week) to ask if I wanted to go to an improv show tonight. I said yes, and asked what time it started. He said “Probably 6:30-7 pm. I’ll confirm.” 

This was at 9 AM and I texted him at 4:24 PM like, “Hey, did you find out the time for the thing tonight?”

No response.

It’s actually…a little uncharacteristic of him to be THIS much of a flake to me. Last week’s incident and this week’s incident are completely unusual in the year+ we’ve known each other. I’ve always known him to be very absentminded, but not to this extent. I almost wonder if he’s okay, I almost worry if there’s something going on, but then I remember, it’s not my problem. I wonder if I should reach out as a friend in case there is something amiss but I don’t know.

So, yeah, excited about my new friend! A little worried about my old one. 

It’s just funny, though, I met train guy totally by accident on the train and I met Arizona Girl totally by accident at the boxing gym. Life is amusing and unpredictable like that. It’s a cliche, but it’s true - you never know who you’re going to meet. 

We have a bit of a Situation here at Casa Lantur. Earlier this evening Post Office and Roommate broke up unexpectedly. I feel terrible for Roommate and sad because the three of us had so much fun together. I felt like we were a family. Now Post Office won’t come around, at least for a while, and Roommate is sad. She deserves better than to be sad. She was so happy with Post Office and they were together almost a year.

I feel so bad because I used to wish there was a way she’d stay my roommate and I was worried for the day she and Post Office would move in together. Be careful what you wish for, I guess. It was so unexpected.

I told her I would be there to support her and we watched Buffy, her favorite show, together tonight.

Feeling really burned out on work. I’m tired of the evening hours and the weekend hours for patient educational events/outreach. I’m working two Saturdays this month alone. Between now and the end of the year, I’m going to have to work until 8:30-9 PM at least four more times. I’m tired of getting literally no appreciation from anyone outside of my cool boss and one of our supervisors higher up the ladder. 

This is going to sound terrible but 99.5% of the time the population we provide services for doesn’t ever say “thank you” or show appreciation for anything I do for patient outreach or educational events (which are what require me to work Saturdays or until 8:30 at night). It’s hard to not get burned out when things are like that.

I’m so stressed because I have large patient outreach/educational events that I’ve been organizing/planning and promoting pretty much back to back from mid-October, end of October, early November, mid-November, and early December. There’s no break from now until early December basically. And of course there’s the pressure, internal and external, to make sure each of those events has at least 100 people attending. I do everything I can to promote those events to the population we serve and still seeing them not sign up for the educational programs is stressful and difficult and upsetting because it’s their right not to come, of course, but it’s MY job to make sure people come.

I feel like internally I’m on the verge of crying because of stress and burned out but at work I always have to be like HAPPY!!!! To serve the public!!!! 

I am grateful for the time I spend with my friends, which gives me a respite from work. I really need a vacation. I’m going to see my parents in California from November 21-November 28 and celebrating my birthday on the 26th with them, which will be nice. 

I’m just :( really struggling right now with this stuff. 

Between movie night on Friday, seeing @004mog yesterday AND knowing that we can keep seeing each other regularly in the future, maybe even every month, and spending time with Roommate last night and my wonderful trip to Duluth today with Arizona Girl & Co., I had a wonderful weekend. It was amazing. Sitting in the dark with a candle lit with friends watching Get Out on Friday and talking in the dark, sitting with @004mog on a gray and rainy day and eating spicy Indian food, drinking warm apple cider and listening to Pentatonix and looking at fall foliage as we drove into Duluth early this morning.

I felt this way when I was with @emberglows earlier this summer too. I felt happy. And I’m so not used to feeling happy. I was so depressed that I didn’t feel more than fleeting happiness until last year. I felt happy in moments when I was petting my dog or with @masksarehot and @kobresias or eating with my parents but out of that I felt suicidal most of the time, literally spending my life waiting to die and hoping every day when I woke up that I would die, and crying at night before going to bed that I still wasn’t dead yet.

I am still completely unused to being happy. It feels like a dream, like a movie, like something that is happening to someone else. It’s a mind blowing feeling that I can’t share with anyone else because they don’t understand just how depressed I was. I have seen both sides of the spectrum of emotion and when I was in my worst depression I could not have even imagined happiness.

Yesterday was pretty legit. I took a day off from boxing class because I was sooo fucking sore. Like I am slowly getting ripped but I’m really sore in the process.

I made a big serving of rajma (a kidney bean curry) for dinner for the next few days. I did eight chicken legs in masala on Saturday night and they lasted me until yesterday, Wednesday. After that I went for a nice evening walk with Roommate and then we settled in for dinner with Post Office to watch the original IT and see how it compares to the new one, which the three of us loved!

It was fucking terrible. The new one was superior in every way and I am so glad it was remade! Tim Curry’s Pennywise wasn’t even scary and was just…ridiculous in every way where the new Pennywise was frightening and unsettling. The only thing I liked about it was the relationship between the Losers Club, as children and adults. All the old movie did was make me really excited for Part 2 of the new one, when the kids are adults.

Tonight’s movie is The Shining. Which is one of my favorite books ever. I’ve never seen the movie so it should be interesting! I’m not expecting to be scared like I was with the 2017 IT though. :/ Something about older movies…just isn’t that scary. Is it the acting? The effects? The writing? Both? Anyway, it’s a Horror Fest Friday movie night, which means there’s an open invitation for other friends to join us, and we will have popcorn and Halloween candy and warm spiced apple cider. :)

Tomorrow morning is our big annual fundraiser at work. I’m bitter about it because I have to be up at 6 AM on a Saturday for it. The board of directors is working themselves up into a hysterical fit about the event, but I’m just going to sit at my literature and outreach table and mind my own business. 😒 There’s nothing worse than people getting all worked up about events that you don’t care for. Their frantic energy drains you, and you’re just like, please chill.

I just don’t like preparing outreach lit for events - you never know how much of each piece you’re going to use. Sometimes people barely touch your material when you prepare a lot of it and sometimes you run out when you prepare a lot.

Anyway…I love my roommate. I have never met anyone irl, outside of tumblr friends, that I feel this way about. When she’s not with Post Office and I’m not out and about/with other friends, we spend all of our time together, talking, cooking, watching Netflix and Ted Talks and we never get tired of each other. We share all of our food and meals and we’ll even eat out of the same pan. We have so much in common.

My time living with her has been so much fun and it’s made me so happy. After having lived alone for almost a year and a half, I infinitely prefer living with a close friend. It’s cost-effective and it battles loneliness, which is an epidemic and which I think causes and worsens mental health issues. 

This is my first time in a living situation like this and I honestly never, ever, ever, ever want to go back to living alone. I know eventually Roommate will move out to live with Post Office, once he gets his own place in a year or two. I REALLY hope that at that point, I can have another wonderful roommate. (Translation: I hope that by then, I can convince one of my tumblr friends/mutuals to find a job in the Twin Cities, move here, and live with me.) Aside from taking care of my cat, living with a friend has been the best part of my life as an adult. 

Yesterday I was gone all day so I spent time cuddling and hugging Jack the cat at the end of the night. He purred SO loudly, even louder than his usual purr, and rubbed his face on my hand constantly while looking intently into my eyes. He let me pick him up and hold him for longer than he usually lets me do that, and he purred and purred as he held onto my shoulder with his paws.

I really can’t believe there are some people out there that say “cats just love humans because humans give them food! They don’t love us like dogs love us!” like… what absolute bullshit. I’ve had a dog who adored me and a cat who loves me too.

There’s no better feeling than knowing your beloved pet loves you as much as you love them. ❤️ Jack has recently gotten into the habit of kneading my leg through the covers at night. It’s so sweet. He also curls up against my legs to sleep.