lake tyler

Falling Slowly

Pairing: Derek x Reader

Requested: Yes by anon

A/N: This took so long to write because I was considering writing it as a series but here you go and I really hope y’all enjoy it.

masterlist / coming soon

Originally posted by agsztrashbouquet


Watching the person you love falling in love with someone else right in front of your eyes, was hard. It hurt you emotionally and drained you physically, you watched as he absentmindedly placed his hand on her bare knee, he’d rub small love hearts against her skin, he’d whisper an inside joke into her ear and her giggles would fill the room. He’d glance at you, gulp nervously and shift awkwardly, removing the hand you were eying up and get back to what he was doing before.

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One of my favorite pieces & short stories I’ve ever done 💀

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—-

I’ve never been much of a writer. You could say I’ve always been a bit of a loud mouth. I’ve always said what’s on my mind the second it came to my mind but for some reason, I have trouble expressing to others what has been happening to me lately. And every time I do try to tell someone what’s going on, they discard it as nothing but I know now that this isn’t nothing.
It all started a couple weeks ago. Maybe three weeks or so when I decided to have a night in to myself and wanted a little bit of a thrill so I rented the movie Exorcism of Emily Rose. I’ve never been one to believe in the supernatural or heaven and hell but I’ve always been up for a good scare. The movie was so so but it definitely provided a dark vibe that carried on after the movie had ended. I also noticed that 3 a.m. had a particular role in this film and I knew that since I have now seen this movie that, of course, I would be waking up at 3 a.m. And sure enough, like clockwork, I woke up at 3 a.m. I was more annoyed than anything that I’d woken up in the middle of the night until I realized that my room was pitch black. I’m not talking about the pitch black where you can’t see anything but I’m talking about the pitch black where it’s blacker than pitch black. I don’t know how else to describe it. The only thing visible was the light on my alarm clock telling me what time it was. I reached out to turn on the lamp plugged in on my nightstand when it sounded like something was digging through my garbage can next to the nightstand. The hairs on the back of my neck froze because whatever was digging through my garbage can was digging with pure intensity. Almost like it was looking for something but also as if it were trying to distract me. I laid there for what felt like eternity until I jumped out of bed, over my nightstand and garbage can, and basically punched a hole through the wall trying to turn the light on. I wasn’t about to use a little nightstand lamp to light my room. I needed light everywhere. And the second the light turned on, I whipped around to see my garbage can had been pulled to the center of my room. It hadn’t been tipped over or spilt and all that was inside was a few different pieces of paper. The digging had also stopped the moment the light had been turned on and I couldn’t find an explanation for the digging or the garbage can being in the middle of the room. I have no pets, the ceiling fan wasn’t on, and no rats or pests (as far as I know). I told this story to some friends and they all said it sounded like I was having some kind of sleep paralysis or night terror and I agreed with them. I chalked it up to nothing more than my late night imagination playing tricks on me.
This all changed last night when I woke up unable to move and at what I’m assuming was 3 a.m. again. I’d thought about what my friends had said about sleep paralysis but I could swear I felt someone crawling over the top of me. They were making their way from my toes to my face. It felt like eternity! Every time I tried to scream it felt like the air was being sucked from my lungs. I was helpless. Feeling stupid for being scared of sleep paralysis but also terrified about the fact that it felt real. It felt like it was really happening and all of the sudden, I heard a click and it went away. The second it went away I could move again, sat up in bed, and realized that the click was my clock turning from 3 a.m. to 3:01 a.m. This would have mostly just been some kind of terrifying coincidence if I hadn’t looked forward at my window to see a woman standing in my yard FACING ME. I went cold and rubbed my eyes and just like in your cliche scary movie, she was gone. I didn’t sleep a wink for the rest of the night.

Currently it’s 3 a.m. again and I now know it isn’t sleep paralysis or night terrors. This is real and it happened faster than I could have imagined. I know this because she’s standing in front of me. Just standing there, holding my intestines and reflecting the orange light from the fireplace. Her face is black with shadow but I can see the fire reflecting off her pupils. She’s just standing there. She’s letting me write this. I think she wants me to write this but I don’t know how much longer I can go. My pencil feels like a sledge hammer & the rest of me is cold and numb. I hope someone can decipher what I’m trying to say because I can barely read this through my blood. I’ve tried to crawl to the phone but my insides keep getting in the way. I don’t know if there’s much else for me to do. I can only sit her—
EGO VENIAM POST TE
EGO VENIAM POST TE
EGO VENIAM POST TE

anonymous asked:

Can we get some fluff tythan? Like a date to a park with flowers and light kisses?

THIS IS SO FUCKING LATE IM SORRY BUT UH ITS REALLY LONG SO CONTENT SIZE OVER BEING ON TIME?? I LOWKEY STRAYED REALLY FAR OFF TOPIC BUT HH @korieriddle

-let’s pretend that LA has actual seasons like here on the East Coast or Europe
-Tyler and Ethan go on walks to the park nearly every day, for either a casual stroll or a date
-They always hold hands, unless they’re out for a run (or if it’s summer)
-They bring Chica with them whenever they can
-The park has a giant pond with ducks that Ethan likes to feed
-The park management gets pissed about the fact that they’ll climb the trees all the time

Spring
-Tyler likes to take advantage of the nice days and will often drag Ethan out for a morning run
-Tyler carries tissues in case Ethan reacts badly to the pollen
-During the day, Ethan loves to take pictures of the flowers and the baby ducklings
-He always gets too close to the young birds and the parents will angrily chase him so he jumps on Tyler like “run fucking run”
-Tyler is actually surprisingly good at making flower crowns and bracelets and will pick buttercups and daisies to string them together
-Tyler will also bring him actual bouquets of flowers
-When the wind picks up, the cherry blossoms will fly everywhere like snow and they’ll sit under the trees while Chica happily runs around
-Them kissing under all the blooming trees
-After a movie date they’ll come to the park when it’s like dark and stuff because they can see the stars and it’s very quiet and peaceful
-Ethan secretly still plays Pokemon Go but you can hear the little ding whenever an egg cracks and he gets all flustered about it like “aaa sorry” but Tyler just kind of takes his phone out to show that he also has the app running
-Tyler pushes Ethan on the swing set and sometimes they’ll sit in one of those spinning things and see how fast they can make it go
-If the forecast says that there will be rain, Tyler will bring an umbrella for them to share
-When it just rains without warning they just kind of flit from tree to tree and they laugh a lot about it and when they get home they towel each other dry

Summer
-Ethan just wants to stay inside with the air conditioning because he’s still not used to hot summers
-Tyler makes them go out anyway, especially if he knows that Ethan will have a busy day recording ahead of him
-Tyler makes sure Ethan is absolutely covered in sunscreen so that blue boy doesn’t burn
-Ethan complaining about it a lot and refuses to let anything touch him because he is sticky and feels like the sun is out to kill him
-Tyler always packs a picnic with like sandwiches and cool drinks
-Ethan finds the absolute shadiest/coolest spot in the whole park and demands that they lay the blanket down there
-Tyler gets really calm when it’s hot so he’ll immediately take a nap shirtless and sometimes Ethan takes a nap with him but he usually stays awake to watch Chica
-Ethan has one of those handheld tourist fans (that don’t really do anything and are scams tbh) pointed at his face 24/7
-He lives for those small refreshing breezes
-Tyler’s actually lowkey really scared of bees and fireflies so he’ll quickly move away if one gets too close
-Meanwhile Ethan’s over here, letting them land on his skin and trying to convince Tyler that they won’t hurt him
-Tyler buys them ice cream and Ethan’s trying to eat his as fast as he cans because it melts so quickly
-Tyler’s like “this is why I got my ice cream in a cup” but Ethan argues that it’s not a proper scoop without a waffle cone
-The sun sets really late in the day so they stay out a lot longer than usual
-Sometimes the park has like? An outdoor movie thing? That they’ll go to at night and it’s really cute

Autumn
-Eth and Ty enjoying the leaves, taking pictures of each other in it, making leaf piles
-Tyler makes leaf crowns for himself because he thinks they suit him better than flower crowns
-Chica likes the leaves too
-During fall harvest festivals they go to those market things and buy autumn things
-Ethan makes Tyler buy him the biggest pumpkin and they eat squash soup or whatever
-Tyler buys those apples that taste the best in autumn and he makes his own apple cider out of them
-Ethan and Tyler on a hay ride and Ethan just tosses the shit everywhere
-Ethan gets too excited about Halloween tbh he starts singing the songs in September
-Pumpkin carving feat tythan in which Ethan aims for a scary face design and Tyler aims for like. A graveyard landscape
-Tythan going out to stores to pick out decorations and costumes for each other
-They get a couple costume because they’re cute like that (what ship though that’s the question I’m a big fan of Harley!Ethan but?? oh I knOW THEY TOTALLY COSPLAY AS SPIDEYPOOL because!!! Idk with the size difference I think it fits pretty good and ye acrobatic Ethan and heart of gold Tyler)
-Ethan being on a sugar high after eating all of the carefully sorted Halloween candy and Tyler’s just like pls it’s five go to bed
-Tythan getting ready for thanksgiving, just cooking together and stuff
-They try to make everything from scratch because it’s more fun tbh
-Tyler has a “kiss the cook” apron and he’s always pulling Ethan away when blue boy tries to taste the gravy or apple pies or whatever
-Ethan runs off with the cranberry sauce
-Thankful boys
-Walks in the park in the crisp autumn air in which the strong wind blows leaves everywhere
-Um idk if this happens in America but in Germany the young ones come out en masse and collect a bunch of chestnuts so I just want Ethan dragging Tyler out and forcing him to hold like a wicker basket while Ethan just excitedly darts around and comes back with armfuls of chestnuts
-“I’m not helping you prepare these” sure Tyler

Winter
-Ethan and Tyler cuddled up in blankets with mugs of hot chocolate (this is canon though bless)
-Chica enjoying the snow!! Ethan enjoying the snow (they both like catching snowflakes on their tongue)!! Tyler not enjoying the snow because he is cold but as long as Ethan’s there he’s happy
-Ethan is always pelting Tyler with snowballs and making snow angels and entire armies of snowmen
-Ethan makes a big snowman and just puts a beanie on it “it’s you Tyler”
-Them going ice skating over the frozen lake and Tyler being a very cautious boy while Ethan’s doing all of these tricks and going really fast because ice skating is big in Maine and he’s acrobatic I recommend him for figure skating
-Ethan holds Tyler’s hand like “it’s okay” but then he just drags him along because it’s easy on ice and Tyler’s like !!!!! Too fast
-Ethan’s nose and cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink in the cold
-Ethan steals Tyler’s beanies during the winter to keep his ears warm and buys both of them scarves with pictures of cacti or doggos on them
-Does America have Christmas markets? Idk but it’s basically like a bunch of outdoor stalls where you can buy a lot of things like semi precious stones and intricate wooden boxes and glass bird figurines and honey candles and there’s always Christmas music playing and a constant smell of Glühwein and frying Kartoffelpuffer it’s great
-But anyway tythan going to one of these and they hold hands while they browse the stalls
-They find a lot of cool things so basically Christmas shopping for the gang
-Mark’s house is honestly filled to the brim with mistletoe because they’re all little shits. The mistletoe is legit everywhere you can’t walk two steps without encountering another bushel of it (there’s some in the fridge too why)
-Tythan decorating the tree!!! And explaining the story behind specific ornaments because many ornaments will usually have some story tied to it
-Ethan excitedly running down to the stairs with Chica on Christmas morning and Tyler’s really tired like pls why
-New Years kisses!
-Ethan sledding down a hill and falling on his ass and when Tyler laughs at him Eth tries to tackle him so just laughing boys rolling around in the snow
-Tyler just wants winter to end tbh because while he’s a fan of the winter Starbucks flavors he doesn’t like the cold

Chapter Five

Player: Tyler Seguin – Dallas Stars

Prompt: The highly requested next chapter of Give Us a Chance. 

 Mentions: Jamie & Jordie Benn        

 Warnings: Angst & Cuss Words

 Preview: You studied his body language and the way he walked into the backyard. Even from this far, you knew you were watching a broken man.

 Characters: 2016 words.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four 

The masterlist is right over here

Originally posted by quaiders--mullet

You had been hiding out all day. Ever since Candace’s warning yesterday you found yourself on edge even in the safety of your own home. You tossed and turned all night, hardly getting a wink of sleep. You were currently standing in the kitchen absentmindedly washing dishes from lunch when a noise outside caught your attention. You picked up your eyes from the sink to look out the bay window.

And there was the Seguin family sitting on the back porch as the dogs ran around chasing a football. What you didn’t expect was seeing the Benn brothers throwing said football back and forth a heated game of monkey in the middle occurring.

 In this moment you realized you had missed them. Being best friends with Tyler, came being close with the pair and you hadn’t realized how much you missed them being in your life. You sighed.

 You continued to scan the backyard, looking for him. You didn’t see him, something inside you was sad that you didn’t. You didn’t know why; Tyler broke you. You took a deep breath and were about to turn around when their sliding glass door opened and there he was.

 You studied his body language and the way he walked into the backyard. Even from this far, you knew you were watching a broken man. The sparkling brown eyes you fell for years ago were dull and the smile that used to make the butterflies in your stomach flutter was gone with no trace of it ever being there in the first place.

 Once again, you felt sadness run through your veins. You wanted to pretend it was because you were looking at the man that broke your heart but you couldn’t even lie to yourself. You were just as devastated to see Tyler in the state he was in, and that broke your heart even more.

 “What you looking at Y/N?” Your brother asked quickly pulling you from your thoughts.

 “Nothing, it’s nothing.” You wiped the last of the dishes and stepped away from the sink just as your brother saw what was keeping your attention.

 He smirked as you tried to leave the kitchen. “Y/N, can you take this out to the boat, I forgot to put it back this morning.”

You knew exactly what he was doing and you weren’t amused. You knew he wasn’t going to give up on the situation so you snatched the bag from his hand and headed towards the back door. 

You stood in the front of the big glass door for a moment. You looked down at yourself examining what you were wearing. You were barefoot, your hair in a messy bun, wearing a pair of black leggings and an oversized long sleeve Dallas shirt. How fitting you thought to yourself. You hadn’t even realized the shirt but being that it was one of the last clean shirts you owned you had no choice but to slip it on this morning.

You placed your hand on the handle of the door, and suddenly it felt as if the door weighed a couple tons. You closed your eyes, took a deep breath and stepped outside.

 You had hoped you would make it to the dock and back without anyone noticing. Marshall and Cash had other ideas.

Tyler’s POV

 I walked outside to sit with my family. They had hoped a trip to the lake house would ease my mind. I had just played one of the shitiest seasons of my career, but could you blame me? I lost the love of my life and my best friend over a stupid mistake.

Y/N had ignored every way I tried to get in contact with her. I had lost her and I didn’t know how to get her back. I contemplated flying out to her but every time someone convinced me out of it. They would tell me to give it time or to give her space, but it was killing me.

 My family suggested coming out to the lake house to clear my head and maybe figure out what I was going to do. Jamie and Jordie offered to tag along. They were both concerned all season, and to be honest I think they wanted Y/N back in our lives as well.

 I sat down on the deck and looked towards the lake house her family owned across the yard. A light was on, and I felt my heart flutter. Was her family here? Was she here? Why didn’t my family tell me?

 I stood up and Candace seemed to read my mind.

 “Sit down Tyler.” She commanded placing a hand on my arm.

 I looked at her questioning what she knew without uttering a word.

 “Yes Ty, She’s here but you have to let her come to you.” She sighed looking down. “I saw her yesterday and she wasn’t the Y/N we all know and love. When she saw Marshall, I swore she was going to faint. I warned her you were coming and I could almost see all the color fall from her face. She looks like she hasn’t been doing much better than you.”

 My mom then joined the conversation. “I agree with your sister sweetheart. You need to let her come to you.”

 “But what if she doesn’t mom,” I questioned

 “She will Hun, just have faith.”

 Suddenly Marshall and Cash were running for the opposite end of the yard. And there she was. I watched as she froze when the dogs ran up to her. She slowly bent down to pet them both. When she finally looked up, I felt as if I had been hit by a truck.

 The beautiful eyes I fell for were sunken in, and I could almost see where the tear streaks looked as if they were permanently etched in her skin. She looked as if she lost weight and could barely stand on her feet. I wanted so badly to run to her, pick her up in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay. But I couldn’t. I was the one who did this to her, and it was more than I could bare.

 You froze as the two dogs began to lick your bare feet. You slowly bent down to pet them, offering them both a quick hello and pets. You looked up, frightened to see what was happening in front of you.

 All eyes were on you, passing you sympathetic smiles. Your eyes finally met Tyler’s and you swore you stopped breathing. He was just as still as you were. He looked as if he was taking you in, the sadness overcoming him as he turned and went back in the house.

 You offered everyone else a fake smile and continued down to the dock. You collapsed on the dock as soon as you knew you were out of sight. You were sobbing before you knew it. It had been over six months but it felt just as fresh as when it happened. You didn’t know how long you had been laying there, but before you knew it the sun was setting.

 You collected yourself and moved to the edge of the dock. You sat there admiring the sunset when you heard footsteps. You assumed it was your brother coming down to find you but when you turned around you almost fell into the lake.

 Tyler was just steps away from you now, his eyes were red-rimmed and you knew he had been crying.

 “Can we talk, just please.” He begged you, his voice cracking.

 Your heart ached for him. Even after everything he was still Tyler. You nodded, bringing your eyes back to the water. You swayed your feet watching the ripples as you felt the wood shift. You watched as two feet swayed mere feet away from yours. You sat in silence that felt so deafening you could hardly stand it but you couldn’t bring yourself to be the first to break it.

 Finally, Tyler did.

 “Listen Y/N, I know I messed up. I should have reacted better when that girl kissed me and if I could go back I would. There isn’t a day that I don’t regret it. It cost me you, and that’s something I can’t replace. I’m not going to sit here and beg you for your forgiveness or make excuses. I was wrong and I know it. Everyone told me I need to wait it out and let you come to me but after seeing you today, I couldn’t wait any longer. I’m not here to ask for you back or for you to talk to me, even though it is all I want in the world. I came down here to get you to promise me to take care of yourself. I know everyone is worried about you. You aren’t the Y/N I know and love. Your eyes are missing that shimmer it has when you talk about something you care about or your laughing at something that isn’t as remotely funny as you think it is. Your smile isn’t real, and your real one is one of the prettiest things about you. Your smile could move mountains. It makes anyone feel like they are the luckiest human being on the planet to witness anything like it. The world needs your smile. And I know you’re not eating. You have to promise me you’ll take care of yourself, please at least that. I can’t handle the thought of me being the reason this world is deprived of someone like you.”

 You were speechless. You could feel the salty tears burning your eyelid. You sat in silence for a few more moments before you felt the dock shift once more.

 “Just please, take care of yourself” Tyler repeated once more as he turned to walk back up the dock.

 “I don’t know how to be her without you.” You said suddenly causing Tyler to turn around.

 You looked up at him, allowing the tears to flow down your cheeks. “I don’t know how to be that girl without you. I don’t know how to live without you. I can’t remember life without you. And these months have been a living hell. I miss you as much as I don’t want to. I hate that I can’t be myself without you.” You found a sudden strength to stand and face him.

 I hate that you broke my heart, I hate that I lay in bed and watch every video on my phone of you, torturing myself. I hate that you can do this to me. I hate that you took a piece of me.” With each statement, you pounded into his chest. Tyler took each hit until finally, he grabbed your wrists as you broke down into sobs. “I hate that I don’t hate you in the least Tyler.”

 He allowed you to sob into him, lowering you both down until you were sitting on the dock.

You allowed yourself to sob into his arms for what seemed like forever. Finally, you glanced up at him, noticing his own tear streaks.

 “What are we doing Tyler?” You asked with a sigh standing up.

 “I don’t know Y/N.”

 You wiped your tears as he stood himself waiting for you to speak.

 You gulped, closing your eyes. “I know that I’m not completely okay with what you did but I also know that I can’t just keep pretending that you aren’t just a house away. I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder a fight. I just need more time.”

 “What does that mean?”

 “Friends?” you reached out your hand.

 He looked at you curiously. “Friends.”

 You shook hands and wiped yourself off.

 “Friends” you repeated as you made your way up the dock.

 You swore you heard him mumble, “For Now.”

things.

VERY long winded, updatey post in 3…2…1…

okay, so i had a bunch of things i wanted to catch up on here. feel free to disregard since it will be long, but these are things i wanted to remember and share. i’ve broken it up by topic so if you want to skip, please do lol.

wedding week

so my sister’s wedding was really beautiful, of course, i know i couldn’t/can’t shut up about it. the week of the wedding was a bit crazy but also really lovely too. tyler and sarah arrived on tuesday evening of that week instead of wednesday, so that was a nice change of plans which gave us bonus time together. that week, we spent hanging out, we went to somerville, we made crap for dinner, sat in the backyard talking, watching the birds & catching fireflies. it really was such a wonderful thing to have them here. a nice calming presence during a crazy time. on wednesday evening before the wedding, tyler and sarah went to see U2 in concert, so i spent the evening working on wedding things with christina. it was nice to have that bit of extra time with her before the big day. we had a minor issue where our washer was leaking and i was terrified that my dad was going to freak out, and it stressed me out since of course it was wedding week, but it all ended up being fine too. the leak ended up just coming from the hose that goes into the slop sink (which was also a bit clogged), so my dad fixed that and we were all set. that night, sarah had made the most amazing cookies, so after he fixed everything, he sat with us outside for cookies lol.

friday, we headed down to the venue fairly early. friday was probably the worst day for my anxiety, i could not calm down. i was so happy and excited but i just had this elevated level of omg almost constantly, so sarah suggested we go down a little early. tyler was able to sweet talk his way into checking in really early lol, and then we went into princeton for a bit to walk around before my family started arriving. back at the hotel, once everyone arrived, we got our things together, i stayed with my sister and the bridesmaids the night before the wedding, so we all dropped our stuff, got ready and headed to the rehearsal. there was a slight moment of panic because my sister told everyone the rehearsal started at 7, but it was actually 7:15 because she didn’t want anyone to be late, but people were getting cranky that the priest hadn’t arrived and my mom was trying to call to see if she could get ahold of anyone, but it ended up being fine because he was on time. the rehearsal ran long, the priest (same one who married me and pete) is a great guy but kind of long winded lol. we ended up being late to the dinner, but the best man called ahead and it was fine. tyler and sarah came to the rehearsal so they could see the space and then joined us at the restaurant but sat on their own (my sister and jimmy paid for the dinner themselves, but we’ve been to the restaurant with tyler and sarah before and we knew it was a safe place for him to eat), so it was nice to have them there to visit throughout the night. at the dinner, i read the poem that tyler wrote for my sister and jimmy and one of jimmy’s friend’s gave a speech… it was heartfelt, but he was a little tipsy and it was kind of all over the place and messy, but he was sweet. after the dinner, we headed back to the hotel. pete ended up staying with my parents, and i went back to my sister’s room with the girls. christina said a little something and gave us our gifts. her card was probably one of the best things. she also got us all cute beach towels, stemless wine glasses with our names on them, and each girl got a bracelet, and i got a necklace. very sweet. that night, i slept in the king bed with my sister, my cousin, hope, and my other cousin, allie, slept at the foot of the bed on the bench, it was kind of hilar. the rest of the girls slept down stairs, four on two air mattresses and two on the pull out couch.

in the morning, we all got up and hair and make up arrived. i LOVE getting my make up done and this was the same make up artist i used and my sister in law used so i was so excited. the hair girls were great too. i wasn’t thrilled with my hair at first, several of the girls weren’t but after everything kinda settled it was okay. i was bummed because the picture i showed my girl, isn’t really what she did. also, she tried to give me that bump it lift in the back and i was like, um no, that’s not me even on a fancy day lol. i am picky about my hair, i will admit and i almost wish i would have let the stylist do the braids and then curled it myself, but it came out fine and obviously that wasn’t the most important part of the day lol. my make up though, i loved. i seriously wish she could do my make up every day. anyway, after that we got dressed, tyler and sarah came around to start photos, my mom and i helped my sister into her dress - she looked so stunning. everyone was very emotional. we hopped on the limo (one of the girls stepped on her dress and put a hole in the chiffon as we got on the bus… oof, but it was fine, you could barely see it and she’s one of my sister’s more laid back friends, thank goodness), and headed to the church. there ceremony was absolutely beautiful. everyone cried at one point or another…i mean, EVERYONE. even my dad. which is like, so rare. it was truly one of the most emotional weddings i have ever, ever been to…there was someone crying at almost every point during the entire damn day and night lol. their vows were perfect, and everyone had been waiting so long for this moment. at the end of the ceremony, when christina and jimmy walked out, we were supposed to let the parents go first, but i am an idiot and larry (best man) and i walked out right after them… i didn’t even realize it at the time, but now i can’t stop stewing over my stupid mistake. but the priest fixed it so it wasn’t a huge deal…still feel stupid though. the receiving line was very emotional - that’s when my dad cried. my uncle came up to him and said something about my other uncle who passed away last year and they lost it (tyler got a picture and i was like, oh dear god my heart). the bridal party hopped on the bus back to the venue/hotel & tyler and sarah took christina and jimmy for those beautiful photos! when they got back, we took some bridal party photos out on the property and made inside just before it started storming - it was pretty awesome. cocktail hour under then tent in the rain, it was kind of magical. i barely ate, but what i tried was yummy. i mingled with family. i took a moment to go to the bathroom to compose myself before my speech and sarah noticed i left and followed me. she’s seriously such an amazing person and i was so grateful to have her there as a talented photographer, but also as family. anyway, cocktail hour ended, we all got announced and headed in. the dances were done (my dad spotted a rainbow through the window when he and my sister were dancing - magic!) and then came the speeches. i somehow, magically, held it together for mine…as soon as i said cheers though, the ugly sobs came for like 2 minutes and then i snapped back out of it. dinner and dancing were great. there was a photo booth so that was fun. there were a few issues with the venue…the AC broke and no one told my parents… and it was hot as shxt. also, they didn’t have a seat for jimmy’s younger brother and sister, who were both in the bridal party and they told my sister, which they should not have bothered her with that. they only gave cake to people who were sitting, so we never even got to taste it…and then, the thing that made my mom most upset, they were throwing away the favors! people were saying goodbyes at the end of the night and the staff just started throwing them away before people had the chance to take them - the handmade magnets we made from clay and painted and the cookies my mom baked…she was really bummed about that. but the rest of the wedding was great. the dj was a little…interesting, but people were dancing all night, so that was good. 

at the end of the night we got to do something extra special. just outside the cocktail hour tent there was a lake, tyler and sarah had noticed the tall grasses that lined the lake were brimming with lightening bugs…like, millions of them! so they stole christina and jimmy away, and invited us too and they got some incredible shots of them in front of the lake with the bugs twinkling in the background. they took several of me and pete as well, which was such a nice, special gesture, and a few of me & pete with tyler & sarah; all 4 of us together, it was such a special moment! i cannot wait to see those photos. after that, we went to the hotel bar for just a few since my sister and jimmy wanted us to join and then everyone headed off to bed. we had breakfast in the morning with everyone (first real meal i had eaten basically all week, i was finally relaxed enough to eat lol), so that was nice. then, we spent the early afternoon in princeton with tyler and sarah, getting coffee/tea at our spot where we always have the best conversations, and then hanging at a park for a few before we had to say our goodbyes. i cannot begin to express how amazing it was having them here and what a special thing it was to have them be involved in all of this. it was so great having them stay with us and we laughed so hard together and made a lot of wonderful memories. they are just the best. 

after we said goodbye and sent them off to the airport, we headed home to drop stuff off and then we went to my aunt’s house for a post-wedding picnic. she had done the same for us the day after our wedding, so we kept the tradition alive which was fun. we ate, talked, looked through the photo booth album, shared stories and jokes, played “narball” which pete, my sister and my cousins invited at my cousin’s graduation party a few years back, we had a slip & slide and a fire pit - it was a great end to the weekend. my sister and jimmy left for their honeymoon later in the week and they are having a blast it seems in kaui and then they’re headed to san francisco before they come home this tuesday. i miss them!

phobia/therapy

so, i started working on things before the wedding, meeting with the new therapist for the first time. i had, i guess, my third appointment with her the week of the wedding and that went well. i met with her again earlier this week and i’ll be seeing her for a standing appointment going forward (after next week, she’s away). the process is a lot, but i know this is a good thing. we’re actually getting more thoroughly into some things that happened when i was younger and i’m already starting to understand myself even more deeply which is good. i’m continuing to work on mindfulness, meditation, breathing, positive self image and self esteem too. this will all work to help the anxiety and the phobia too. i know this is going to take some time but i feel confident that i can do it. i also have worked on resourcing, so i have things to do, self care stuff, when things do get difficult. i am proud of myself for facing this and looking forward to growing during this process.

naturopath/health

i had my follow up finally yesterday. i was supposed to have it the wednesday morning before the wedding, but with tyler and sarah here, i thought it best to reschedule especially since it’s so far away. the drive there really sucks lol, but it’s definitely worth it. anyway, so the follow up went well. i am overall in a good place, feeling much better physically. i updated her on things we’d discussed and we reviewed what i’ve been eating/using/taking food and supplement wise, i had been following all of her advice. then we went over my blood work. so while, stomach wise, i am doing considerably better, she noticed some deficiencies, so i am beginning to put some new vitamins (a multivitamin plus additional vitamin d and iron, since i am low in both) into my routine to try to remedy that, as well as adding more variety and color to my diet - i had gotten so tentative about eating with my stomach issues and the phobia stuff, so it’s time to get back to my colorful choices. as far as dairy, since i didn’t notice anything significant one way or the other, she said it’s fine to have, but we both decided it’s best to continue to limit it, so i will continue to be mindful about dairy consumption going forward. it wasn’t too hard to eliminate it so, to keep intake on the lower side should generally be feasible. i will have blood work done just before i go back in two months and hopefully the vitamin deficiencies will have rectified by that point. if not, we’ll go from there, but we’ll see. hoping all of this continues to go well. i just want to be my best, happiest, healthiest self!

other/random

  • while tyler and sarah were here, tyler installed our outdoor nest cam and it has been AMAZING, so cool to have and i have an extra sense of safety with it, which is nice.
  • we went to CT for a few days after the wedding; it was nice overall, but there were a lot of people at the beach house, more than we anticipated, so it wasn’t as relaxing as i’d hoped, but we still had a nice time. my father in law also had some health things going on while we were there so that’s always stressful. 
  • pete got me the most beautiful flowers for our anniversary, they were late because the bouqs was being a jerk, but they are so pretty; i got him a wooden watch and i think he liked it & a card with one of our favorite quotes from the office. we didn’t really do anything in particular to celebrate. it’s been a little crazy, but i’m hoping we can carve out a special date night soon.
  • getting the ipads and procreate has been one of the best things we’ve done this summer - so good for a meditation type activity for me and we’ve both been feeling extra creative.
  • the friday of our anniversary, we got to meet up with pete’s best friend joe who was here visiting from seattle. we met him in asbury and we had a nice dinner. it was great to see him, he’s such a good dude and i know it was a nice boost for pete to have time with him. 
  • i got to see iva on wednesday finally!! and it was so great to be reunited! i missed her so much and couldn’t wait to hear all about her beautiful wedding! we caught up all about her wedding in the DR and i got to share with her about christina’s wedding. we had a delicious lunch (which i can’t stop thinking about and i want to go back and have that salad again stat lol) and it was just so good to be with her. such amazing energy, such a beautiful soul. we are picking more times to hang this summer and we are going to take her and adriel to celebrate their wedding for dinner soon, get fancy and go out! looking forward to that!
  • anna was supposed to come down today for a sister day, but last minute she found out her sister in law needed help with her son and her new twins, so we rescheduled for next week and i am pumped to see her and to catch up!
  • acupuncture continues to be a huge help and i’m so, so glad i found it and started all those weeks ago
  • tomorrow we’re going to a food truck fest in my hometown! i am a little bummed because our godkiddos and their family were supposed to join, but my friend texted me this morning to let us know everyone over there is sick so they won’t make it. but my mom, pete, and i are going, so it should still be fun. 
  • next week also, i’m supposed to have dinner with a cousin who i recently reunited with; we always played together when we were little, and i adored her, she’s a few years older and i looked up to her a lot, but her mom and her mom’s brother (my mom’s cousins) had a falling out, so they stopped coming to family functions which was sad. she and her parents came to christmas this year, first time i had seen her since we were young! and after we saw each other, we were like, we need to get together. she was still living in the south, so now that she’s moved back home (she’s getting divorced i think which sucks, but i believe it’s what is best for her), and school and the wedding are over, we made some set plans. excited to get to know her again!
  • i am SO EXCITED for the educhum meeting we have planned in august!
  • i can pick up my summer pay tomorrow (well, what was deducted from my check all year lol), and thank goodness. i’m applying for VIP kid but it’s been really tough to schedule a time to read through all the material and set up my interview thing because it’s been so busy.
  • today i’m running errands and straightening up. low key day.

alright, if you read all of this, bless you lol. and if you only read parts of it, bless you still! thank you all for your love and support. more soon. :]

Every city has such pockets of beauty, stunning little gems that make you pause and stare for a moment. It doesn’t matter what you believe in, seeing hundreds of floating candles on still waters reflecting the sky, is worth a pause and a sliver of awe.
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First round of #NorthPoleNinjas readings and signings done, more to come this weekend. If you have not yet ordered, check out northpoleninjas.com or bit.ly/NPNinjas We need more kindness and this is a fun place to start.