Author’s Note: Reid x Reader. When the Reader says “I love you” Reid struggles to return the sentiment. But there’s more than one way to say it. You just have to listen.
He can translate five languages with ease and can read
20,000 words per minute. He can recite Shakespeare and poetry and memorize
entire film scripts without batting an eye. And yet, there are three words he
just can’t manage to string together.
She thinks it’s a mental block, that something in his mind
just won’t let it happen. Or perhaps it’s something in his heart. Something
scarred, and something scared. They’d been together for six months before she
found the courage to say it to him. They’d been sitting together on a park
bench, watching the world go by. He draped an arm over her shoulder, and she’d
nestled close to his chest, sighing. It was the most natural thing in the
world, to be by his side.
“Spencer?” she’d said, glancing up at him.
“I, um… I love you.” She had pulled back a bit, gauging his
reaction. His eyes widened and red crept into his cheeks as he sat there
stammering, looking wholly shell-shocked. “It’s okay,” she added, “You don’t
have to say it back! I just thought you should know.”
Spencer had looked down, pulling at his knuckles. “It-it’s
not that I don’t want to. It’s just that… I can’t. I’ve tried to tell you so
many times, but the words, they won’t come out.” He was quiet for a few
moments, before saying, “I think it’s because of Maeve.” His late girlfriend.
He had told her their story a few months into their relationship, the night
they unearthed the demons of their past together. “She said it to me, but I
never had the chance to tell her that, and ever since then I just… I can’t do
it. I’m sorry. Because I do… I really do, I just…”
His voice jumped higher and his eyes began to water. Sensing
his distress she’d leaned in and silenced him with a kiss. “Shh. I know. It’s
okay. You don’t have to say it. I just wanted you to know.” There’s no need to
rush it. When he’s ready, he’ll say it.
Months pass, and he still cannot manage it. She’s gotten
rather fond of telling him despite the sentiment not being returned. Those
words seem to come so easily to her, as though trying to make up for his
silence. She can’t stop telling him how much she loves him. When he shows up to
her apartment with her favorite takeout food, when they’re the only two sitting
in the library, between ragged breaths after he’s kissed her so deeply the
world melts away.
He never says it back. And yet, he says it all the time. She
just has to listen.
“I love you,” she laughs, as he finishes telling her a funny
story on their walk back from dinner. He’s accompanying her back to her
apartment, and the air is rapidly cooling off. She shivers, wearing only a
dress and light jacket. When the sun went down, the mild fall temperatures went
with it. Spencer stops and pulls off his coat, laying it across her shoulders.
“Darling, you don’t have to-”
“Don’t worry. I’m not really cold at all,” he assures her,
removing his scarf as well. With care he wraps it in circles around her neck,
smiling at her. Instantly the cold in her bones is replaced by warmth, and she
buries her nose into the fabric of the scarf. It smells like ivory soap,
coffee, and autumn. Just like him.
Spencer takes her hand once more, and they start off down
the street. “Of course. I don’t want you to get sick. You need it more than I
do.” He takes his coat back when they reach her building, but he conveniently
forgets about the scarf, a fact which she’s all too happy about to believe it
was an accident.
She hears it then.
She hearts it when he comes back after a long case, she
throws her arms around him. “God I’ve missed you,” she says. “I love you so
He kisses her forehead, and when he pulls away she notices
the bag in his hand. “”I brought you something.”
“Why?” she asks. “It’s not my birthday or anything.”
“Open it,” is all he says. She peers inside, and withdraws a
book. Staring at the cover, her mouth falls open.
Virginia Woolf’s To
the Lighthouse. An old, worn copy. She opens the front cover and stares at
the first page. It can’t be. “But this is… this is a first edition! Spencer, it
must’ve cost a fortune!”
He shakes his head. “You’ve always told me it’s your
favorite book, and that you’d do anything to get a first edition copy. Well, on
the case I helped save the life of a rare bookstore owner, who insisted on
giving me a book as a gift. When I saw this one, I knew I had to get it.”
“Why?” she repeats. In her arms she clutches the book tight,
not sure whether she wants to hug it or him more.
“Just because,” he says. “I wanted to see your smile when
you opened it.” The book is temporarily forgotten on the armchair as she loses
herself in kissing him.
She knows it the day he comes over to find her curled up on
the couch, crying. It’s been a difficult week and her best friend, Isa, has
been in a terrible accident. Things are up in the air. Isa is in the hospital.
Spencer doesn’t ask any questions, he simply walks over and sits down beside
her. She continues to sob as he pulls her onto his lap and wraps up her in an
embrace. His heart beats through his shirt, and he runs his hands up and down
her back in slow patterns, whispering gentle reassurances in that low voice he
typically reserves for victims and grieving families. In his arms, she is safe.
Warm and protected. No matter what the world throws at her, she knows he will
be there to lift her up and keep her steady.
The very presence of him soothes her. He wipes her tears
with the sleeves of his shirt and pushes her hair back from her face. They sit
there in silence, her head on his chest, his fingers tracing circles on her
skin until her breathing returns to normal. No words are needed at all. He
knows her, knows what she needs. And she knows in her heart exactly how he
She is certain of it when they’re at an event for her job,
and one of her colleagues starts ranting about how medication is useless for
mental illness. Robert goes on and on, saying that all people need to do is
think positively and do things like yoga. Everyone is overdiagnosed,
overmedicated, and overly sensitive.
Spencer feigns a sudden interest in the view from the window
in the hallway as an excuse to escape the conversation. He glances down at her,
quickly looking her over. “Are you okay?” he asks.
She bites her lip and inhales slowly. Anxiety has been a
struggle for most of her life, and it was only with therapy and medication that
she started to heal. Since college, things have been much better, but she still
remembers the darker days, when she wasn’t sure how to keep going. To hear
people say such ignorant things about mental health still stings.
“I’m alright,” she says. “I’ve heard worse things. But thank
you for getting me out of there. I love you.”
Spencer interlaces his fingers with her own and they stare
out at the city together. “I’d do anything for you. And I don’t want anyone to
hurt you. What you feel is valid, and nobody should tell you otherwise.” He’s
always doing that with her. Her protector, her knight in a vest and cardigan.
There is no doubt in her mind that when he says anything he means anything.
They are sitting in his living room and they’ve both had a
stressful day at work, and he’s making herbal tea in the kitchen. “I love you,”
she says, grinning, when he sets the mug down before her. Spencer frowns and
shifts uneasily in the armchair he’s in.
“Doesn’t it bother you, Y/N?” he asks.
“Doesn’t what bother me?”
“The fact that I still haven’t said it.” Oh. That. “We’ve
been dating for over a year, and I still can’t manage to do something so
simple. I know it must be frustrating, and I don’t want you to think I’m not as
committed to you or to our relationship. You’re the most important thing in my
life, and I don’t want to lose you. But I can’t say it yet.”
“Spencer,” she says softly, resting a hand on his forearm.
The fabric of his sweater is soft between her fingers. “I know it. I know how
you feel about me. You don’t have to say anything before you’re ready to. There’s
more than one way to say I love you, you know. You tell me all the time. Not in
those words, but I get the message.”
He seems unconvinced. “How?”
“You ask me to text you to make sure I get home safely. You
call me almost every night when you’re away on a case just because you say you
want to hear my voice. You hold me when I’m scared. You take me out to get Thai
food even though you’d rather have Indian. You memorized every song in Les Mis because you knew it was my
favorite musical. In all those gestures, I can hear it. And I can hear it when
you make time for me no matter how busy you are. Sometimes you say it without
saying anything at all.”
She leans closer to kiss him, softly at first, then deeper,
deeper. In equal fervor he responds, and though the syllables do not fall from
his tongue, his lips are perfectly capable of making the message clear. Every
part of her tells her it’s true, that he loves her he loves her he loves her.
No flower petal plucking needed to divine it.
One day, she’s walking across the sidewalk to hand him a cup
of coffee. They’re going to walk to the Smithsonian, but it’s still early and
they need caffeine before they’re ready to go anywhere. He holds the paper cup
close to his face, breathes in the scent of a warm mocha.
“Ah. What would I do without you?” he says, flashing her a
smile. She laughs, a grin that stretches across her whole face, and the morning
sunlight hits her eyes just right at that very moment, and she just looks so
adorable. Something in him lifts. “I love you.”
The smile falters, and the latte she’s holding tumbles from
her hands, contents spilling on the sidewalk. She blinks. “What did you say?”
Bewildered, she stares up at him, and his heart swells. “I
love you,” he repeats. He can’t explain why now or how, but the words have
finally come and he can’t stop them. Months of sentiments fall from his mouth.
“I love every part of you. I love the way your eyes light up when you’re
excited and I love the way you laugh and I love how open your heart is. I love
your patience and your hair and the way you kiss me when there’s no one else
around. I love all of you. I love you. I am in love with you. I’ve never loved
anyone this much. I love you, Y/N.”
It feels so good to say it.
It feels so good to hear it. Water springs to her eyes
before she can stop the tears. Stepping over the puddle of coffee, she cups his
face in her hands. “I know you do,” she murmurs. “You didn’t have to say it.
But I’m glad you did. And I love you, too.”
In the middle of the sidewalk, he pulls her closer, pressing
his lips to hers. They’re both laughing and crying and something in them has
changed. She doesn’t care that people pass by, giving them odd looks as they
stand there kissing. Whatever locked doors existed in his heart have finally
been opened. He’s healing. He’s ready.
For him, she would wait a thousand years. No demands, no
ultimatums. She has heard the sentiment before, listening carefully to his
actions and reading between the lines.
But oh, how good it feels to finally hear those words out
loud. And oh, how she loves him.
A pair of fingers snapped in front of your face and you blinked, refocusing your attention on Penelope.
“Y/N! What is with you recently? Are you coming to lunch with me and Derek or not?” she asked you, following where your gaze had been and squinting her eyes at the subject.
“No I’ll stay here… I’ve got paperwork to be catching up on.”
“So it’s nothing to do with the fact that Spencer is staying behind too?”
“Huh? What? No… Course not.”
She grinned and you felt your cheeks flush.
“Sure, sure. You sure you two haven’t started to go a little bit Dawson and Joey? Because I’ve noticed the long lingering looks, and if I’ve noticed then you can sure as hell bet that Derek has.”
“Dawson and Joey?” you screwed up your face, trying not watch Spencer over her shoulder. He was chewing absent mindedly on the end of his pen and my God, the actions were doing something to your insides.
“You know.. Two best friends, falling in love with each other…. ”
His lips pursed around the pen and you could see that he was sucking it in and out of his mouth slowly.
“Y/N! You’re not helping your case here…”
“What!? No!….. I was always a Pacey girl anyway.”
She grinned at you again, nodding her head and saying her goodbyes, leaving you to your files and your salad that you’d bought in.
It had been three weeks since the incident, as you now referred to it as. The incident involving your colleague and best friend giving you your first orgasm and you repaying him by sucking his cock into your mouth…
Things had been….weird. For you at least. He’d stayed over, you passing out in the your bed after the mutual leakage of bodily fluids. The next morning had been okay too. You’d gone for breakfast and everything had been normal and NOT strange. And then you’d got to work on Monday and had found yourself looking at Spencer when no one else was, admiring his butt in his close fitting pants, enjoying the sound of his voice as he rambled. Then you found yourself getting increasingly distracted by his mouth. A mouth you’d never realised was so prettily perfect before. A mouth that had been on your chest and could have so easily been between your legs.
To an extent you guessed Penelope was right. You had developed what appeared to be a crush on Spencer Reid. Was it that you found him genuinly alluring or was it just because he’d given you your first earth shattering, knee trembling, sticky clear fluid moment? Who knew… But whatever it was, it was frustrating the hell out of you. Because you struggled to be normal around him. Yet he didn’t seem to be that affected by it. He acted as if he hadn’t had his fingers in your most intimate areas, as if his hands hadn’t tangled in your hair as your slid your lips up and down his cock. His very nicely sized cock….. Oh fuck, don’t start thinking about it.
“Got any plans for the weekend, Y/N?”
You jumped, dropping the fork you’d been using into your salad box. You’d been daydreaming again.
“Fuck!” Glancing up, you saw the object of your daydreams perching on the edge of your desk, his hands twiddling with the end of his tie.
His hands, his fingers…. Don’t look at his fingers Y/N. Don’t do it.
“Someone’s a big jumpy today,” he commented.
“Sorry…. Late night.” Yes, late night. Spent replicating his actions from that night and definitely NOT imagining that it was him doing it rather than you.
Spencer smirked as if he knew and then you had a sudden flashback to the conversation you’d had about what people did when they were unable to sleep. Your cheeks burned again, something that rarely happened before but over these last three weeks, seemed to happen a lot.
“NOT that sort of late night….” Lies, all lies.
“How’s that… Erm… Coming anyway?” He asked, his lips still twitching upwards into that smile of his. The smile that up until recently you just thought was sweet but now made your lady parts tingle.
“It’s coming fine, thank you very much,” you muttered, looking around to check that no one was in ear shot.
“Just fine? Fine doesn’t sound very good Y/N….”
“Fine is fine.”
“Alright. Well, just remember what I said. I’m happy to help again.”
He turned to walk away and you called his name, a sudden idea forming in your brain. A terrible one, which as the words left your mouth your brain was screaming at you, “liar liar, pants on fire.”
“Spencer…. Alright. Fine isn’t good. Fine is terrible.”
His eyes flickered to yours and his tongue quickly poked out and swiped over his bottom lip.
“So…. Do you want me to come over for another… lesson?”
“Erm…..only if you want to. I’ll…. I’ll pay you back again?”
“Y/N this isn’t like you’re borrowing money off me… You don’t have to ‘pay me back’ everytime. You’re my best friend and I like being able to help you with something. Regardless of what it is.”
You opened your mouth to speak but he continued, “But…. I’m definitely not going to argue. For someone so inexperienced at um….. DIY, you sure know how to…… handle the tools?” Spencer looked both amused and horrified at the euphemism that had come out of his mouth and you laughed.
“Well, I did tell you I was an expert at handling other certain tools… It’s just some that I find tricky to deal with. Which is a shame because they wielded amazing results last time they were used correctly.”
Seriously now. When the hell did you start flirting with Spencer Reid? Oh it was such a good job the others had gone out for lunch.
“Amazing results…. ” he raised his eyebrows at you.
“Don’t let that go to your head, Reid.”
“Well it’s hard not to. I mean, I knew I was good. But amazing…..”
“What I want to know, is how did sweet little Spencer Reid, who rarely is seen talking to girls outside of his work colleagues, how did he get so good at something like that?”
Just continue to boost his ego some more…Why not eh. It made his eyes shine and that made him look prettier than he already was.
“Eidetic memory. Being able to read 20,000 words per minute. Think of all the things that I’ve read over my lifetime, all of the techniques. Girls don’t tend to go for the geeky genius, unless he’s really really good at something. So I just made it so I was really really good at that something.”
He’d moved closer again now and his voice had dropped to a deliciously sexy low tone.
“Well then….. I guess, I guess it’s a shame for those talents to go unused for long periods of time.” You words came out in a croak, and you were now feeling uncomfortably warm.
“Such a shame…. So, shall I come round at eight thirty? Maybe watch a film and drink some wine before…. ”
Before. Oh god.
You nodded, not sure if you’d be able to form a coherent sentence and mentally running through all the things you’d need to do at home first.
He grinned again. “I’ll see you later then Y/N. Maybe this time, you’ll let me use some other….. Implements.” He licked his lips before turning away and walking off.
Sweet holy Jesus. This was not good. But it was good. But it wasn’t.
Not only had you lied to him about not being able to replicate what he’d shown you, but you were fairly certain you’d have a damp patch in your underwear from just thinking about what that last comment of his implied.
Spencer was your colleague and one of your best friends. But right now, you really really REALLY wanted to have him fuck you seven ways from Sunday.
Today I woke up at noon by the sound of raindrops hittng my windows and it was so calming and soothing I just put Vessel on play quietly and listened to the songs blurr with the sound of the rain falling. I felt at peace.