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So it’s national coming out day and it’s not safe for me to come out I wanted to share my coming out story. It will be long but if you take the time to read it know I will appreciate it.
I first heard the word gay in third grade. I ask my friend what it meant and they said it was when I boy loved boys. I never really thought much of it when I heard the meaning. That same year I remember hearing people say Lady Gaga was born a man and had plastic surgery to be a girl. Of course that wasn’t true but to my mind at the time I saw no problem with it
In fourth grade my friend called me a lesbian. I was so confused and begged her to tell me what it meant. She then said it was when a girl wanted to marry a girl instead of a boy. I was confused but didn’t question it.
Then in 5th grade I for some reason hated gay people. I remember one day in math class working on an assignment with two of my friends. We were talking about gay people and one of my friend’s said they had a gay uncle. I said I just didn’t like them or support them. I for some reason just hated gay people.
In 6th grade I started watching Modern Family and read the mortal instruments. I was more exposed to gay people and didn’t hate them at all. Then one day in may, I was 12 years old. I had just discovered Troye Sivan and was watching all his videos. I saw his coming Out video and watched it. I remember watching it and thinking “I’m like him.” This voice was telling me I’m like him but I wasn’t. I kept telling myself I liked boys, I reminded myself of my crush at the time. I never told myself I didn’t like girls though.
7th grade (13) was a big year for me. I learned what bisexual was in the beginning of the year but didn’t think much of it. Then in late April it kinda hit me. For some reason I felt like I had a crush on my friend and I was so confused and scared. I was battling with myself and if I was bi. I liked boys so I knew I wasn’t a lesbian. But I had a crush on a girl, i had to be bisexual. That title didn’t feel right to me at all but I knew that was what I had to be. I liked boys and girls, that was textbook bisexual to me.
I struggled with my sexuality a lot but June 27, 2015 the day same sex marriage was legalized was a day it all changed. I was 13, it was the first time I felt proud and felt like I was bi. But for the longest time bi just didn’t feel completely right to me. I just shrugged it off because I knew I was.
It was also during that summer that I first questioned my gender. I was in a store with my mom. I don’t know why but I just remember feeling disassociated with my gender. It was just so strange to me and I was so confused and scared. I went home and put on a skirt and tried to reassure myself that I in fact felt like a girl. That summer I also read something on Cosmopolitan about trans guys. I started reading it and had this overwhelming feeling that I was like them. It scared me so much I had to stop reading it. It stayed with me for so long and I tried to avoid reading/watching trans things because I didn’t want those feeling to come up again. There was also a person I followed on insta who came out as a demigirl, I remember reading what it was and though “if I ever decide I’m not a girl that’s what I would be.” Strange I know, cis people don’t think those things.
8th grade (14) was a big year. The beginning of the school year I felt like I wasn’t bi even though I knew I was and i was just so confused. In April a lot changed. I remember seeing a genderqueer person on my Instagram that I had always found attractive. I was confused because I was bi, I only like boys and girls. I discovered lgbt accounts on insta and learned so many terms. I learned about non-binary, pansexual and so much more. I found it so interesting. I saw a very attractive trans guy that I ended up following and watching his whole transition (I was so intrigued with it, now I know why). I also so on BuzzFeed an article about non-binary people. I thought they were all attractive and that’s when I realized I was pansexual. That term just felt so right to me and I knew right away that was what I was.
That same time I also was struggling so much with my gender. I saw Non-binary people and almost felt like them. I remember being in class and the teacher said that boys go on one side of the room and girls on the other. In that moment I knew I needed to go on the girl’s side, but it just didn’t feel right. At Girl Scouts I was so confused and it was just so confusing to me. I knew that when the time I needed to figure out my gender I would. It wasn’t a huge problem to me so I just went around kinda knowing I was non-binary but not really worrying about it. Although when people called me “girl, woman or anything like that” I would get so uncomfortable.
Then the summer after 9th grade (15) in the middle of June 2017 everything changed. I had kinda started to accept my body and feel more confident in it. I was very obsessed with looking through Cassandra Clare’s Pinterest and the pictures she would pin that looked like the characters in her books. I was so obsessed with the guys. I made a board called “aesthetic” where I saved the pictures of the guys that I liked and wanted my life to look like. I figured, I’m a girl I should pin all these things with guys in. So I pinned things with girls just so it wasn’t weird. Then it just hit me, I looked at pictures of guys and longed to look like them. It was something I never realized I was doing but it made sense. I never looked at a girl and thought “oh I want to look like them” but I thought that with boys. Even if I wasn’t aware I was thinking it.
I was so scared and I really didn’t know what to do. Tumblr was my savior, I followed so many trans blogs. I went on Instagram and dmed tons of trans accounts asking them things. I was so concerned because i was always very feminine. I talked to an amazing guy and he told me about Chase Ross. He said that Chase was a feminine trans guy and that I was valid. I looked him up and lowkey feel in love with him. I watched tons of his videos and watched all this podcasts with Aaron. I also started a notebook about what I was feeling at the time.
I struggled tons with my gender but I knew I wanted to go on T in the future. I wasn’t too sure of much but I did think I was FTM when I came out for the first time. Shortly before I set a goal for myself. It was that i would tell at least one person before the end of my sophomore year that I was trans. Little did I know I would tell three people before sophomore year even started.
It was July 23rd, 2017. Me and two friends were at the mall hanging out. I had wanted to come out to them but I wasn’t really sure if I should or how. We ended up getting on the topic of trans people and one seemed confused and not that accepting so I decided I wouldn’t tell her. Later that day me and we went to another friend’s house for a bonfire. I had always imagined coming Out during truth or dare when someone would ask me what my deepest secret is.
At the bonfire it was just me and four of my friends. We ended up playing the game paranoia where you whisper a question to someone and they would answer and no one would know the answer unless you flipped a flip flop on the right side. We played for a long time and revealed some interesting things about everyone. Someone ended up leaving early and we all decided on asking questions to everyone just for fun. Somewhere along the lines we were talking about Jazz Jennings and I thought it was my chance to come out but I quickly decided not to.
Later that night I asked a question I knew I shouldn’t have but it was too late. I asked “what is your deepest secret?” Everyone was quiet and one friend told a lame story that wasn’t too bad. Then another told something slightly worse. Me and my best friend were left and just stared at each other. She said she didn’t want to make everything depressing and I said I didn’t want to make everything serious. She told me to just go and I was like fine.
I was sitting there with my head in my hands violently spinning the fidget spinner I thankfully brought. I said “I really don’t know how to say this.” One then chimes up and says “are you gay?” I’m like “no” she’s like “same.” Then she’s like well actually I’m bi" so I’m like this is my chance and say “same.” The other two are like “omg wtf” they were then so happy and said they accepted us and stuff. Then I had to tell them that wasn’t actually what I wanted to tell them. I wasn’t able to physically say anything and they kept guessing stuff. They were thinking very serious things like me being raped and I was just like no. I then said it was something they mentioned early that night. They couldn’t think and I eventually just said it had to do with Jazz Jennings. They were just like “are you trans?” I’m like “I think so.”
They were honestly so shocked and they asked questions because obviously I knew it would be hard to understand. They asked and I answered. I told them about how two years before was when I started realizing it. I told them about the class experience and so much more. They ask what I would want and I said I really wanted hormones and too surgery but no bottom surgery.
We talked about how I’ll be a feminine gay man when I transition. They were so accepting and were so extremely happy for me. I told them so much stuff that I’d been reciting in my head waiting for that day to come. At one point someone said “I’m just picturing hailey on her wedding marrying a man as a man and it makes me so happy” and everyone was so happy by that statement. Then we talked about pride and how I want to go to one so badly. They said they would go with me to support me and they’d do anything for me. We talked about how if I came out in high school I could potentially get kicked out and they said if that happened they would stand up for me