“That’s the thing that poisoned me from 2013 or 2012 to 2014, "we just want you to look beautiful” over, and over, and over in my head, until I just wanted to look ugly all the time. Please. Don’t tell me not do it cause you know it’s gonna happen.
It really crushed me. I’ve won grammys now, I’ve written albums, I’ve toured the world 4 times, and you’re telling me to look beautiful? that’s what this is about? It’s all back to tits and ass? That’s so sad.“
LANA DEL REY is shopping in the grocery store. She picks up a box of muffins, inspects them, and puts them in her cart.
LADY GAGA emerges from the bathroom.
LADY GAGA: Hey! those are my muffins!
LANA: what? No theyre not. I just put them in my cart
LADY GAGA: I called dibs!
LANA: you cant call dibs they were just laying here
LADY GAGA: Yeah, why do you think I put them in the produce section. they dont belong there.
LANA: look, dude, I dont even want them
LADY GAGA: give them back to me then
LANA: You know what? no. I want these muffins now.
LADY GAGA: you’re going to regret this—
LANA DEL REY runs to checkout and buys them. LANA DEL REY drives home and walks in where GRIMES is lounging on a pile of dirty clothing.
GRIMES: hey lana :) um sorry if the toilets are a little messed up I was flushing forks down them haha
LANA: Hi Claire. Ugh, I just had the weirdest experience at the store–
LANA gets a call. we cut to MARINADIAMANDIS running on a treadmill.
MARINA: hey Lizzy you better turn the tv on right now someones talking about you on the news
LANA: (fumbling to turn on the tv) I told you not to call me that–
KATY PERRY, news anchor: hello. Here today we have super pop star artist and gay activist Lady Gaga with a shocking story to tell.
LADY GAGA: yes. Thank you Katy. I was coming home from my live concert in which I performed for gay orphans with cancer and I had my heart set on these muffins. I go in the store and this woman wearing a huge gold chain took my muffins. I called dibs! How could she do that?
KATY: shocking indeed. Here we have a picture of the attacker from the store security camera. my sources are telling me that this woman is singer Lana Del Rey. I’ve never heard of her. Well folks… that is truly telling about how much disrespect this woman has for the gay community, and children who are gay and have cancer and are orphans
GRIMES: oh hey Lana… I know you wanna call in but please dont dignify this rumor with a response–
LANA: yes? Hello? This is Lana Del rey?
KATY: Here on the phone we have Lana Del Rey , attacker of Lady Gaga who is a gay activist and superstar.
LANA: hello? Id like to say that um, her dibs were Bullshit cause, she just left them in the produce section. This is ridiculous.
LADY GAGA: you don’t understand dibs! You don’t understand dibs!
LANA: You just left them in the produce section! How was I supposed to know you wanted them?
LADY GAGA: I TOLD you I had dibs! I told you! I told you! I want them back! They were the only ones left! I can’t believe this!
LANA: that’s too Fucking bad. Cause I ate them.
KATY: wait a second. Hold on folks. Are you saying already ate them? Ms Gaga was this a small package of muffins, like, 3 or 4?
LADY GAGA: No Katy. There were a great deal more than that.
KATY: ms Del Rey do you remember how many exactly were in the box?
GRIMES: Lana please dont—
LANA: There were twelve. There were twelve muffins.
KATY: just to be clear, since this morning, you ate all the muffins?
LANA: Yeah. I ate them all in one sitting in my car cause I have no self control and I hate myself
You will not have my heart or mind, because you don’t deserve it. I would give it to my fans because they would received it with love. When I look at how society has changed, I feel like this is a good time to show you my ass, because its all I choose to give you.