lady nightfall

So, I read a fairy tale today that was just such

over the top nonsense.

I decided that before I do a re-telling of The Girl Who Became a Boy and submit it to the Fairytale Review that I should do a re-read. But like, then I decided to just read ALL of the Violet Fairy book b/c WHY NOT.

So the story is called Three Princes and their Beasts, right? And Lang says it’s Lithuanian.

Anyway, so it starts off with ‘there were once three princes and a step-sister’ and I’m going ‘okay, is she going to marry one of them? what’s gonna happen?’

and they wander off into the woods and meet up with a pregnant wolf, lion, fox, hare, boar and bear. And like, they’re about ready to kill these APPARENTLY PREGNANT animals but the animals are like ‘oh no! spare my life and my NEWBORNS will pledge their lives to you!’ and so these three princes are just wandering around with like, a herd of animals.

I fully expected… IDK. The animals turning on the princes. The princes turning on each other. Esp. since the NEXT thing they do is the traditional fairy tale ‘stab a tree, that tree is me, if that tree starts fucking bleeding YOU WILL KNOW I AM DEAD’. Right?

And then that shit, that shit doesn’t even come into play until near the END of the fucking story!

Because the NEXT thing that happens is the eldest asks the step-sis who she’ll live with and she says ‘oh, you’ and they go off to find a castle but it’s full of THIEVES and the brother and his animals murder the thieves. Except, except one who fakes his death and then seduces the step-sister but is then eventually killed because THE DUDE HAS A LION AND A WOLF AND A FOX AND A FUCKING BEAR AT HIS DISPOSAL.

LIKE YOU THOUGHT TYING HIM UP BY HIS THUMBS WAS GOING TO DO JACK SHIT?

Anyway, SO THEN, big bro chains his sister to the wall and hands her a fucking giant bowl and is like ‘you won’t see me again until you fill that with your tears’ and WANDERS OFF?!

LEAVING HER ALONE IN A CASTLE

full of DEAD PEOPLE

Like this story so extra wtf

NEXT, NEXT next. Next, Big Bro finds a princess ready to be sacrified to a dragon. Like, this story is fucking FULL of twists and turns. It sounds like the kind of shit you come up with when you’re talking to a kid who won’t fall asleep ‘and then there was a dragon, daddy?’ oh yeah.

So he saves the princess from the dragon BUT THEN this coachman and servant kill HIM and take the credit. But his TALKING MAGICAL ANIMALS bring him back from the dead and he goes off to wed the princess.

And I know you’re thinking ‘what about his sister? what about his brothers?’

WELL WAIT

So he hears some shit is going on in the nearby woods and heads out to find out WTF is up. He meets this old lady by nightfall and is like ‘oh hey, old lady surrounded by stones, can i share your camp?’

and she’s all ‘your animals are fucking terrifying, if you let me hit them with this OBVIOUSLY UNIMPORTANT STICK, sure bro, sure’

Then she turns them all to fucking stone.

SO NOW, youngest brother (and oh ho, I thought, youngest brother already, well good this story is full of WTF so let’s skip to the end) finds his brother’s tree bleeding and goes to investigate. And apparently he and his brother must be triplets b/c the WHOLE TOWN is like ‘oh, our prince!’ but the princess is just like ‘…no….’

So he goes to the woods and guess what FALLS FOR THE OLD LADY WITH THE STICK ROUTINE

SO THEN, THE SECOND BROTHER

SAVES THE DAY

Which? Which tbh threw me for a fucking LOOP. Like, if there’s three brothers it’s usually the youngest who saves the day. Second brother is just sacrificial fodder.

So he comes along, sees the bleeding trees, gets welcomed into the town and rejected by the princess, wanders into the forest and is like ‘lady, these are MY animals, the only one hitting them with sticks is me’ discovers the trick, threatens to kill the old witch unless she returns his brothers to him AND THEN, saves the day.

AND THE STORY ENDS WITH THE KING STILL BEING CONFUSED ABOUT WHICH ONE IS HIS SON IN LAW.

And I’m just left wondering what about your step sister you jackasses.