lady jammers

anonymous asked:

Are you gay?

I wrote and re-wrote this sooo many times before I finally decided to just fucking answer the question. (Sorry to all of my irl friends whom I haven’t even brought this up to and for the long response you’re about to get)

I always believed I was straight. But, I mean when I was a kid, I was very conservative and reserved and I didn’t talk much about boys or crushes or anything all that much. When I was really young all of my friends were guys and when I got older suddenly I only had girl friends. Any type of advance (friendly or romantic) from a guy I would get would immediately be shut down. I thought it was just because I didn’t appreciate the way that guys would often approach me. That may have been at least a half-truth as I did end up being friends with a lot of guys in more recent years, but I still prefer a formal greeting from a guy than to be hit on or something (I think everyone feels this way???)

Anyway, I’ve never been particularly “girly”—which in absolutely no way means that a girl is necessarily gay, by the way—and I always worried about what people might assume about me because of that. I just was never really into dresses or make-up or doing anything that adhered to the stereotypical female gender rolls and it made me worry that people wouldn’t like me or that they would think I was gay when I was so convinced that I wasn’t. I also have never been in a relationship so yay, another thing to put on the board.

My darling brother worsened things for me. He’s married to a woman who has two daughters close in age with me. The oldest is only a year younger than me and we’re pretty close. I’m a very touchy-feely person if the other person is receptive to that kind of thing and my step-niece is the same. She loved to just hang on me and stuff and I didn’t mind because as closed-off as I seem on the outside, I like being hugged and stuff. Yeah, so from how close we were, the way that I dressed, the fact that I’d never had a boyfriend (still have not); my amazing brother called up my dad and said that he thought I was gay. Love him, but I will never ever forgive him for saying something like that.

Now, to more recent times… (that happened about two years ago). I was on Tumblr in about November and I kept seeing that one gif of Chloe (B Snow) walking in on Beca (AK) in the shower. At first I had no fucking clue what it was from and I was confused because I was like “Why is Brittany creeping up on someone in the shower? What the fuck is this?” Eventually I figured out it was from Pitch Perfect. I’d already formed a pretty lame opinion that PP would be terrible because it’s about singing and I just didn’t think it was worth the time. But, after my dashboard was completely swamped with PP gifs and whatnot, I decided to give the movie a shot— and it changed my life.

Another thing I guess I had been weird about was calling other female attractive. It, actually took me until high school to be okay with calling other girls attractive because for whatever fucking reason I thought it wouldn’t be okay. Then, after joining Tumblr (and ultimately watching Pitch Perfect), I realized that it really doesn’t matter. “You can be straight and find other girls attractive,” I kept telling myself. And I still found guys attractive, too, so it’s not like I was lying to myself. Right? 

Wrong. I had a conversation with my best friend one day about how I was always way more sympathetic to women and felt much more emotionally connected to them. I tried to pass it off as some kind of bi-romanticism where I was romantically attracted to both men and women and still be straight. But, that wasn’t right either. 

Finally, about two weeks ago, I had a bit of an identity crisis in the middle of one of my classes (I’m in college) and I sat down with my friend again and we talked about it. I’m still physically/sexually attracted to men, but I’m also physically attracted to women. I’m not sure if the sexual part is there, too, but I suppose at this point it’s a possibility. I’ve kind of settled with the idea of being pansexual (Not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regard to gender or activity) because while I feel like I’m probably not just attracted to women or men exclusively and I’m okay with whomever comes my way. 

So yeah, I suppose that’s my answer. It’s taken me way too ridiculously long to come up with the answer for myself, but I want to really fucking thank the Pitch Perfect fandom because I honestly don’t think I would have gotten away from my denial (which was still present even a month ago) without them. Thank you.

And thank you, anon, for asking this question. I am so relieved right now I don’t even know how to say it.