Phichit: Wedding vlog!! Come see my best friend marry his childhood crush in the extravaganza of the century! And with me today is my main man Chris!
Chris, sipping martinis at 11am: I’m so proud of Victor for finding a man ready to accept his receding hairline.
Phichit: Let not male pattern baldness stand in the way of true love! Let’s go!
Priest: Look, you’re going to have to shorten your vows. I’ve got another wedding at 3.
Victor, holding a five inch thick wad of notes, outraged: This is the abridged version.
Yakov: Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the grooms!
*Victor and Yuuri walk out of the church arm in arm, beaming.*
Yurio: *aims his flower petals directly at JJ’s face*
Phichit: Hey handsome, I caught the bouquet! Want to be in my video?
Seung-gil, off camera: Did you specifically ask to sit next to me?
Phichit, whispers: It was fate.
Chris, to Seung-gil: I saw him texting Yuuri.
Phichit, sliding in close to Seung-gil: Fate…
Yuuri: Oh my god who installed a pole at my reception??!
Chris, toasting Victor: You’re welcome.
*Victor, tearing up* *
Chris winks at the camera like he’s on The Office*
Yuuri: I thought that was a bachelor’s night special!
Phichit, handing him champagne: It’s too early to say.
Phichit and Chris: As joint best men for our speech, before we got on to embarrassing university stories, we thought we’d talk about the qualities that make Victor and Yuuri such a great couple.
*brings up a powerpoint*
Phichit: The male form.
Chris: Now as we can see from this shot, Yuuri is blessed with ample…
Yuuri: I don’t know what else I expected tbh. Victor, more champagne please.
Victor, lovestruck, bewitched, missing Yuuri’s glass and pouring it on his lap: Yes darling!
Yuuri: Have you seen Victor? After we cut the cake he was crying and said he had to go thank Jesus or something??
Yurio, coming into the room: … you guys are not going to believe this.
*cut to outside shot of Victor clinging to the church spire, pants off, waving his cake at the sky*
Victor, screaming: I’M GAY! THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Yurio, yelling: YOU’RE DRUNK.
Victor: Good point. I’m gay AND drunk, THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!
Yuuri, tears in his eyes: I love him so much.
Phichit: Ok I may have had a little too much and flirted with that fireman.
Chris: You asked him to douse you with his special hose. It was incredible.
Phichit: At least they rescued Victor.
Phichit, crying softly: Don’t forget me on your honeymoon!
Yuuri: Don’t worry, I’ll think of you every time I ask Victor to douse me with his special-
Victor: I’m not sure how to feel about that.
Chris: Well he did just promise you a blow jo-
Victor, blushing, visibly excited, grabbing Yuuri and slamming the car door: WE’RE GOING NOW BYE.
Phichit: So, how was the wedding for you?
Milla: The open bar was great except… Yurio got in.
*Yurio runs past on all fours, growling and spitting*
Seung-gil: … how did this ring get on my finger?
Phichit: Don’t you worry your gorgeous head about it, you lily soft love muffin.
Michele: I think Victor went on his honeymoon pants-less…
Chris: We should’ve asked the firemen to help clean…
*pan out onto an empty room, tables messy with plates and glasses, streamers everywhere, Yurio is asleep on the ground, there is a small fire in one corner and Victor’s pants flutter from the chandelier*
How to Become His Dream Girl, Even if You’re Not (A Spoiled GF Guide)
so recently, within the past 2 months I have successfully become a spoiled gf, this (surprisingly) was a whole lot easier than I thought it would be, but using this technique (that I kind if made up) I broke it down into some simple steps :)
STEP ONE: Pick someone you wont mind spending a considerable amount of time with
- Realize that this isn’t a sugar daddy, this man wants to have a full on relationship with you, therefore you will be spending a large amount of time with him so you WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM. So just make sure that he is someone you can handle without wanting to strangle after 45 minutes.
STEP TWO: Charm the fuck out of him, then have him open up to you
- You have to make him want you, be alluring and kind. smile at him, laugh at his jokes, compliment him on shit that you might not even care about. Right now you are selling a prophecy, an introduction to a relationship. Make yourself sound as interesting as possible but leave him always wanting more, always have him talk about himself more than you talk about yourself. try to pick up on little things and get a read on his emotional status and how he chooses to react to certain situations, learn about him so you can mold yourself into his dream woman. Once he sees your “genuine” interest in him, he will start opening up to you and THIS is where you’ll really need to pay attention.
STEP THREE: Find out what intimate part of his life is missing
- THIS IS KEY LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!!! You will have to figure out what relationship related snippet is really missing. In my case my sugar boyfriend (ill call him T) was married for 10+ years and never really got what he wanted out of the marriage and was constantly lied to, but ended up staying on behalf of his 4 step kids. after getting divorced he dated a stripper who just used him for his money even though he supposedly had “genuine” feelings for her. After learning about his tragic love history I came to the conclusion that what he really needed out of a relationship was mutual affection and to feel valued. KEEP IN MIND, THIS STEP CAN TAKE A WHILE AND INCLUDES LOTS OF TRIAL AND ERROR. So after coming up with my hypothesis of the lack of value and affection, I decided to put it to the test and did 2 simple things in order to do so. first, while he was at work, I called him to see how his day was going. You would have thought I was god himself calling because he was so happy to hear from me and to hear that I was thinking about him and that I took the time out to call him and let him know that. Second, I cooked him dinner. One day while I was staying at his house I decided to surprise him with a very basic meal (frozen salmon fillets and sautéed bell peppers) and yet again, he was so happy and excited at the fact that I had done that for him. This is when I knew I was on the home stretch
STEP FOUR: Focus on the missing intimate piece, and make it your specialty
- This is what has him keep you around, doing the things that he needed but never got. don’t get me wrong, I’m not cooking this man dinner everyday, instead I switch it up and substitute certain actions. He loves affection, so when we’re sitting on the couch together ill lay my head on his lap, or hold his hand and stroke the side of his face. I’ve learned that simple shit like that makes him incredibly happy, which makes him incredibly generous.
STEP FIVE: Get Spoiled
- Now after giving him a taste of life with you in it, you need to give him a taste of how much your life costs. By now he’s showered you in nice dinners and gifts on the whim, but you’re here for the kill, you want a access to the finances and for him to get you whatever you want. For me, this was by far the easiest step out of all of them, I told him I wanted to go shopping and that I needed some stuff from Lush and Sephora (he had no idea what either of those places were) AND HERE IS WHERE YOU GET HIM. Make sure he sees how expensive it is just to be you, talk to him about your favorite products and what you need and use on the daily (hype them up in price too, like if you need foundation and you usually use L'Oréal, rave about the Gorgio Armani foundation instead) make it seem like your mere existence is expensive, by now this man wants to take care of you and wants to keep you in his life and therefore will do what it takes to keep you near and dear. Once he see’s how “hard” it is to be you, he will make it easier
At this point in my relationship with T, I am nearly moved into his house and have full usage of his ex-wife’s Lexus and his credit card, and tomorrow I get to meet his mother. Once you get on the right path of knowing what a man is missing in this life, you’ll be able to use that to your advantage and have him truly believe that you’re the woman of his dreams, even if you’re just a Faux Heaux :)
ELIAS: We’ve missed you. Have you missed us? YOUSEF: I agree. What are we gonna play today? ELIAS: Today.. (gibberish) Chatroulette, just that it’s on Facebook YOUSEF: Facebook messages, text messages, whatever. ELIAS: You probably know what it is! Awkward messages, to put it that way. ELIAS: Okay, then we’ll begin! And next up is Adam! THE GUYS: ADAM! ELIAS: Amen! MUTASIM: We’ll see, we’ll see.