of the smiles we left behind

summary: some things change and some things don’t. they go to phil’s school reunion and the ways in which things have remained the same start chiming louder and louder. 

notes: anonymous said: i feel like the highschool reunion + existential crisis the day before might make a good fic. for context, the 29th of august timeline: this tweet, a pic i can’t seem to retrieve of a fan and their mom who met dan and phil at a restaurant where they were with phil’s school friends, this tweet, this one, and these two tweets. 

a semi-fic about how change is as terrifying as the lack of, and about how just because you don’t want to define something within structured lines doesn’t mean it won’t be defined for you. also read on ao3

there is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. (nelson mandela)





The invitation sits in his inbox for three days, four, seventeen. It’s untouched but he marks it with a star so he won’t lose it, even though he tells Dan he doesn’t want to go when Dan asks.

Eighteen, nineteen, thirty-three. On Wednesday he opens the reply and doesn’t thumb through his yearbook to search for the face of the name that signed the email. He types, I’ll be there, doesn’t add a smiley. Dan eats lunch on the sofa and says nothing.

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Now I understand- A Kyungsoo smut (Part 2)

Part 1

He called a cab, knowing you were both far too drunk to drive safely, and immediately gave the driver the address to the dorm. He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, but he ignored it, he knew it was going to be the boys spamming him with texts, congratulating him and all sorts, and it annoyed him, and embarrassed him.

You smiled at him, as you slid your hand up his thigh, caressing it softly with the tips of your fingers. Kyungsoo tensed a little, because you tickled him, but also because you were arousing him once more. He felt like a hormonal teenager, and in a sense he was. He had never done anything like this before, and he couldn’t help but respond like an obedient puppy to your touch.

You smirked at the growing tent in his pants, enjoying the effect you had on him. It was exciting to see how much he wanted you, and to feel wanted. You felt like a goddess, you felt powerful.

You didn’t care how uncomfortable you were making the cab driver, you wanted Kyungsoo, and you wanted him now. You hand slid further up his legs, making him moan softly. You licked your lips in anticipation, your eyes turning dark with lust.

“Eh.. Um… We are here.” The cab driver awkwardly said, after clearing his throat, and parking in front of Kyungsoo’s apartment complex. You smiled at him, and Kyungsoo paid, before grabbing your hand, and quickly dragging you inside. He couldn’t wait, he had waited too many years for this, and now he was going crazy. He needed you, he wanted you, and he was going to have you right there and then.

He got into the lift, and pushed the button to his floor almost too eagerly. As the doors crossed, you felt him push you against one of the walls in the elevator, his lips meeting yours harshly. You smiled into the kiss, enjoying this bold action. Maybe you were a bad influence on him, but it felt so right.

The elevator doors opened, and you pushed him back towards them, your lips dominating his, your tongue grazing over his. He opened his mouth with a soft moan. He pulled away, and took your hand, taking you towards the dorm’s front door. He fumbled with the keys, struggling to find the right one to open the door. You smiled at this, you could tell he was nervous, his hands were shaking, but his expression was serene, he didn’t want to let you know how eager, desperate and anxious he really was feeling.

He managed to open the door, after three failed attempts, and led you into his dorm, closing the door behind him. You looked around admiring the place, for an apartment that held so many boys in it, it looked pretty neat. Kyungsoo began fidgeting slightly.

“My room is over there…” He said softly, pointing towards a corridor. You nodded, and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards it. When you reached his door, he opened it and led you inside.

You had to admit, you were a little shocked to find there were two beds in the room not just one. You turned to him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for an answer. He shrugged awkwardly, with his cheeks slightly pink.

“We have to share rooms. I share with Kai…” he stated simply, trying not to make a big deal out of it. Now that he thought about it, sharing rooms with another guy seemed kind of childish.  He had already started to sober up, and he was growing more nervous. You could tell, so you pretended to shrug off the thought that maybe one of his friends would walk in on you butt naked in his bed.

“Let’s hope we don’t get caught then.” You sneakily told him, with a bright smile on your lips. He nodded shyly.

You crossed the distance towards the bed, and sat down on it, gently patting the spot next to you for him to sit there. He complied quickly, but you could tell by the way he was fidgeting something wasn’t quite right.

“D.O. are you okay?” you asked him, placing your hand over his. He looked at you briefly, blushing, and then looked away again.

“Ah… I’m a little nervous. I don’t want to disappoint… I’ve never… I’ve never been with a girl…” He admitted bashfully. You could tell he was ashamed of himself, but that made him so much cuter in the first place. You wanted to reach over and kiss him until his lips were worn out, but you knew treating him differently would only cause awkwardness, so instead you smiled reassuringly.

“That’s okay, there is always a first time for everything. I’ll lead you through it if you want, but we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can just cuddle and sleep.” You told him, trying to let him understand that you weren’t trying to force him into anything. You liked him, more than one should like their one night stand, and you didn’t want to just corrupt his innocence without him truly wanting you. His body might agree, but maybe his mind hadn’t. He shook his head.

“I want to. I really want to. I’m just really nervous… Ah… Y/N I think I… might… like you a little…” He awkwardly confessed. You blushed at the words, not expecting them to come so soon. You wanted to ask him if he was confusing lust for feelings, but you didn’t. You smiled at him.

“I guess I kind of like you too D.O. Are you sure you want to do this?” You asked him, making sure of his decision one last time. He nodded eagerly, his hand grabbing yours, and his eyes sparkling with expectation and desire. You smiled, and very slowly, very carefully, pressed your lips against his. You kissed him tenderly. As much as you wanted him, you also wanted this to be something special, something worth remembering.

His hands found their way to your hips, holding them, while your arms surrounded his neck. You led his hands to the zipper of your dress, and he obediently pulled it down. You slipped out of your dress, and then proceeded to remove his shirt and pants. Kyungsoo stared at your body in wonder again, his hands glided over the smooth skin, feeling it brush against the pads of his fingers. You moaned softly at his touch.

You pushed him back onto the mattress, his back landing on it with a thud. You straddled him, and began kissing his neck softly, biting down onto the skin lightly, leaving small marks. You felt him grow against you, through his underwear, and you smiled into his neck. You were becoming hot and flustered.  His eyes wouldn’t move away from your body, so you grabbed his hands and led them to your bra clasp. He panicked slightly, he had never undone one before. But the confidence in your smile, and the way your eyes sparkled despite the poor lighting in his room, gave him the little push he needed. He struggled against the clasp, but managed to take it off, tossing it somewhere in his room.  You smiled, as you watched his eyes grow in wonder. You grabbed his hand and pressed it against one of your breasts.

You could see him blush deeply, as he gently played with your breast, but judging by the way he was twitching underneath you, he was enjoying it a bit too much. Your fingers hooked on the waistline of his boxers, and pulled them down his legs, his member springing free. You then proceeded to remove your underwear too, letting it drop to the ground beside the bed.

You quickly searched through your purse, trying to find a condom, but Kyungsoo stopped you. He grabbed his wallet from his jeans, and pulled out the small silver packet shamefully. You chuckled, and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Xiumin gave me one of his… just in case…” He muttered, trying to come up with an excuse, but you shut him up with your lips against his, as you took the wrapper from him. You knew he wouldn’t be the type to just  carry them with him, you knew he probably had never expected to have sex, you could just tell.

You ripped the wrapper, and pulled the rubbery material out, sliding it down his member with your hands. He smiled shyly, and moaned at the feeling of your hands on him. You licked your lips expectantly, before lowering yourself onto him. You hissed at the sudden sensation, trying to get used to the feeling of all of him filling you up. Kyungsoo let out a loud moan, his eyes fluttering shut as he let his head drop back. You stared at those precious pouty lips and wondered how such a dirty sound could ever slip out of those Heavenly lips.

“Is this okay?” you asked him, resting your hands on his shoulders for support, as you started moving gently. He nodded, pressing his lips together to prevent himself from cussing.

Kyungsoo felt overwhelmed by the pleasure he was feeling. You felt so warm, so tight around him, he didn’t think anything could feel better. He grabbed your hips tightly, and began to help you move, as you picked up speed.

“Y/N…. Y-Y/N….” He moaned throwing his head back, his lips parting as he started to pant.

“Does it feel good?” You asked him, a small ball of pleasure beginning to build up in your lower abdomen. He nodded.

“Yes…. Y/N please….” He begged, and it made you moan loudly. You secretly liked it when they begged.

“Please what baby?” you whispered in his ear, the ball of pleasure growing larger and larger, until you thought it was going to burst. You heard Kyungsoo try to say something, but the moans that kept erupting from his lips were preventing him from doing so.

“Faster…” He finally managed to say, and you smirked, moving your hips faster, bringing him more pleasure, but also pushing yourself over the edge. You began to curl your toes, your eyes rolled back, as you felt the bubble burst, and pleasure and bliss course through your veins. You saw the stars.

The sudden tightness around him overwhelmed Kyungsoo, and soon, he too came with short, hot spurts, into the rubbery material. He was panting, with you still on top of him, holding yourself up by his shoulders, as you caught your breath. You could still feel his muscles tensing, and you could see the sweat glistening on his chest. You grinned at him brightly.

“So how was it?” You asked, pulling away from him, to pull the condom off and throw it to the garbage can, before laying down next to him, with your head on his chest, and your arm around his neck. He smiled wrapping his arm around your back, holding your waist.

“Perfect…. Better than anything I had ever felt before… Now I understand.” He spoke, with a sheepish smile on his face, as his hand played with strands of your hair. You looked up at him curiously.

“Now you understand what?” You asked him, your voice playful. Kyungsoo laughed.

“Now I understand why the guys were making such a big deal about sex, it really is amazing. You are amazing.” He sighed, and you could see the bliss and content on his expressions. It softened your heart.

“Did you mean that? Before. When you said you liked me, did you mean that?” You asked him, tensing up a little as you waited for his answer. You didn’t want him to be just another one night stand.

“I like you Y/N. I know, we just met, and I sound like a nerdy virgin, but everything just feels so right with you… Please stay the night… Don’t leave me and forget about me.” He begged, almost wincing at how pathetic he thought he sounded. You smiled, your eyes tearing up slightly, because he was so beautiful it pained you.

“I doubt I would ever forget this D.O… Want to cuddle and sleep?” You asked him, making yourself comfortable on his chest.

“Yeah… I promise I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.” He said, his eyes fluttering shut from the exhaustion that was now weighing his body down.

“Keep that up, and we can skip the dating thing and marry already.” You joked with a laugh, as you too, closed your eyes, ready to drift off into dream land.

Kai opened the door to his room, trying to make as little noise as possible, and had to control himself from cooing at the sight before his eyes. You were completely curled up into Kyungsoo’s arms, with your head on his chest, and a small smile on your face, and from what he could see, you were also completely naked. D.O opened an eye, and looked at Kai, smiling, as the taller guy gave him a thumbs up. D.O blushed, and Kai understood this hadn’t been just a one night stand. He closed the door, running back into the living room, and Kyungsoo heard him yell at the guys, telling them not only did D.O have a naked girl with him in bed, but he also had a new girlfriend.

He heard the members run towards the door, and try to peak through the door at Kyungsoo’s girl, smiling and whispering to each other, but Kyungsoo was too tired, and too happy to care. Girlfriend. He liked the way that word sounded. You were his girlfriend now.