Cartman: Ok so objectively you shouldn’t fight him because he fed a guy his own parents over $16, but the point stands that it would be really really easy to win and he totally deserves it. Fight Cartman.
Kyle: He’s been through enough. Leave him be. Don’t fight Kyle.
Stan: He needs a reality check. You’ll probably lose the fight because of his raw power, but it will make him a better person and he will give an “I learned something today” speech over your lifeless body. Fight Stan.
Kenny: He’s dead all the time. Once more won’t kill him. He’d probably let you do it for $5. Fight Kenny.
Butters: PLEASE DON’T FIGHT BUTTERS. He’ll either go ax-crazy as Professor Chaos, or he’ll just stand there and take it. Neither is good. Don’t fight Butters.
Craig: ARE YOU CRAZY. He fought TWEEK. And held his own. Plus if you mess with him you have his boyfriend Tweek to deal with too. Just let them be gay together. Don’t fight Craig.
Tweek: ARE YOU CRAZY. He fought CRAIG. And held his own. Plus if you mess with him you have his boyfriend Craig to deal with too. Just let them be gay together. Don’t fight Tweek.
Token: He’ll probably walk away from the violence and then punch you when you’re not expecting it. Preemptively make the first move. Fight Token.
Clyde: Call him a mama’s boy and he’ll cry. Hit him and he’ll cry. Don’t hit him and he’ll cry. There’s no winning with this one. Take pity on him and buy him a donut and ask him what’s wrong. Don’t fight Clyde.
Jimmy: Jimmy will tell you bad jokes until you either hate him or love him. Either way, you’re not going to get around to fighting him. Don’t fight Jimmy.
Kevin Stoley: Ok, he seems like a BB-8, but in reality he is a Sith Lord Jar Jar. He once took over a ship using only a lightsaber. Don’t fight him if you want to keep your skin. Don’t fight Kevin.
Ike: IKE NEEDS A GOOD ASS KICKING. WHO CARES IF HE’S 3. HE’S IRRESPONSIBLE. KICK THE BABY INDEED. FIGHT IKE.
The Goth Kids: They will mail you to Scottsdale and burn down your house. Depending on which Goth kid you piss off your punishment will vary. Best case scenario…dance-off. Worst case scenerio…being turned into an emo by alien plants. Don’t fight the Goth Kids.
Bradley Biggle: Sure he’s an alien superhero who defeated Cthulhu with the power of mint and berries, yet with a satisfying, tasty crunch, but lets face it. He could use an ass kicking. Fight Bradley Biggle.
Gregory: He’ll hum La Resistance as he’s fighting you and you’ll end up having a duet. Or he’ll refer to the fight as fisticuffs and it won’t even start. You’re never going to get around to fighting Gregory.
The Mole: The Mole is the kind of kid who you’ll have a long-standing feud with but neither of you actually want to do anything about it besides curse at each other. It’s like fighting Gregory, except it’s a conscious choice. You’ll never get around to fighting the Mole, either.
Damien: He will turn you into a duck-billed platypus, set you on fire and damn you to hell, and maybe cry a little bit in the process. You don’t want to see Damien cry. He might cry acid or something. Don’t fight Damien.
Pip: He looks like a chump British kid who you can push around, but he is a dodgeball master. He will kill you and get his boyfriend to doom you to hell. Don’t fight Pip.
Wendy: She once kicked Cartman’s ass. She might play dirty. Only fight her if necessary.
Bebe: She will ruin your social life. Also if you do fight her she might get hurt which will make Clyde mad and then you’ll have to hit both of the cinnamon rolls??? Don’t fight Bebe.