You Decide Alone; Kurt-centric (Bash reaction fic)
[tw: mentions of assault; homophobia & slurs; ao3]
“i don’t know what his story is. i only know what mine is. and i’ve been fighting these guys for a really long time.”
Kurt Hummel retreats like the sea. Gently, softly, barely a breath of water over the sand, heading back to the interior. He collects himself, regains his strength, then strikes out again, steadily wearing away at the beach.
It’s amazing how passive that beach can be. The puzzled looks and jokes when he tries out for football, the talks of HIV/AIDS pointedly directed at him during health class, the way his neighbour shouts at his friend to not be such a fag. No emphasis, either, it’s just a casual insult between friends. So passive. Not someone trying to beat your face in.
Title: The Heartache They Say Never Really Goes Away
Summary: 4.10 reaction fic
Warning: ANGST, KPOV
Notes: Title is from “Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet” by Reliant K. I really wanted to explore what Kurt might have been going through during the episode and this what I came up with.
Kurt feels like screaming.
Sitting there on the couch next to his dad and Blaine, watching basketball while Kurt flips through Vogue, it would be so easy to pretend that everything is great and normal. That it’s his first New York Christmas and his dad came and Blaine was there and everything should be amazing, but it’s not because his dad is sick and he and Blaine are broken up and he doesn’t know what to do.
He thinks screaming might help, that standing alone in a large room with amazing acoustics and just letting loose might finally take some of the pressure off his chest. He wants to rage and cry and throw things at the wall and watch them shatter, just so he can have a physical representation of how he feels inside. He can’t though – he’s just gotten into NYADA and he has to save his voice because the pressure’s on and his dreams are finally within his grasp.
Instead he sits there and watches his dad and Blaine tease each other about their bet and then discusses Blaine’s college options. Blaine wants to come to NYADA, wants to come to New York. Wants to be in Kurt’s life. Kurt doesn’t know how to feel about that either.
He can see how desperately Blaine wants what they have back, how pointedly Blaine is asking if they’re going to be in each others lives. He tells Blaine it’s okay, agrees that he wants Blaine around, but he’s not sure he can give more than that.
It’s hard to look at Blaine while they’re making dinner. He can feel Blaine’s eyes on him the whole time, but Kurt can barely meet his gaze. This feels too much like the plans they’d made last year, when Kurt had been more naive. That future is gone and Kurt doesn’t know if they can get it back and he doesn’t even know if he wants it back.
What he wants is to go back in time and make it so everything doesn’t hurt so much.
He’s sure he remembers a time he was completely happy, but he can’t think of it right now.
Blaine hums while they cook, and soon delves into singing, Kurt joining in after a few minutes when they’re setting the table. He grabs his father and when Blaine holds out the chair and his dad sits down, Kurt thinks he might actually cry. He settles for shoving food into his mouth even though it tastes like sawdust and he can barely swallow.
Blaine’s still looking at him while they’re eating. Kurt wants to tell him to stop but he can’t because he misses Blaine looking at him like that.
He knows nothing has to be decided today. He knows that his dad is sick but that doesn’t mean he’s dying.
That doesn’t stop the fear from gripping his heart in a vice, making him want to cry out.
When he’s alone, when Blaine and his dad are back on a plane headed for Ohio, Kurt goes back to the loft. He shuts the door, turns on the TV loud so the neighbors won’t hear. He pics up a plate (he hates the design; Rachel had picked it out) and chucks it all the wall. Watching the pieces fall to the floor is satisfying.
He smiles and he cries and then he lets himself scream.
Part of a series of “Season 7” ficlets that look at events in the early married life of Kurt and Blaine.
***** March, 2015
They stumble home from the cast party, relieved to finally make it back to their cozy apartment. It’s freezing outside, but they hardly noticed, so intent were they upon getting back home.
Kurt strips off his coat and throws it towards the hook and doesn’t even flinch when it lands on the floor. He grabs Blaine’s wrist and drags him into the kitchen. He’s got the cabinets open and is rummaging through the glasses before Blaine can even unwind his scarf.
“Are you sure?” Blaine asks. Kurt has already said so, but this is important.
“I’m sure,” Kurt replies, putting his hands on Blaine’s shoulders. His expression is playful, but Blaine knows he is serious. “Let’s get drunk.”
They had each had only two drinks at the cast party - that’s one of their rules, no more than two drinks in a public place, unless it’s at dinner with Blaine’s mom and there’s plenty of food to soak it up. They have experimented with other rules, including a complete prohibition on alcohol unless they were together, but that one fell by the wayside when Kurt got sick of coming along to video game nights and made a two beer exception to the rule; this one has a caveat: Blaine has to drink less than Sam. Their very first rule had been at Kurt’s insistence - no drinking with Rachel. Kurt claimed it had nothing to do with the tattoo incident. Blaine didn’t really believe him, but it wasn’t worth fighting over.