Humanity’s oldest mpreg

So, it’s from old Hurrians, but we only have the latest Hittite version, written about 35 centuries ago.

So, Kumarbi is Anu’s vizier. He tries to kill him to take his place, as viziers do. The fight is rough, so rough that Kumarbi bites off Anu’s balls.

“I win,” he says, “because you can no longer have children to succeed you.” But Anu replies “Oh I will have children, you’re already carrying them!”

Kumarbi tries to spit, but it’s too late. OK, he won, but he’s pregnant and carrying his enemy’s children. And they become big! He wants them to get out, because, well, it’s uncomfortable and shameful, and Anu wants them to come out too.

Anu tries to convince them to get out using Kumarbi’s mouth. Or ears. Something. But they are already bothersome, yet unborn. And they say no. it would not be dignified. It would hurt. There’s no good way to get out of a man’s body.

So Anu goes and sees Ea, god of wisdom, who tries to convince them again, and fails again. Obstinate children! So he takes a Big Knife and cuts Kumarbi’s side.

Only one child can get out. It’s the Desire. He doesn’t take sides, and doesn’t want anything to do with any of his parents. To be honest, he wasn’t very involved in his own conception.

But the second one! Kumarbi hurts so much he goes and sees the Goddess of Plants, who gives him an abortive leaf. It hurts super-bad and doesn’t work.

Ea has another idea: he will do the whole religious ritual for a pregnant woman, with a midwife, prayers, etc, and tries to deceive the baby into thinking the pregnancy is a normal one. And it works! He gets out by “the loins”. I don’t know the details. Imagine what you want.

This child is 100% on his father Anu’s side and helps him getting back his throne. Because poor mothers never get their children on their side, especially when they’re male.

(Later, Kumarbi tries to have a child with a mountain to help him too. But I won’t tell this part of the story here. Sleeping with mountains is not queer. Well, not this way :-) )

A Hittite god, Kumarbi, managed to become pregnant by eating his rival’s penis. His offspring refused to come out through his mouth or ears, and having no vagina he was unable to deliver them. Finally the sea god Ea took them out through his side, as Adam’s God did later. The idea for Adam’s magic birth-giving rib came from a Sumerian childbirth-goddess, Nin-ti, “Lady of the Rib.” Since ti meant both
“rib” and “life,” she was also a Lady of Life. She made infants’ bones in utero from their mothers’ ribs, which is why biblical writers thought ribs possessed the magic of maternity.
An odd male-birth myth came from Persia’s intensely patriarchal
Zoroastrian cult, suggesting a combination of homosexuality and
bestiality. The primal being, the Sole-Created Bull, was castrated and
slain. Its semen went to the moon to be purified; then from this
purified seed two new bulls were formed. From these, “all animals
descended.” The hidden feminine element in this phallic fantasy was
the moon, of course; but the two bulls must have procreated homosexually. This idea was not unknown even in Christian Europe.
“Authorities” like Paracelsus taught that a monster may be born of a
man as a result of oral or anal intercourse with another man. No
matter how impossible it seemed, men apparently wished to preserve at any price the notion that a male could give birth.
—  Barbara G. Walker, “Birth-giving, Male”, The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets (1983)