I Salute You Kris Aquino, For Never Shutting The Fuck Up
Kris Aquino has a lot of shit floating around her life, mostly coming from her own stupid mouth. But amidst all the publicly-open relationship dramas she’s had, amidst all the shit she’s done recently, and amidst her brother actually being the President of the damn country. Kris Aquino never stopped being her own stupid, shitty self. And for that Ms. Aquino, I salute you!
I salute you for having absolutely no dignity at all. Blowing up every detail of your scandalous affairs with various men is truly an act so classless, no human being in their right mind would do it! But you’re not just any proper human being are you Kris? When you resort to crying and sobbing on national TV to win a domestic argument, I guess you’re pretty special.
I salute you for being the most un-humble person of all time. Yes, I’ve done my research, you are totally up there with the greats, someday they’ll induct you into the hall of fame. People will recall you proclaimed yourself to be the “Oprah Winfrey of the Philippines” in what’s supposedly an interview with Oscar winner, Jamie Foxx. But no one will ever forget, that classic braggy move of admitting you haven’t had sex in a loooooooooooong time. That was the Mona Lisa of attention-seeking, you have to be proud of yourself and your well-rested vagina.
I salute you for being a terrible role model. You have touched so much generations and you taught us all one very important lesson. Being a talentless, whiny, tactless, irritating, egomaniac bimbo with obvious psychological issues shouldn’t stop you from being successful! All you have to do is have an iconic surname, and a “will-do-anything” attitude, you’re good to go!
I salute you Kris for being an overall bad Filipino. Thank you for misrepresenting your country! Thank you for setting the bar soooooooo ridiculously LOW. When foreigners see you, it will take absolutely no effort for me, to make a good impression on them. By default, every Filipino is a saint compared to you!
You are one of a kind Kris Aquino. You are a person who has every single terrible human trait below “genocidal and "rape-y”. You make my life simple by being a concrete example of something I should totally avoid. Every time I feel depressed and sad about my mediocre life, I turn on the TV, I look at you, and I simply tell myself: “Hey, at least I’m not Kris Aquino!”
PS. this piece was written after seeing a lot of Kris Aquino videos, so it was typed on my laptop in a state of furious RAGE. So please, don’t mind the typos, terrible diction, and grammatical errors hahaha.
Just like last 2 years’ celebration of Philippine Independence Day, I joined RocketKapre.com’s Twitter discussion/trend/story telling about alternate Filipino history. By means of the hashtag #RP612fic, Twitter users shared their tweet-length stories about our country’s alternative history and realist micro fiction.
I decided to collate and post my #RP612fic tweets here in my blog because eventually, these stories will be covered with other stories, opinion, and whatnots on my timeline. I would like to preserve these precious tweets and let it reach a wider audience through Juan Republic.
During the British occupation, Tormund Giantsbane used giants and a mammoth in trying to penetrate the walls of Intramuros.
Doña Aurora Quezon, with the help of Lord Beric Dondarrion, returned as Lady Stoneheart and took revenge on every Huk members.
With the success of her 7-hour movie on YouTube ‘Querido’, Mystica collaborated with Lav Diaz to make a 17-hour movie.
As a punishment for his crimes against the State, Sen. Bong Revilla was forced to repeatedly watch his movie 'Kilabot at Kembot’.
In the latest episode of 'It takes Zeal to be a Rizal’, Pepe finally admitted that he has a love child with Gertrude Beckett.
Senators Enrile, Estrada, and Revilla are actually the last 3 Targaryens prophesied to ride the dragons and burn the Philippines.
After yet another heartbreak, 80-year old Kris Aquino posted on Instagram saying she’s ready to move on and find true love.
W/o any TV Networks willing to air his new show, W. Revillame built his own Church and called himself 'The Appointed Son of God’.
Right before the trial by combat, Juan Ponce Enrile asked his childhood friend Msgr. Miguel de Benavides to pray for his champion.
Headline: Sandra Cam finally exposes sex video! A bikini-clad Leila de Lima dances 'Roar’ with half-naked Cezar Mancao.
Overheard at the balcony of Malacanang Palace in 1986: “Ako pa din ang Presidente ng Pilipinas! Ngayon at magpakailanman!”
A teenage Jose Rizal updated his Facebook profile with “Edi sa Puso Mo =”>“ as his school and residence.
Elpidio Quirino’s golden arinola was seized by Imelda Marcos and had it smelted into jewelries.
Emilio Aguinaldo was ordered to vacate his post as President of the Republic due to overspending in the Tejeros convention.
Emilio Aguinaldo showed his music video singing 'Salamat Kaibigan’, addressing his innocence in the death of Andres Bonifacio.
The increase in the price of garlic in the local market is a ploy of the Aswangs hoarding its supply. The Treses are not amused.
Available for digital download: Sex tape of Ferdinand Marcos and Dovie Beams.
Captain Pedro Janolino’s last words before delivering his deadly blow to Antonio Luna’s head: "The Aguinaldos send their regards”.
Crisostomo Ibarra found out that he and Maria Clara are actually twins, a productof Padre Damaso’s relationship with Pia Alba.
I could have added other insane stories on my tweets but I didn’t want to flood my followers’ Twitter timeline and I was then in the middle of rushing (read: cramming) my diagnostic examinations for my students (Yes, I’m a High School teacher. Yey.) and watching the FIFA World Cup.
It is said that there are no ifs in history. We cannot dwell on the past and try to change it. But we can always learn from its lessons. As what George Santayana said: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
But we can always use our imagination and think of a good and creative historical fiction. And have a good laugh.
Mabuhay ang Kalayaan! Padayon!
Pinoy Alternate History (Part 1) - My #RP612fic tweets last 2012 - inspired by pop culture, television shows, and conspiracy theories.
Kim talking about how Xian was there for her when her mom died.You want to know why I support KimXi? Because when it mattered most, he was there for her.
Edit: Xian came all the way to Cebu to be with her. He tried to get the earliest flight out to Cebu so he can be there for her as she mourns the loss of her estranged mother. Xian is A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MAN.
Wow.This movie was excellent it has a plot and a good story.It was not like other horror movies which only do was to shock you with their cosmetics and special effects but for Segunada Mano it has a story development and the creepiness was there and in additional it has a funny parts too. And lastly that will shock you was the big big twist in the end that you can’t even imagined what it was until the end of the story. Overall I think this was the best Filiipino horror film that I llike in 2011.
“Ding, ang bato! (inabot ni Ding)(nilunok)(sabay sigaw) DARNA!” Kris Aquino as Darna “Darla, can you make abot-abot naman ng bato over there (inabot ni Darla)(nilunok) Ayy, ang saya SOBRA NAKAKALOKA!” Angelica Panganiban as Darna “Ding! Putangina naman, asan na ang bato? Bilisan mo, kung hindi ipapalamon ko ‘to sa 'yo, tangina ka!” Boy Abunda as Darna “Dheeeeeeng, ang baaattoooooh…now naaaaaah!” Mike Enriquez as Darna “Ding, di kita tatantanan. Iabot mo na, ang bato! (inabot ni Ding)(nilunok) *cough* *cough* Excuse me poh!” Mahal as Darna “Dheeeen, ibijay mu chakin an bachju, bijay mo chakin dayi! Biyichan mo, bijay mu na!” Toni Gonzaga as Darna “At narito na ang mga nakapana-panabik sa loob ng bahay ni Darna, at narito si Ding upang ibigay satin ang latest bato updates.” Liza Soberano as Darna “You were just a Ding that I once knew, I never thought I would be right for you… ♫♪” Nadine Lustre as Darna“Ding, ang bato! (inabot ni Ding)(nilunok)(sabay sigaw) Darna-NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA-NA, wala na 'kong pake basta bahala na… ♪
Nakahiga ako right now habang nagbabasa sa spookify and suddenly, one story caught my attention. Ang conyo niya magkwento as in. Haha! So I decided to check the comment section and read their comments. Imbis na matakot ako sa kwento niya, natawa ako sa way ng pagkukwento niya. Not because she’s conyo ha? Ang babaw lang talaga ng kaligayahan ko kapag nakakabasa ako ng ganun eh. Nag-eecho yung boses ni Kris Aquino while she’s talking with Bimby or Darla. Hahahaha.
zodiac: aquarius height: 5′1′’ last thing i googled: kris aquino memes favourite music artist: so far its lorde song stuck in my head: when you’re gone by avril last movie i saw: this hp movie i forgot which one what am i wearing right now: tank top and shorts why did i choose my url: blackstairs!! protect!! and love them!! do i have any other blogs: my personal one what did your last relationship teach you: Never Again religious or spiritual: spiritual favourite colour: pink average hours of sleep: 5 fgsaf lucky number: 10 favourite characters: a lot but yall need to know that nikolai lantsov owns this ass how many blankets do i sleep with: one dream job: idk yet rip
Step 1. Ihanda ang mga sangkap at rekadong gagamitin. Alangan namang manok na minassacre lang di ba? Ihanda ang bawang, sibuyas, toyo, suka, brown sugar, at paminta. Masarap daw kapag may kasamang pagmamahal. Eh di try mong maghanap sa palengke ng sinasabi mong pagmamahal. Pakyawin mo para masarap na masarap.
Step 2. Simulan sa paggigisa ng bawang at sibuyas gaya ng panggigisang ginawa mo sa jowa mo nung nahuli mo siyang nilike yung DP ng ex niyang lamang ng isang dangkal yung dede kesa sa’yo.
Step 3. Kapag medyo nagbbrown na ang bawang, ilagay ang chinop-chop na manok. Isuot ang shield at full-faced armor dahil maaari kang mapilantikan ng mantika. #BakaMasaktanKaNaNaman. Hindi ka pa rin ba nadadala?
Step 4. Lagyan ng toyo. Kung wala, magmadaling tawagin ang ex jowa mong makitid ang pang-unawa. May toyo din utak nun. Balatan mo ng buhay tapos patuyuin mo sa likod ng ref.
Step 5. Pakuluan ang manok hanggang lumambot. Kung alam lang sana ito ni Popoy, hindi sana naging ganung katigas si Basha. Tusuk-tuskin para malaman. Mahirap ng mag-assume, alam mo yan.
Step 7. Haluin ng mabuti at tikman. Kapag medyo maalat, lagyan ito ng konting suka. Tapos kapag umasim naman, lagyan ulit ito ng toyo. Tapos kapag umalat na naman, lagyan mo ulit ng suka. Lagay lang ng lagay. Makukuha mo din yung lasang gusto mo. try lang ng try. #ParangPagibig
Step 8. Lagyan ito ng konting konting asukal para maranasan mo naman yung konting sweetness na nung simula mo lang ata naramdaman sa piling ng jowa mong nagpapakasweet na ata sa iba. Di ko sure.
Step 9. Kapag hindi mo pa rin feel yung lasa, bahala ka na sa buhay mo maarte ka. Andami mong reklamo please. Yung iba nga walang makain eh. Ang mahalaga may chicken adobo ka. Hindi naman nila malalaman yung lasa kapag naiinstagram mo na.