kremlin mean girls

“Now, who you sit with here in the Russian Federation is crucial, because you’ve got everybody there.

You got your underage-looking tech nerds,


socially awkward diplomats,

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batshit oligarchs,

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Chechen douchebags,

cool Chechens,

chess nerd economists,

politically unfriendly hotties,

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annoying opposition people on LiveJournal,

annoying opposition people in jail,

desperate wannabes,

creepy church guys,

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Sexually active performance artists, 

the greatest people you will ever meet,

and the worst.”

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“Let me tell you something about Mikhail Khodorkovsky. I used to work for him back in the 90s. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in 1999 I was appointed chief of staff of the Russian Federation, and I stared working for and hanging out with Vladimir Putin, and Khodorkovsky was, like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, I would blow him off to help Putin win an election, and he’d be like, "Why are you working for him? He’s so corrupt.” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me? Besides, you’re an oil oligarch, what do you care?” So then, for my birthday party a few years later, which was an all-presidential administration party, I was like, “Mikhail, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re reformer.” I mean I couldn’t have a reformer at my party. There were gonna be government officials there. Putin was gonna be there. I mean, right? He was a REFORMER. So then he called Putin and started yelling at him about how managed democracy sucks and the military has too much power, it was so stupid. And then Mikhail got arrested because he supposedly embezzled a bunch of money, and he was sent to prison until 2017, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on crack.“

“Why should Putin just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? I’m just as cute as Putin, right? I’m just as smart as Putin, people totally like me just as much as they like Putin! And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody? Because that’s not what Russia is about! We should totally just STAB PUTIN!”

“Vladimir Putin…How do I begin to explain Vladimir Putin?”

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“Vladimir Putin is flawless.”

“I hear his dogs are each insured for $10,000.”

“I hear he does polonium commercials…in the UK.”

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“His favorite movie is A Serbian Film.”

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“One time, he met James Bond on a plane…”


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“…And Bond said he was badass.”

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“Vladimir Putin punched me in the face once…it was awesome.”