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#62:// What is pride actually though? Is the parade really helping?

First off, I’d like to wish everyone happy pride. Be proud of who you are whether you’re in the LGBTQ community or not, let your true colours shine! And a HUGE THANK YOU to people who support the community who aren’t LGBTQ.

I’ve never actually been to a single pride festival in my life. Kind of ironic, i know. It’s definitely something i’ve taken advantage of because I know a lot of people aren’t so fortunate to live in a community that is supportive of that kind of thing. This year I’m excited to be able to attend World Pride 2014 that’s being hosted in my current city of Toronto. I’m very excited to make world pride my very first pride festival.

The reason I’ve never gone to a pride festival is mainly because i’ve never really supported it. Not because I don’t support the community or the cause, because I do, it’s really because I feel that most things in pride festivals give people a misconstrued vision of the the LGBTQ community is like.

I understand that the festival is supposed to be fun and all that and the purpose of it is to bring all kinds of people together for support but are things like walking naked in the street and wearing fetish leather harnesses with chains a really good way to represent what we’re all about? Is having an almost public orgy (I’m not saying that they’re are public orgies but you catch my drift) what we’re all about?

I’m not saying they should control what is in the parade and I know that some people really just want to make a statement but is that really the best way to get people to respect us and treat us equally? I know that a lot of people in the community bitching about how others have really wrong impressions of them because of their sexual orientation but how can you blame them if we have parades that are just downright raunchy sometimes?

I’m all for making statements and if it takes two women or two men to make out and kiss in public then i’m all for that. If it takes a million drag queens and transexuals to go out and be free on the street then I’m for that 100% but theres definitely a fine line until it becomes too much and crazy.

Im just saying if we’re trying to gain respect then we should also do it with respect. That’s all.

but besides all that… HAPPY PRIDE :)

3am:

orange juice
tea tree oil
cocoa butter
quiet haus
vape
leaning on the edge of the bed = a+ chest pressure
location location location
am i cute? am i?
french press vs keurig
i want a huge natural light lamp to make art by and fuck up my circadian rhythm w/
good rent vs convenient placement
i should check if i can get prescriptions mailed to me once my insurance starts
give myself time to think and rest
make more art?
wake up early more
at some point work on new business cards
apply to illustrator job (part time)
groceries tomorrow

people I’m uncomfortable around ask about my tattoo and I say “it’s a gender symbol, see these are a combination of the different gender symbols” without disclosing I’m t—- and it’s been working pretty well for me

end of week goals

  • figure out rolling machine
  • learn new dishwasher how to
  • go to pharmacy friday!
  • do laundry sat
  • work out!
  • put some of paycheck in savings
  • draw in portrait jrnl
  • sign up for spx when they announce

i wish I had the chance to “"hang out”“ w art ppl more and by that i mean ask them how they felt about being an emerging artist or a working artist or whatever. it feels rough and scary and too easy and too hard all at once and ive got little to no comparison

i want that letterpress job and fucking niceass marc train rides to dc and to be able to have enough $$ to be able to do therapy if i need it! i want to be valued for my artistic skills in the workplace!!!!!! i want to be heavily gay wherever i am and not surrounded by hypermasculinity!

thinking about the differences between old job and new job…

they both keep me on my feet constantly. we don’t really have a set lunch break at print job we just take a couple minutes & toaster oven our lunch. i gotta assert when i take breaks but it works out im good at asserting

old job…..every day i would hear about something nasty and hurtful. being stopped to be told im invalid and shouldn’t exist as a gay trans man. or being outed to my whole store. let’s not forget the time a man talked to me about trans bathroom laws as “wrong” while waiting for the men’s room. or two guys misgendering me on purpose and not speaking to me once i was outed. i was so scared the last day of work i tried to hold my piss instead of use the men’s room.

new job….i came out literally in my interview, i feel really comfortable around these people and they are beautiful & hardworking souls. my boss went out of her way to train me herself all day my first day. they care about my availability and commute difficulties. my boss also went out of her way to get me my first paycheck next week before direct deposit’s set up.

both jobs take / took a LOT of energy. old job was bc i spent the entire time traumatized and thinking intrusive gender thoughts. old job honestly reopened a lot of trauma for me and i need to regroup and rebuild. it was a really scary space to be in.

i like thinking “oh, it was just retail, you’d have survived it” and devaluing how terrified i was there…except the reality is that all my information is up to date as male and with my current name, and by all rights i deserve to be stealth at a job if i choose. i was being constantly put in unsafe situations. i felt physically ill the last couple days there i was so anxious. i don’t have the energy or the time to talk to free state about the fact that i was force outed at old job. i don’t know if they could do anything. i just want to put it all behind me and grow.

new job’s looking really good so far and is gonna take a lot of energy but it feels rewarding and good and im learning fast. im excited to be a professional.