Daddy’s Blunt Little Instrument...
You know, I’ll never not be absolutely devastated and upset about the fact that Dean probably knew how to shoot a gun before he knew how to read. That he could probably tell you how to get rid of a ghost before he could recite the alphabet. That he knew how to make himself and his little brother dinner and needed to find ways to support them when most other kids didn’t have to worry about anything really.
And I’ll also never not be absolutely devastated and upset about the fact that Dean has always used his entire body as a weapon. That he throws himself in headfirst with all his might, because he fights for the ones he loves with all he got. How he never cared about getting physically hurt.
And I’ll never not be absolutely devastated and upset about the fact that Dean always thought about himself as “a good little soldier”, “daddy’s blunt little instrument”, “as dumb and obedient as an attack dog” and with that let himself and his body be instrumentalized and treated like a weapon when we know that Dean is nothing of what Dean thinks of himself or how he sees himself.
And most of all Dean thinking of himself that way, doing no matter what and using himself and his whole body as a weapon, the show used to make Dean “truly become” a weapon, Michael’s sword.
He never said yes, so he never became that instrument, never played the part that was designed for him - and thank god he was strong enough to not let that happen. But isn’t it all kinds of sad and tragic and devastating to know that Dean Winchester, who fought so hard against him and his family getting instrumentalized and turned into weapons for divine battles out of desperation, out of self-loathing, out of a desire for redemption and punishment took on a burden, accepted a curse and invited a mark on his body that in combination with a blade in the end did turn him into what his mind has been telling him he has always been, nothing but “a good little soldier” (well he’s a knight, so it’s close enough), “a blunt little instrument” (the mark and the blade): a weapon (of mass destruction, because everyone who knows and comes close to him is cursed because of him, that’s what he thinks - so he keeps people at arm’s length, withdraws, says goodbye). A ticking time bomb that needs to be defused.
Yes, I willl never not be absolutely devastated and upset about the fact that Dean himself for most of his life has thought of himself as a “what” and not a “who”. And now weighed down and burdneded by a mark on his arm and a prophecy replaying over and over in his head, he finally realized that there is more to him than all that he thought, but that he thinks it’s too late for him now to ever experience it.
Don’t even look at me, I don’t know where this came from, it’s been a very Deantensive morning so far. ;__;