1. FAQ: What can you use instead of a yarn bowl? Literally anything. Cups. Bowls. Cookie jars. Your little sisters. The skulls of your enemies.
The floor. The floor makes a fantastic place to put yarn.
Unless it’s the floor of your balcony. Because then the yarn will inevitably fall through the slats and the neighbors get kind of peeved about falling yarn cakes and also, you will absolutely have to throw the rest of your knitting after and then go downstairs and fetch it. Or so I’m told. By other people. Who are not me.
2. Whoever told you DPNs are hard and circular needles are where it’s at is a lying liar who is lying with their pants on fire. DPNs are not hard. Stitches do not slip off. There are no funny gaps. You do not poke yourself all the time. Circular needles on the other hand, exist solely because the devil once had a slow day and thought, “How do you think I could ruin people’s lives in the subtlest way?”
3. No. You never have enough yarn.
4. FAQ: How many projects are too many projects to have going at once? This is a trick question. Do not answer. Demand a lawyer. Or more yarn. Or both. Actually, make sure there is always a lawyer in your knitting circle. As a precaution.
5. All lost needles will be in the sofa. Only people who are not you will be able to find them. With their butts. Call it free acupuntcure, laugh, and offer them enough alcohol to not notice when you apply sutures.
6. You still don’t have enough yarn. Your kids, on the other hand, don’t really need that much lunch money. Or do they, the greedy little bastards?
7. You will never feel as in control of your goddamn mess of a life as when you make a gauge swatch. It is a heady feeling, best experienced sparingly so try not to make one more than once a year.
8. People who say knitting involves math obviously don’t understand you at all and really, if you’d wanted that fucking vest to fit, you would have bought it in a goddamn store and not invested a hundred and twenty bucks, seventy-five work hours, a broken marriage and traumatized children in it, so shut the fuck up and admire it, you asshole!!! ADMIRE IT!
9. Maybe get that yarn bowl after all. And that yarn. They match! You’re practically obligated to buy it now. In fact, buy seven skeins. At least.
10. Look. Patterns are really just society’s way of stifling your creative and free spirit, okay? Burn them. Burn them all.
11. Just take the fucking yarn already! Who cares if you can’t afford it. It’s not like the cops will ever -
Messed up the way the colours crossed on my sweater shoulder, so did a controlled unravelling and reknit.
Not even obsessive geeks would have noticed my mistake, but it would have bothered me. Bonus life lesson: look how smooth the final fixed result is! Looking at that, you’d have no idea that it had been completely unravelled and repaired, no idea how long it took, how much I cried, how many friends and experts I reached out to for help, how many friends didn’t understand but were sympathetic, or just how long it’s going to take me to weave in all those loose ends, each of which was necessary but caused a headache.
You’d look at the finished result walking past you in the street and think ‘huh, cute sweater, nice, simple design’.
Nothing worth doing is easy, but sometimes it looks that way from the outside.