knight's nurse

In an AU where Jack never went to Samwell, the Samwell Men’s Hockey team wins a contest to watch the Falconers play the Aces in Las Vegas. In a twenty-four hour period, the following things occur:

- Ransom, Holster, Lardo, and Shitty organize and execute an extravagant yet tasteful double wedding using Shitty’s family’s money

-Whiskey wins $274,548 on slot machines he’s not technically old enough to use 

-Tango loses $274,493 at game tables he’s not technically old enough to be at

-Bitty has a threesome with not one but two NHL stars

-No one can find Dex except for Nursey, who is handcuffed to him in a Denny’s parking lot

-Chris “Chowder” Chow, sunshine of everyone’s lives and the only person to get back to the designated hotel by curfew, has to deal with all of this before the coaches wake up from their hangovers and realize that they’ve missed their flight home.

Check Please Characters as Things Me and My Friends Did In Highschool
  • jack: reading with headphones in, proceeded to loudly say "oh, FUCK" without realizing it was out loud in a completely silent room because of a plot twist
  • bitty: day after the results of the election, immediately filled a starbucks cup with boxed wine and drank it during a budget meeting
  • ransom: looked up right before the test on finals week and said to our whole table "i haven't showered in a week"
  • holster: saw the theatre tea party and proceeded to whip an entire ball gown out of their locker and joined them
  • shitty: got super high on the first day of school while at home, proceeded to give an entire freshman writing orientation while high
  • lardo: wrote an entire piece with absolutely no meaning and just stole the meanings people gave it in workshop as a "social experiment"
  • dex: "i went to dirk's to get coffee and break up with him because my parents didn't like him and we ended up fucking in the bathroom"
  • nursey: fell down the stairs, stood up, gave a thumbs up, fell down more stairs, then ignored the wheelchair we'd sent to walk to the nurse
  • tango: derailed an entire biology class by asking "can lesbians smell other lesbians?" in reference to gay animal species
  • whiskey: got mad at some white boy because he wouldn't shut up in class, proceeded to call him "grant" instead of "graham"
Things Uttered At The Haus

(Based on my own grad school experiences/having very thin walls in my apartment building)

-*offended whisper* “Why don’t you look at me during?*
“What the fuck dude? Have you been watching Game Grumps again?”
“THAT’S NOT THE POINT AND YOU KNOW IT!”

-”It’s three am and I’m making pot brownies because what is life anymore even? Let’s just eat the chocolate and chill out until we die.”

-”KNOCK KNOCK CHUCKLEFUCKS! LET’S TALK ABOUT DISNEY PRINCESS FILMS AND THE EVOLUTION OF THE BULLSHIT DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!”

-*slams a thermos of gin and tonic on the table* “So before we go through our writing group critique, I feel like we all need some of this.”
“Getting drunk at eleven in the morning? Now we’re real writers!” 

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Samwell Mens Hockey: Mic'd Up

Bitty: “Go dye your hair”

Jack: “I’m fifth in the league at face-offs, look at NHL.com" 

Shitty: "Fucking pigeon!” *Coos in opponents direction*

Ransom: “You hit me tonight and you’re getting evicted, I’m jacking the rent up.”

Holster: “I’m mesmerized by your ugliness, I’m tryna get through, I’m like AHHH!”

Chowder: “Its our fucking water bottle, don’t fucking touch it!”

Nursey: “What is violence anyway? Whats that mean?”

Dex: “Hey you can pick which hand I beat the fuck out of you with.”

Tango: “Hey did you lose weight? You look good!”

Whiskey: *sings Gangnam Style while skating around aimlessly*

SMH as things I don't remember doing at a party last night
  • Shitty: spends about an hour and a half discussing dick science (i.e. bouyancy)
  • Jack: absent mindedly strokes a friend's hair
  • Ransom: [rubbing his foot on the fireplace] "will tater love me now?"
  • Holster: says "bip bip bip" on every stair he goes up/down
  • Lardo: [changes into short shorts, sits with her legs wide open] "I feel safe"
  • Bitty: "if you get the chance to stick your dick in sidney crosby, /you stick your dick in sidney crosby/"
  • Nursey: [holding up a pizza cutter] "this circle cuts other circles into triangles"
  • Dex: hands nursey a large decorative spider, says "he's soft" and then lays on the ground
  • Chowder: [laying on the floor crying] "dex if I die tell the sharks I love them"
  • Tango: "I think I just blacked out. I closed my eyes for a second and then I opened them" (a friend, sighing) "you blinked"
  • Whiskey: [playing strip truth or dare] to tango: [waves hand dismissively] "dare, you know my limits"
  • Kent: [points to the glittery decorative skull resting on his head] "I sucked a dick with this mouth"

so i was watching sky high (the greatest disney channel movie ever made tbqh) and heres a superhero au

  • bitty is fast but not like the flash fast. he moves in graceful motions, usually with the arms. hence baking quickly. less focus, more poetic. the same way he is one the ice.
  • jack has super strength but like duh. he can be kinda clumsy about it and gets mad embarrassed but mostly hes pretty good w it. works out a lot. rad bob has it too.
  • parse duplicates. i was torn between that and power negation so basically imagine 17 kent parsons telling you you cant breathe fire.
  • rans and holtz thought they had no powers until they met. turns out they fuze into a giant dude, steven universe style. anyone who makes a m*latto joke gets to find out firsthand what a double strength punch feels like
  • shitty has the power of charisma. everyone loves him so nobody wants to fight him. he could easily use this for world domination but he usually just gets free guac at chipotle. (but it sure does help in the law field)
  • lardo is gadgets + costumes. this might seem like a lame job but really they wouldnt be where they are today without her. plus like, shes basically batman.
  • nursey can freeze time. its really hard to do, and especially hard if hes trying to freeze only one person, so he usually settles for just slowing time/people. he also has the power to calm people.
  • dex explodes. like a fucking grenade. and then he sort of snaps back together. very helpful in battle, but dont sneak up on him.
  • chowder turns into a shark
random things i can’t stop thinking about

what the fuck me 

  • bitty probably has had a full blown dance/karaoke party by himself thinking no one was going to be home for ages only to have someone walk in on him shaking his butt to the beat 
  • he totally doesn’t let out a scream and fall over when he hears the laughter 
  • once ransom was so sleep deprived from exams and studying he walked into the kitchen and grabbed the first bowl he saw and put cereal and milk in it 
  • then started eating it
  • holster screamed in horror and snatched it away when bitty asked where the brownie batter bowl went 
  • ransom didn’t notice and he was too dead inside to care

got carried away and i didnt clean it up lmao

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