knight nine

  • Shitty: If anything goes wrong, fake a heart attack.
  • Jack: What are we thinking the classic angina or something sexier like a myocardial infarction?
  • Shitty: Just drop on the ground and wiggle.
Elder Scrolls: A Summary
  • Arena: Help! You must find all eight pieces of this staff to defeat the main antagonist! Did I mention that all the pieces are in eight different locations scattered all over the world? Have fun!
  • Daggerfall: Help! You must choose to give this all powerful Numidium to one of six potential factions! This will in no way affect the outcome of the next game however! Have fun!
  • Morrowind: Help! An all powerful self-created God, Dagoth-Ur is rising. You, the reincarnate of a long-dead hero must destroy the Heart of Lorkhan to defeat him once and for all! By the way, good luck with that whole claiming to be the Nerevarine thing. Have fun!
  • Bloodmoon: Help! Werewolves are attacking a fort on an island off Vvardenfell! When you're not defeating Dagoth-Ur, come help us solve this mystery! Oh, and a Daedric prince is involved? Have fun!
  • Tribunal: Help! Sotha Sil of the tribunal is going mad, and must be defeated, so as to save Morrowind! Oh wait, Almalexia, are you okay? Have fun!
  • Oblivion: Help! The emperor is dead! Quick, find his illegitimate son so we can stop Mehrunes Dagon from invading Tamriel. Whoops, lost the Amulet of Kings, it won't be that hard to get back, right? Have fun!
  • Shivering Isles: Help! A portal has opened up and it leads to the realm of the Daedric prince of Madness! You must go try and close the portal! Don't accidentally become a daedric prince yourself or anything! Have fun!
  • Knights of the Nine: Help! We must restore the Knights of the Nine to take down a historic enemy back from the dead! You have time to do that whilst shutting Oblivion gates, right? Have fun!
  • Skyrim: Help! You, the one we tried to behead for no reason, you are a Dragonborn! So yeah, only you can stop Alduin, fabled dragon, world eater, from destroying Tamriel. Just try and avoid that civil war happening too. Have fun!
  • Dawnguard: Help! A faction of vampires have appeared, we must create a new faction of vampire hunters to stop them at any cost! Wait, why are you a vampire now? Have fun!
  • Dragonborn: Help! That creepy werewolf island is back! This time another Dragonborn is jealous of your new found fame! Oh dear, another daedric prince is involved this time... Have fun!
  • Hearthfire: Help! I need a new Thane, and you need a house! Also, adopt some children... have fun!
  • Online: Help! Molag Bal is invading Tamriel and will enslave everyone! You, the Vestige, are the only one that can stop him! Oh, and can you deal with every single village in Tamriel's problems? Have fun!
  • Shitty: Don't let Lardo fool you, she's not that scary. She used to do ballet.
  • Chowder: No way.
  • Lardo: Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with your feet.

Dragon Age fans/players: Awww elves! So cool and awesome uwu

Me, who has only ever played TES:

-flashbacks to Umaril and the Knights of the Nine DLC-

- Umbacano and his bullshit treasure hunt-

-The wonderful endless source of bullshit and pain that is the Falmer-

-Mannimarco-

-Literally the entire plot of Morrowind-

- The Thalmor/Aldmeri Dominion-

-The fact that Psijic Robes are not available as a clothing item in Skyrim-

- Dwemer Ruins-

Nah i think i’ll pass on the elves, thanks.