klout

Yes yes but would MLK have been a Belieber?

3 Moronic Marketing Stunts People Are Pulling on Twitter

Whether you’re plugging your stupid blog or your case for invading Syria, Twitter has become the go-to vehicle for self-promotion. Unfortunately, a lot of the people doing the promoting are clueless about their readership, good taste, and self-awareness, thereby creating a triple threat of social media dumbness.

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I’ve signed into Klout.com exactly two times in my life.

The first time was when I joined. The only reason I signed up was so that I could get a free Spotify invite. I got in, got my invite, and never went back.

A few months later I got an email from Klout telling me that I had earned a Klout Perk. So, I signed in again to see what that was all about. Apparently, with zero effort, I had earned this perk: a free “Subaru: Dog Tested. Dog Approved.” fleece blanket.

Now, I have no idea what I did to earn that besides maybe posting about Subaru a few times, but regardless… I’m not going to complain about free fleece blankets.

I guess what I’m saying is that Klout’s alright with me as long as they keep sending me free stuff.

So it looks like you can deactivate and delete your Klout Account and tell them not to bother you ever again and then a year or so later your Klout Score will go up and they’ll start sending you emails.

Time to file a restraining order, I guess.

UPDATE: The email I just sent help@klout.com

I opted out of Klout over a year ago, and here I have an email from you. I’ll put this as plainly as I can.

You’re not my girlfriend. You never WERE my girlfriend. I don’t want to date you.  When we talked that one time, I was being nice. You seemed okay-harmless. I realize that was a mistake. You’re creepy, spying on people. Sending them things that say “You don’t know me, but I know you’re really into Batman, so why not take these tickets for the premiere? Also, that’s a nice shirt.” Please, please leave me alone. There are plenty of other lonely people who might want a person who need a relationship like that, but not me. Honest.

Regarding that Klout Knife Fight Perk
  • Me: [I just received a ridiculous Klout perk to watch Knife Fight, which is apparently an "underground cooking competition".]
  • Shawn Morrison: Would be perfect if it was actually a show about knife fights. (Perfect for you.)
  • Dan Wineman: Better yet, a show about pro chefs knife fighting. Like a cooking contest where you can either make the best souffle or you can stab the other guy.
  • Shawn Morrison: Gordon Ramsey vs The Barefoot Contessa. To the death.
  • Dan Wineman: Exactly.
  • Dan Wineman: "Let's see if Alton Brown can whisk up a perfect hollandaise... while fending off Guy Fieri's Blades of Crispy Guy-talian Death."
  • Me: "You're watching Food Network: Today's best and brightest chefs, all murdered in knife fights so it's hard to tell what we'll be doing in 6 months."
  • Dan Wineman: But what a glorious 6 months it would be.
  • Me: Indeed.
  • Me: I can't stop picturing Rachel Ray, whimpering and covered in blood and flesh, standing over Paula Deen's enormous corpse, holding her severed head.
  • Me: Then again, that was the case before this conversation.
  • Shawn Morrison: Rachel Ray would totally be the last one standing. Still just smiling like an idiot.