The best parts of me aren’t real. I’ve created this person for you to love and I’m a little too tired tonight to bring her out.
Yeah I know this isn’t what you signed up for but I told you what you were in for darling.
I’m giving you a way out now, handed you the eviction notice to our love. Take it and run.
You don’t need me and I don’t love you.
I’m still holding onto the little bit of hope I have left.
I’m still holding onto the possibility that I’ll be okay one day.
I’m still holding onto the hope that one day I will mend myself into the person I want to be.
We took so many pauses.
So many breaks and stops and red lights and u-turns just to get through the night.
And its funny because in the end he left, put his foot on the gas and never looked back. I think he said we were too stagnant or maybe we were like two ships passing in the night.
I can’t remember
I think I was drunk when he left.
I think I was drunk throughout the entire relationship.
I think a lot lately mostly about myself and what I’m doing now, without him. I think he loved me though, truly loved me.
I think I broke his heart.
I know shits different now but I hope you’re well and you’ll always have a special place in my heart and I know that doesn’t mean much to you because your heart is sitting in the corner of my room where you left it.
I know it’s different between us now and you don’t understand why I walked away but you deserve someone who can love you as much as you love me.
When shit hits the fan I know you expect me to stay and work through it with you, but darling I’m a runner and I’ll always be looking for a way out.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed but thank you for loving me.
I kept drinking because it was the only time I felt alive.
I kept drinking because I needed to stop thinking of jumping off the edge.
I wanted to drown myself in something other than the melancholy feeling that surrounded me.
I kept drinking to forget about the scars that covered my body, sometimes I think there’s more scar than skin.
I kept drinking to forget all the places his hands had been even though I said no.
I kept drinking because sometimes I didn’t want to feel alive, I wanted numbness. I wanted to feel numb and blurry all over.
I love the feeling of having him wrapped around my finger.
I feel like I’m on top of the world because he puts me on a pedestal.
He thinks I’m honest, kind and loving.
Lord if only he knew that I am a liar, thief, selfish, manipulating person with a heart made of stone.
I guess sometimes we have to learn the hard way.
I know mentally his bags are packed and he’s ready to walk out that door and leave me behind. I got so used to being alone that I can’t let him in no matter how wide he leaves the door open. He’s pretending not to see how self destructive I am. He thinks he can save me by loving me and I feel so bad for him because I know when he walks out that door his heart will be left in my hands.
I can tell something is wrong.
He normally drives with one hand on mine, today both hands are on the steering wheel.
I can feel the silence
settling in my chest.
Here it is.
He’s tired of my relapsing, I guess he doesn’t realize
I’m tired too.
He is not my medication, I can no longer use him for my happiness,
he says he is more than that.
He can’t stand my fear of crowds,
he hates having to worry every time the stars
I might relapse again.
He says, “what if one day you don’t wake up?”
The air is tight
and I knew all along he
would break me.
But I guess it’s my fault for making him believe he could fix me.
I love the guys that are no good for me. I know I said this before but this time I need you to listen, and not just hear me.
I like the guys that leave me covered in bruises not the ones that leave
roses at my door.
I like the boys that take you to their bedroom, through the
backdoor; not the ones that show you off to their moms.
I like the guys that can fuck me and get up and erase me from their memory.
I like the guys that can say,
“I love you” just as fluently as they can say,
“fuck you, I don’t need this.”
I love the guys that
will not ever