kjeåsen

Garip bir detaysın…
Seni öylesine özlüyorum ve ölesiye de uzak kalmak zorundayım sana.
Nefes alamıyorum ama alabildiğimce aldığım her nefesimin yolu sana çıkıyor.
Deniyorum ama beceremiyorum senden başkasının gözlerinde boğulmayı..
Çoğu şeyden mahrum kaldım sensizken ama inan bana  mahrumiyetlerin en güzeliydi bu.
Kilometrelerce uzaksın bana ama sanki aramızda santim yok öylesine de yakınsın sanki bana.
Ne haldesin bilmiyorum ama dikkat et kendine lütfen.
Çünki artık hiçbir cümleye ağlayamıyorum seni.
Bana seni sorsalar, bana beni sorsalar inan her zerrem sende can bulur.
Dört tarafı gözyaşlarıyla çevrili artık sensizliğimin ülkesinde her toprak.
Bundandır seni anlatan satırlarımın ağlayan tarafı.
Bundandır sana gelemeyişlerimin sebebi.
Bir hız girdabının içindeyim ama  sanki o girdap sensizken dönmüyor o denli de çıkmazlarda ve sana mahkumum.
—  felsefiperest

bir uzak sabah denizidir gittiğin kapı
ellerinde rüzgarın taşınmaz çamurları var
köpürmüş soylarımı toplarken çürüyen yanlarımdan
inan batmış şehirler gibi onarılmaz anılar
gözlerinde unuttuğum o eski aciz miras
almaya gelsem soluğumda dalgın yosun kokusu
biliyorum artık hiçbir gemi beni taşımaz
ve yeniden büyür içimde mağrur bir zakkum gibi
                                                terkedilmek korkusu


hüznünü ver bana yeter, gizli hüznünü

               kolları bağlı hüzün olsun dört yanım
ırağına vurma beni kirvem, ağlarım, delirirsin
sonra derler haklıdır sevdası
geç olur ki artık onarmaz rakılar
geç olur bir yaraya rakının dağılması

sen denize sırtını dönen uykusuz dağlı
gemiler nerde (ki çoğu hüviyetidir melankolinin)
nerde aykırı mavzerler (onlara sığdıramazsın ki öfkelerini)
barut esmeri tenine sevdalarımı sürdüğüm
nasıl taşıdın bunca yıl delirmiş saçlarında
                                          o eski şark yelini
biliyorum dokunsam parmaklarım kırılır
dokunmasam eşkîya uykusuzluğu çetin silahlar gibi

Şubat 1979

“So?” Hao asked, falling on to the couch beside Jia. “You want us to take her around tomorrow?”

“Yeah, show her around, get to know her, that kind of thing.” Liang replied, leaning forward.

Jia stretched his arms above his head. “You want our opinion, but how do you really feel about her?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. She makes me think of settling down and having children.”

“Shit seriously?” Hao asked and then laughed. “How bad do you have it for her?”

Liang put his head in his hands. “Pretty fucking bad.”

“Have you told her?” Jia asked quietly.

Liang looked at Jia and shook his head. “No.”

Hao reached over and patted Liang on the knee. “Well now that you’ve got a girl and I’ve got a great girl, we just gotta get a girl for Jia.”

Jia laughed quietly. “Yeah, one for me.”

Liang watched him for a bit, gauging his reaction as Hao went on about all the girls at a club he could introduce him to. Slowly, realization dawned on him. “Jia, we need to talk.”

The tone he used was the same one he used with his men. It meant he wanted to talk now, and alone. Hao got the hint. “Oh, I just remembered I gotta go call my girl. I’ll be back in a bit.”

When Hao left, Jia was looking down at his hands, as Liang tried to figure out what was the best way to discuss this. “You’re not into women are you?”

Jia’s head shot up and the quick flash of fear in his eyes was all the confirmation Liang needed. “What? What are you talking about? Of course I am.”

“Please, don’t lie to me. If there’s one thing I ask of you and my men, it’s not to lie to me.”

Jia looked down at his hands again. “No.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I… I was afraid that you would be disappointed.”

“Disappointed? The only disappointment I feel is in myself for not realizing it sooner. How long have you known?”

“I’ve known since high school. When you and Hao would go out partying and spend nights with girls, it made me uncomfortable to do the same. I never said anything because I thought I would disappoint you that I wasn’t following the same lifestyle as you.”

Liang shook his head. “You’re your own man. I’m not going to be upset that you didn’t like the same activities as me, especially during that time in my life.” He grinned at Jia. “I guess this means we have to find you a man.”

“Actually, there is someone I’ve been seeing.” Jia replied, quietly.

“When will I meet him?”

“Uh… you already have.” Jia took a deep breath. “It’s Tai.”

“Tai?” Liang repeated with mild shock. That he hadn’t been expecting.

“Please don’t tell Hao. He has no idea and Tai said he wanted to be the one to tell Hao.”

Liang took a bit of time to process all this info and nodded. He understood that need to be the one to tell family news. “I trust you and your judgement, Jia, but do not wait too long. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt Hao to learn you were seeing his brother without telling him.”

He nodded. “Thank you, Liang. We won’t wait too long, but Tai hasn’t found the right time to tell him. We will though.” When Liang nodded in approval, Jia quickly scanned his brain to change subjects. “Um… congratulation on finally finding her.”