kitty wife

Shit my wife has said to our cat, part 6

- Eat your gruel, orphan. Big Momma loves you.

- Is the devil your sponsor? Was he there as your midwife to usher you into this world?

- Are you poxed, you sunnovabitch? Look at him! He’s poxed!

- (singing) you’re just a chicken in a cat suiiiit!

               -(still singing, to the tune of Nelly Furtado’s hit single) I’m like a biiiird, a               chicken in cat suit! I can’t fly awayyyy! Cause chickens can’t flyyyyy.

- Throw some dirt on it! You’re terrible! You’re beautiful! You’re a gremlin! You’re so…. fucking CUTE.

- You love me so much and I don’t give a lick! That’s not true. I’d save you from a fire, I guess, if you were conveniently found. I mean, if you were waiting by the door I’d pick you up. 

- Kill the string! Murder it so it cannot have children.

- You just had to be an eyeball-sniffing bitch!

- Hi, buddy! How’s it going? We were just talking about wieners. Half of yours was cut off!

- You moved so I could hold your belly! Your belly is a superhighway to your butt! We learned about your body today, Miss Kitty! Science and anatomy! 

- You purr because you are full of bees, angry bees that you swallowed because you are the swallower of bee worlds. 

- Oh my God your face! Your stupid fucking face! You’re so cute? Put it in a box you stupid face. Face. FACE.

- That’s right! Big momma knows how to love you right! That should be the name of my boxcar band.

- You should be dipped in soapy water and used to clean dishes. At least you’d get a bath then, you little shit.

- You’re okay. No, no, you’re a shithead, but on my list of shitheads you’re pretty high up there.

- I just peed for like thirty minutes. My bladder was so full it was painful. And I’m telling you this, cat, because you seem to want to piss everywhere.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

  • Holly: Which country has the most birds? Portu-geese.
  • Brian: That’s a language.
  • Arin: Portu-gull.
  • Suzy: Nice recovery.
  • Ross: Don’t you mean 'nice re-dove-ry'?
  • Dan: Turkey. How did we miss Turkey?
  • Ross: I am a bad person. I am a very very bad person. I am a horrible person.
  • Dan:
  • Arin:
  • Barry:
  • Suzy:
  • Holly:
  • Brian:
  • Vernon:
  • Ross: 'No you're not, Ross! We still love you, Ross!'