Oh no! It’s Halloween, you’ve just been invited to a costume party, and you have no costume! Naturally, you want to go as a Bleach character. But how can you put together a super cheap, last-minute costume? Don’t fear - I am here to help!
So if you want to go as…
What you need: A bucket and some winter gloves
Your costume: Put the gloves and your hands and the bucket on your head. Congratulations! You’re Komamura on casual day!
What you need: A turtleneck shirt, three dollars, and three lady friends
Your costume: Pull the turtleneck over your mouth and pay each of your friends one dollar to follow you around all night, looking at your longingly and aggressively telling off anybody who tries to flirt with you. Congratulations! You’re Halibel!
What you need: Jogging clothes and flour.
Your costume: Go jogging. When you’re nice and sweaty, dump a whole bag of flour right over your head. The sweat will make it stick. I assume. Because science. Congratulations! You’re Hichigo! Just don’t touch any furniture at the party or you’ll never be invited to another.
What you need: A headband and the biggest spoon you own
Your costume: Use the headband to tie the spoon to the back of your head. If anybody criticizes your costume, yell at them. Congratulations! Your’re Nnoitra!
What you need: A sheaf of paper
Your costume: Hold the sheaf of paper. Enter the party on your knees if you’re taller than Hitsugaya. Sit in a corner all night pretending to work. Yell at anyone who interrupts you. Congratulations! You’re Hitsugaya!
What you need: Nothing
Your costume: Hold both hands in the shape of guns all night. Congratulations! You’re Starrk! Bonus if you just spend the party sleeping.
What you need: Nothing
Your costume: Go to the party naked. Congratulations! You’re Yoruichi!
What you need: Some colored markers
Your costume: Go to your local park. Chase around some birds until you are able to collect like three feathers. Use the markers to color the feathers, which I assume is something that will work. Put the feathers behind your ear. Congratulations! You’re Yumichika!
What you need: A razor and some eye shadow.
Your costume: Put the eye shadow on your face. Then shave your head. The razor will be cheap, but your commitment to the costume? That’s totally free!
What you need: Toilet paper rolls
Your costume: Glue three toilet paper rolls together. Glue them to the top of your head. Glue another two together. Glue them to the side of your head. Congratulations! You’re Byakuya! Bonus if you can find a handful of flower petals to throw in the air at dramatic moments. Although you may be asked to leave the party after the first time.
What you need: A pineapple, five dollars, and a handheld vacuum cleaner
Your costume: Pay your short friend five dollars to follow you around all night holding the pineapple behind your head. Congratulations! You’re Renji! The vacuum is to clean up the flower petals that Byakuya is throwing everywhere.
12. Soi Fon
What you need: Nothing
Your costume: Ignore your hosts and the other guests, and instead spend all night hanging out with their kitty. Congratulations! You’re Soi Fon!
What you need: A relative who dresses up as Santa Clause during the holidays
Your costume: Steal the beard. Wear it. But don’t wear a shirt. Congratulations! You’re Yamamoto!
What you need: A very, very short friend
Your costume: Dress the same as your very, very short friend. Make sure the two of you are never in the room at the same time. When you guys switch places, yell “POOF” and tackle anyone dressed as Ichigo. Congratulations! You’re adult Nel and kid Nel!
What you need: Nothing
Your costume: Stay home. When people ask why you didn’t go to the party, look at them with giant, sad eyes and say you WERE there but they just didn’t notice you. Congratulations! You’re Sasakibe.
It is now time for Yoruchi to make clear to all of her “rivals” that Soi Fon is, in fact, hers.
1. To Urahara
I know I used to tease Soi Fon about her crush on you, Kisuke, but I only did that because she made such hilarious faces! It’s pretty obvious that she actually hates you. So I think you should stay away. Unless you like being locked in a kido box, that is!
Which, to be fair, you might.
2. To Omaeda
On the one hand, Soi Fon openly despises you and belittles you and tells you stay away from her and gets angry when you help her….but on the other hand, captains and lieutenants are always shipped.
I’m just saying - I wouldn’t get your hopes up.
3. To Unohana
As the only other (current) female captain, you are understandably shippy with Soi Fon! But I think that you guys are pretty incompatible otherwise. I mean, Soi Fon likes her fights to be over quickly and she thinks that sneaky beats straightforward every time. You think a Kenpachi like yourself could handle that? I don’t think so!
4. To Hachigen
You actually got Soi Fon to work with you, which is quite an accomplishment! And she is grateful, in her own Soi Fon way, for the kido box business. But you shouldn’t take either of those things as an encouraging sign! Soi Fon doesn’t forgive easily, and she really does hate everyone associated with Urahara. Except for me, of course!
5. To Tatsuki
There are so many things going for you and Soi Fon! You guys have a similar attitude toward life. You’re both great at martial arts. You are both pretty gay. But unfortunately…the two of you have never actually met. And you’re a human. That’s two big strikes against you! And for Soi Fon, two strikes is all it takes!
6. To Grimmjow
But in all seriousness, I think Soi Fon likes kitties because she loves me. She won’t automatically love you just because you’re a kitty. Especially not with that super awkward body suit!
7. To Ggio
You know, it’s funny. Even though *you’re* the kitty, it was Soi Fon who spent the fight playing with you the way a cat plays with a mouse. You probably found that hot. But Soi Fon didn’t. She just looked at you as an item to be thrown away once you outlived your usefulness. And then she popped you like a tiger balloon!
8. To Barragan
You caused her arm to dissolve before her eyes. You can’t fix that.
9. To Ichigo
Hmmm…I wonder if Soi Fon knows that you’ve seen me naked a couple of times…I never told her about it.
But I COULD.
10. To Byakuya
Just know that if you got together with Soi Fon, she’d be thinking about me the whole time.
Soi Fon loves Yoruichi, in either a platonic or a romantic way, depending on how you read them. Regardless, what are some of Soi Fon’s favorite things to do with her mentor?
1. Go on missions
I imagine that especially when Soi Fon was young, there was nothing that she liked more than getting to go on hollow-hunting or reconnaissance missions with Yoruichi. Or really any missions.
Yoruichi: Today’s mission is to go through my cabinets and throw out any moldy food hiding in there! Any volunteers?
Tiny Soi Fon: Ooooh, pick me! Pick me!
Yoruichi: …Soi Fon, I’m kidding.
Tiny Soi Fon: BUT THE MISSION
Again, this is more tiny Soi Fon, but training with Yoruichi? That must have been pretty awesome.
Yoruichi: Great job, Soi Fon! You almost blocked some of my hits, there!
Soi Fon: I-I will get better, Yoruichi-sama!
Later, as an adult, I have to imagine that Soi Fon kinda liked fighting with Yoruichi. Not so much the first time, as that ended with Soi Fon crying on the ground. But later. Nothing like some one-on-one fights to show your mentor how far you’ve come!
Soi Fon: And now to use a technique that I totally invented and which still counts as my invention even if you independently came up with it because dammit I did invent it by myself!
Yoruichi: Still a little bitter about the shunko thing, huh?
Soi Fon: All I’m saying is that I’m cool for inventing it.
4. Snuggle with kitty Yoruichi
Because who wouldn’t love to snuggle with Yoruichi in her kitty form.
Soi Fon: S-she is asleep on my lap.
Soi Fon: She is purring.
Soi Fon: …
Soi Fon: I will never move again, for I am the chosen one.
5. Play with kitty Yoruichi
Because sometimes with kitty Yoruichi, it is play time rather than snuggle time.
Soi Fon: Sometimes it is hard to tell if you want a belly rub, or if you are setting a trap, Yoruichi-sama.
Soi Fon: Good thing I have lightning fast ninja reflexes!
Soi Fon: And also your favorite string!
6. Tease Urahara
Tiny Soi Fon secretly (and not so secretly) relished those times that Yoruichi asked for her help in pranking Urahara.
Tiny Soi Fon: He will be so surprised when he drinks his tea and realizes it is full of POISON!
Yoruichi: Um, I said to fill his tea with salt, Soi Fon.
Tiny Soi Fon: Really? I could have sworn you said poison.
Yoruichi: KISUKE DON’T DRINK THAT
7. Tease Byakuya
Yoruichi loved to go tease Byakuya when he was an angry teenager. What if she sometimes brought tiny Soi Fon along? Probably tiny Soi Fon would like it.
Tiny Byakuya: MY FLASH STEP IS BETTER THAN YOURS NOW, DEMON CAT, AND I WILL CATCH YOU!!
Tiny Soi Fon: How dare you disrespect Yoruichi-sama in this manner? Prepare to die for your insolence!
Tiny Byakuya: BRING IT
Yoruichi: They’re so cute together!
And other activities intended to help tiny Soi Fon out of her shell.
Yoruichi: Don’t worry, Soi Fon! I won’t make you go onto that stage alone!
Tiny Soi Fon: Thank you, Yoruichi-sama!
Yoruichi: I’m sending Kisuke up there with you!
Tiny Soi Fon: WHAT?!?
And other strategy games intended to help tiny Soi Fon with her ninja strategy. Which would have worked, too, had Yourichi not cheated. Constantly.
Tiny Soi Fon: Y-Yoruichi-sama, the knights don’t move that way!
Yoruichi: These knights do! They’re liberated!
Tiny Soi Fon: Yoruichi-sama!
10. Lay with her head in Yoruichi’s lap, looking at the stars
Because, um, who *wouldn’t* want to snuggle with Yoruichi while watching the stars?
Soi Fon: This is the happiest I think I will ever be in my life.
Let’s just imagine that Bleach characters are fairly diverse in the pajama department, and that they really like pajamas that this blogger happens to be familiar with (*cough*). What kind of pajamas might they wear?
Wears one of those frilly white nightgowns and a night cap, like old ladies in black and white movies.
Ukitake: Because they are surprisingly comfortable!
Boxer shorts and an old faded T-shirt.
Lisa: Which doubles as my lounge wear.
Fuzzy flannel pajamas with feet. The feet are shaped like smiling puppies.
Hiyori: And I will punch anyone who says anything about how they’re “too adorable” for me!!!!!
Shinji: She’s not lying about that.
Makes his own pajamas: long white cotton pants, with a button down, long sleeved cotton shirt. They are decorated with little pink hearts.
Ulquiorra: The button-down shirt allows me to more easily reveal my espada number, if necessary.
Just sleeps in pajama pants
Grimmjow: My chest is way too hot to sleep in a shirt.
Grimmjow: It’d probably catch on fire or something.
Sleeps in the traditional Kuchiki pajamas
Byakuya: They are white and made of silk.
Byakuya: The Admiral Seaweed stuffed animal is less traditional.
Sleeps in a see-through pink teddy
Szayel: Although I have a robe for when I receive guests.
Szayel: It’s sheer!
Sleeps in his clothes, mostly.
Hitsugaya: I sleep at my desk a lot.
Sleeps in an oversized shark T-shirt.
Halibel: My fracciones got it for me.
10. Soi Fon
Sleeps in fuzzy flannel pajamas decorated with happy dancing kitties.
Soi Fon: …
Soi Fon: I’m a ninja by day.
Sleeps in ridiculous poofy pajama bottoms, no shirt, and a giant pointy night cap.
Nnoitra: Tesla says I look cool!
Kyoraku: As more than one of my subordinates have discovered.
Okay, so I don’t know where this idea came from, but here we go. “Crazy cat lady” is a term applied to people who happen to adopt…more cats than is usual. In this list, we will imagine that Bleach characters are the type of people who just adopt a lot of cats. What particular form would their “crazy cat lady” persona take?
Also Orihime will be visiting each of them, just to provide a reaction!
1. Tosen: Has 19 identical cats, all named “Steve.”
Nobody can tell them apart but him.
Tosen: And this is Steve…and that is Steve…and that is Steve…and that is Steve…
Orihime: Um, is the one on my lap Steve?
Tosen: No, that’s Steve.
Tosen: But I like that you’re trying.
2. Byakuya: Has a dozen gorgeous Persian cats
Their coats *gleam*. Because Byakuya brushes each of them for an hour a day.
Orihime: Wow! Do you have time to do anything else?
Byakuya: Sometimes I tell my cats stories about a lovable seafaring seaweed admiral. Does that count?
Orihime: Um, sure!
3. Chad: Just can’t stop adopting street cats.
And he strongly cares for each one.
Chad (arms full of cats): I just can’t say no to an adorable cat in need.
4. Ichigo: Can’t figure out where all of his cats are coming from
It seems like every day he has a new cat.
Ichigo: First it was just that black kitten.
Ichigo: Then there was that white kitten.
Ichigo: And then that weird blue kitten.
Ichigo: Where do I get all of these kittens??
Orihime: It’s a mystery!
5. Grimmjow: Cats just follow him
Every time he turns around, there is another couple of cats happily trotting behind him.
Grimmjow: WHY WON’T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?!
Orihime: They love you!
Grimmjow: BUT WHY
6. Urahara: Adopts a dozen kitties, and showers them with love.
Urahara is your classic “crazy cat lady."
Urahara: There are three kittens sleeping in my hat!
Urahara: This is the greatest day of my life!
Tessai: Time to open the shop, boss.
Urahara: Not now! Kitties!
7. Kenpachi: Always has a kitten on his shoulder. Always.
Even when he doesn’t realize it.
Kenpachi: Where’s that mewing coming from?
Orihime: Your shoulder, I think!
Kenpachi: Man, kittens love it there for some reason.
8. Isshin: Enthusiastically shows his cat pictures to everyone.
But mostly to Ryuken.
Isshin: And here’s my other favorite kitten, Bluebell!
Isshin: Isn’t she the cutest?
Orihime: She is!
Ryuken: Do you have to do this in my office?
9. Ishida: Makes tiny outfits for his cats.
His cats hate him.
Ishida: Look! This one’s dressed as a tiny Quincy!
Orihime: Your cats may murder you in your sleep.
10. Rukia: Likes to put things on her cats’ heads.
Especially bunny ears. That never fails to crack Rukia up.
Rukia: Look! Cat-bunnies!
Orihime: Your cats are pretty chill, huh?
11. Hanataro: Works tirelessly to make sure the litter boxes are always clean.
Hanataro doesn’t want any of his cats to face a dirty litter box!
Hanataro: Smells better than my day job, too!
Orihime: W-where do you work?
12. Kurotsuchi: Trains his cats to use the toilet.
Kurotsuchi does not have time for litter boxes.
Kurotsuchi: Yeah, betcha Urahara’s cats can’t do this!
13. Rose: Trains his cats to "sing.”
Well, yodel in chorus anyway.
Rose: And that was a new composition! What did you think?
Orihime: It was… so different!
14. Nanao: Names all of her cats after book characters.
Nanao: And that’s Heathcliff, and that’s Moby Dick, and that’s Katniss.
Orihime: Heh, KATniss!
Orihime: N-not a pun then?
15. Ukitake: Is always playing with them.
Laser pens, string, catnip…Ukitake will always find the time to play whatever game his kitties want.
Ukitake: This is the “chewing on my hair” game!
Orihime: They sure seem to like it!
16. Soi Fon: Pretends she’s indifferent, but will not stop talking once you get her started.
Soi Fon likes to play it cool. But she’s not good at it.
Soi Fon: Yeah, so here’s my place.
Orihime: Oh my goodness, what adorable kitties!
Soi Fon: AREN’T THEY, THO?!?
17. Starrk: Likes to nap in a kitten pile.
Or rather, the kittens like to nap in a pile on top of Starrk.
Orihime: Should I come back later?
18. Unohana: Nobody knows how many cats she has.
And somehow, this is very frightening.
Unohana: I get the impression that there is a rumor that I am some sort of witch.
Unohana: Or possibly that I am recruiting a cat army for nefarious purposes.
Back when Urahara originally trained Ichigo, he gave him a protective headband for his fight with Ururu. He also told Ichigo that in order to “activate” the head band he had to shout, “Amazing headband of justice in place! Amazing armor of justice protect me now!” Ichigo initially refused because it was super embarrassing and he’s fifteen, but eventually he shouted it because he didn’t want Ururu to kill him. Then it turned out that Urahara basically just wanted to see if he could get Ichigo to say it. So how could Urahara trick other Bleach characters into shouting ridiculous things?
1. Soi Fon
Urahara: Oh, Soi Fon! I got you a present! If you chant the words on this paper, you’ll be able to communicate with Yoruichi! Any time! Any place!
Soi Fon: This is ridiculous. I don’t believe you in the slightest.
Soi Fon (later): …
Soi Fon (whispers): “Kitty ears twitch and kitty nose wiggle. May your purr rumble and reach me across the void. Super awesome kitty communication spell of awesome is a go!”
Urahara: I knew you’d try it!
Soi Fon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY WINDOW
Urahara: Oh, Sado. Here’s the special glove I promised you. It makes your punches 200% more powerful!
Urahara: To activate just shout, “Punch! Punch! Punch! I am the punching king! Young and fierce, only seventeen!”
Chad: Okay. “Punch! Punch! Punch! I am the punching king! Young and fierce, only seventeen!”
Chad: Did it work?
Urahara: It really did!
Urahara: Ah, Inoue! I forgot to mention that the outfit I gave you is not merely to catch Kurosaki’s eye! It also doubles as a flotation device, a fire retardant, and a flying suit!
Orihime: Wow! How do I make it fly??
Urahara: Simply yell, “Into the heavens I gooooooooo!”
Urahara: The last syllable must be held for at least fifteen seconds!
Orihime: Got it!
Orihime: INTO THE HEAVENS I GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Yoruichi: Kisuke, you better not be messing with Inoue again!
Urahara: Who, me?
Ulquiorra: I will never understand the heart.
Urahara: I can help with that!
Ulquiorra: Who are you?
Urahara: Just a simple shopkeeper who has lived with humans long enough to know their secrets! And it turns out that humans learn about the heart through a special ritual!
Ulquiorra: I am listening.
Urahara: All you have to do is stand on one foot while you chant this long ritual chant!
Ulquiorra: The chant is called “My Heart Will Go On?”
Urahara: Yes. Yes it is.
Urahara: You know, I was just chatting with Byakuya.
Urahara: Do you know he hates the Skittles slogan? He says it scares him for some reason!
Yoruichi: Hey! Byakuya-boy!
Yoruichi: TASTE THE RAINBOW
Urahara: Worth it!
Urahara: "Tiny but powerful camera of justice, be still! Lens of seeing, be clouded! Power button OFF!“
Kurotsuchi: What earth are you doing, Urahara Kisuke?
Urahara: What? Oh, nothing. That’s just what I say to turn off my hidden cameras. I had one in my hat, but I don’t need it on any longer!
Kurotsuchi: … Kurotsuchi (later, in his lab): "Tiny but powerful camera of justice, be still! Lens of seeing, be clouded! Power button OFF!"
Kurotsuchi: S-shut up! I’m just making sure!
Urahara: Here, Grimmjow. This compass will allow you to find Kurosaki. It always points right at him!
Urahara: As long as you activate it by shouting, "Follow my desire to its goal! Great compass of wisdom guide me on!”
Grimmjow: I AM NOT SAYING THAT
Urahara: Well….okay. I guess Kurosaki was right that hiding from you is easy.
Grimmjow: "Follow my desire to its goal! Great compass of wisdom guide me on!“ Hey! Nothing happened!
Urahara: Really? I totally felt something.
Urahara: Hey, Tessai. Say this. [Hands Tessai piece of paper]
Tessai: I AM A VERY POWERFUL BLUEBERRY MUFFIN
Urahara: Wow, you really will do anything I say, huh?