kirsten johnston



133/?   ↳  Jumanji (1995)

directed by Joe Johnston

“You think that mosquitos, monkeys, and lions are bad? That is just the beginning. I’ve seen things you’ve only seen in your nightmares. Things you can’t even imagine. Things you can’t even see. There are things that hunt you in the night. Then something screams. Then you hear them eating, and you hope to God that you’re not dessert. Afraid? You don’t even know what afraid is. You would not last five minutes without me.”

"The Exes" Recap: The Hot Australian Who Stole Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas, and Holly (Kristen Johnston) had a big, big decision to make – go hang out with her friends, who she sees every day, or have sex with a hot Australian on a beach in Costa Rica. In the end, as always, she made the wrong choice. But let’s start from the beginning.

On last night’s episode of The Exes, the gang decided they would be spending the holiday together, something that would seem to make sense now that Eden and Phil (Kelly Stables and Donald Faison) are dating, and Haskell and Stuart (Wayne Knight and David Alan Basche) are, for all intents and purposes, committed life partners. In fact, the only sad single in the group is Holly, but that is all about to change, as on her flight home from London to be at her big holiday party, she met a hot Australian (Ben Lawson), whose name we can’t remember and also does not really matter.

Now this hot Australian (who you can also see being hot as a mean doctor in No Strings Attached and as a lawyer with a slammin’ bod in that ABC show The Deep End which no one watched), has nowhere to go for Christmas, so Holly, being the sexual opportunist she is, invites him back to spend the holiday with her friends at their big party. And then the rest of the evening with her. Alone.

Hot Aussie is totally in, until he finds out he can’t get into the country because of something he may have done with an aquatic creature in Norway. Now this is a total red flag situation we realize, but seeing how this man’s eyes sparkle, not to mention that accent, we are totally going to give him a pass.

Holly too gives him a pass, and decides to skip the party to spend the night with him at JFK, which made us wonder if they have some sort of conjugal visit room situation going on at airports. Any idea folks? This may have been addressed in The Terminal, but who can remember that movie at this point?

Back at the apartment everyone is kinda pissed at Holly and, um, well we really weren’t paying super close attention as we were more wondering what was going on with our new Down Under friend. Long story short, they all drank hot chocolate and ate cookies and kinda carrolled, Phil made a video of himself stripping and, as always, there was odd sexual tension between Haskell and Stuart. You get the idea.

Awesome Aussie meanwhile found out that the fine folks down in Costa Rica were totally cool with him chilling in their country, and was kind enough to invite Holly on the greatest winter escape of all time. Holly, however, is one of those idiots who values her friends over sex with very, very attractive strangers, and told Aussie she would have to take a pass. And so he flew off all alone, no doubt wandering the beaches of Costa Rica all by his lonesome as you are reading this, wearing nothing but a very, very small bathing suit and sipping one of those drinks that come with an umbrella.

We are booking our flight down now.

Oh, and the gang did manage to reunite in the end, and it was the best Christmas Eve ever. Well, almost the best Christmas Eve ever.

Leaderboard (Who’s Up & Who’s Down)

Stuart (UP) – That is one helluva a holiday sweater our boy is rocking, and he does throw a pretty great party.

Holly (EVEN) – Baggin’ a hot dude is impressive, but bangin’ a hot dude is more impressive.

Haskell (EVEN) – He got some cool radios and avoided Christmas with his mother, so that’s something.

Eden (DOWN) – Never, ever buy anyone, boyfriend or not, gym clothes as a present. Well, except maybe a person you hate, like an in-law, or awful Secret Santa at the office.

Phil (DOWN) – Great voice and great body on that striptease buddy, but poor execution.

See you next week for the next episode 10:30/9:30C on TV Land.

Chris Spargo is a writer living in NYC who would ditch his friends on any holiday given the chance to vacation at a tropical destination with a hot Australian. You can follow him on Twitter at @chrisonchris


 Dear Celebrity/TV/Film Gods,

        Please give Kristen Johnston a starring role in anything where she plays something similar to her character in Ugly Betty. The world could really use more people like her. Also, if I totally woke up tomorrow morning with her voice, I wouldn’t exactly mind.